Do they always beg?

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-11-2003
Do they always beg?
3
Tue, 08-30-2005 - 12:45pm

Do they always beg and say things like "I want to start church to save this marriage, I'm sorry for ruining your life". He was the one that wanted this divorce, he was the one that said those hurtful words, "Get out don't ever come back, and why do you try". Before I packed that's exactly what he said to me, now he is singing a different tune. Does this always happen? He says he has quit drinking, can't eat, can't sleep, all kinds of things he has said to me. And I'm lost for words for him, I don't know what to say to him, I keep hearing the hurtful words he said, and honestly I only feel a little sorry for him. I told him now he knows how I felt all those evenings he wouldn't come home from work, and loafed staying drunk, hell he wouldn't even come home to start the lawn mower for me to mow the freaking yard. I can out weigh the good with the bad, I done everything from cooking, cleaning, to mowing the yard, he did not ever do a thing around the house. Do I just keep reminding myself of these bad things to keep away from him? Should I tell him to leave me alone? I do have a little compasion for him, but not a whole lot. I have been seeing someone and of course x knows him, maybe that's why he is begging, he can't stand to see me out there doing things and not crying and calling him.
Need some words of wisdom and support to keep this train rolling. I know he doesn't want kids, and I honestly don't think he will ever change, so now what? He says I didn't give him time to decide if he wanted kids, come on he is 30 we were together for 7yrs if he don't know by know he never will. I don't understand men at all, when we stop caring they start, why does it have to be this way? I tried everything to save this marriage for the past 3yrs that all I done, it got me nowhere, now he thinks I should just forgive and forget and come back, I don't think so, how can I tell him nicely? Thanks for your support.

Stacy

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-02-2003
Tue, 08-30-2005 - 1:19pm

well, ask yourself honestly - if he has REALLY changed, would you be willing to get back together with him? putting EVERYTHING aside, not thinking about "where was he when i was begging him to change" - would you want to be remarried to him? i mean - to the "him" that he is now. if the answer is yes, then you r next step is to ask him what steps has he taken to make sure he doesn't drink any more? and what steps has he taken to turn his life around? that you are tired of his empty words and promises and you want to know that he has gone to AA etc. if he hasn't- then you have your answer right there and you need to move on because he is just saying things, and not backing anything up. and you can tell hm that.


now, OTOH, if you know that no matter what he does to change, no matter what steps he may have taken - it doesn't matter because you KNOW that you just don't want to be with this man, then you just stop feeling sorry for him, and stop feeling guilty and you just move on.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-19-2003
Wed, 08-31-2005 - 9:24am

At this point I don't think that you owe him anything "nice"..... I know exactly how you feel.... like you were taken for a ride for as long as they could, and then, when they saw us seriously taking steps to end things, reality set in and all of a sudden they were gong to become saints.... and victims!


Karen ~ wildlucky4me ~

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-27-2003
Wed, 08-31-2005 - 10:22am

IMHO, it is a lack of emotional maturity in the first place that led to you splitting up...and a lack of emotional maturity that has him incapable of dealing with the consequences. His begging isn't a sign of change, but proof positive that he HASN'T changed.

Tell him to call you in six months when he REALLY has himself together. By then he will have found another enabler and won't need you anymore. OR he will really be different and can demonstrating it by acting like an ADULT.

Thank you for reminding me. My own stbx is not begging, but just acting like Mr. Perfect. Am I fooled? nope~but I do need a reminder once in a while just how immature he really is.

Susie