Do second chances work?

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-05-2007
Do second chances work?
11
Sat, 09-15-2007 - 8:31pm
If you have already been separated for some time, what do you think the odds are that a reconciliation can be successful?

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iVillage Member
Registered: 05-08-2007
Sun, 09-16-2007 - 2:05am

He swears he's changed but has he done anything to show you that? Words are just that, you need action to know for sure.

I do think with the children that if you did decide to give him a chance that you should only do it without them knowing, maybe try a date or two and see how you feel. I wouldn't recommit to anything until you've seen hard evidence that supports the possibility of it working out. He should understand that you need a chance to see that he's genuine without the children knowing you are even considering the option. If he wants them to know then I'd say "No way" because that would probably mean he's trying to hook you back in, after all you would probably put up with a lot more after you got there hopes up, then you would if they didn't even know it was a possibility.

As for whether it could work, sure it could if you both really want it too. However, you really didn't indicate if you really did want to try again? Would you like too, or are you just feeling pressure to from him? Do you even know what you'd need from him for you to feel happy and in love with him again? I know from my experience with my own husband that there was many a time there were problems but I knew I'd be happy if he just did this, then one day I knew I wouldn't be happy with him any longer even if he finally did do everything I'd ever asked of him. Basically, there was a point where it could still be fixed and a time when it no longer could be. Where are you?

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-09-2003
Sun, 09-16-2007 - 10:31am
I'm on my second separation with my stbx.

Katy

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-16-2007
Sun, 09-16-2007 - 11:19am
been there done that. was married for a decade to a man, divorced, reconciled, then left for good. made lots of promises to my kids that we would make it work and that they wouldn't have to go through the pain of us splitting again, only to have to eat my words. my questions to you before you try to reconcile with your spouse are: what are your motives - do you want to reconcile because you fear being alone or because you will have a reduction in your standard of living? have either or both of you gone to counseling, individually to start, then as a couple to figure out how you came to be in this situation in the first place? many times when we break up/ separate/ divorce someone, the loneliness sets in and we begin to view the past through rose tinted glasses. we begin to think - he/she wasn't that bad. maybe we didn't argue/fight as much as i thought we did. then there's the honeymoon phase that can't possibly last, it's a honeymoon PHASE. really evaluate your reasons for reconciliation, and always keep the best interests of your children at the forefront of your mind. i think that developmentally, my children and i would have been much better off if we hadn't tried to reconcile, but instead had accepted the reality of divorce and moved on.
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-14-2007
Sun, 09-16-2007 - 6:18pm

We talked about trying again, but H doesn't want to go through all the pain again if it doesn't work out.

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-18-2007
Tue, 09-18-2007 - 10:06pm
That is a really good question.
iVillage Member
Registered: 08-17-2001
Wed, 09-19-2007 - 8:17am
My XH remarried 6 months after our divorce was final.... he'd known her for about a year.

~calla~  mom to rosie and gracie

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-25-2003
Wed, 09-19-2007 - 12:21pm

Hey there peanutbutter,


First I would ask yourself "what has changed", besides the fact that you have been apart.


For example, have you been to intensive therapy in the interveining time frame? Has your husband been in AA and made the one-year mark?

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-05-2007
Wed, 09-19-2007 - 8:59pm
Thank you to everyone who has shared with me their thoughts.
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-10-2007
Thu, 09-20-2007 - 12:00am
I have been seperated and gone back to my stbx 3 times now and guess what I filed for divorce 3 weeks ago. If the problems that caused the seperation do not change then things dont change. I wanted to make it work for my kids but I think it is more important for me to be healthy for me. I am doing all I can not never go back into that relationship that makes me feel so bad about me. Think long and hard before you go back and get counseling. Stick with it and work through all the problems that caused the break up before you go back.
iVillage Member
Registered: 11-25-2003
Thu, 09-20-2007 - 7:53am

I understand.


You might want to seek out some means to help you with the resentment aspect of your hurt feelings.


I'm of the opinion that anger just sort of works itself out.


However, resentment just lingers.

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