Do they change?

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-12-2007
Do they change?
11
Mon, 11-17-2008 - 5:30pm

Hello Ladies-


Ok here's the short version.

Pages

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-17-2007
In reply to: mamavoss
Mon, 11-17-2008 - 6:34pm

You're not indecisive, you're just in a really tough spot. If you put the divorce on hold how long would it take to proceed if you decided to? Can you keep all the paperwork and just hold off on the final step? The one thing you shouldn't have to worry about right now is whether your family can accept him again or not. You said they were supportive, well they need to support you now in this recent struggle.

If you can easily post-pone the D you might to consider it. Give him a chance to show whether he has really changed or not. The fact that he's lost 30 lbs says he is going through some life altering emotions. Having said that, I would also say you need to put limits on him, like, until your sure, not having him move in. I think until you feel certain either way, don't go through with the D AND don't let him just come back live life like before.

If it's a really big hassle to post-pone the D and pick it up later if need be, then you just have to go with what YOU truly feel you want, not what your family wants, and not what he wants.

Sorry you're going through this, it sounds like a really tough spot to be in.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-19-2003
In reply to: mamavoss
Mon, 12-01-2008 - 11:15pm

The ooperative words are "since filing he has changed".


Karen ~ wildlucky4me ~

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-29-2003
In reply to: mamavoss
Tue, 12-02-2008 - 1:58am

I have to agree.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-19-2003
In reply to: mamavoss
Tue, 12-02-2008 - 9:28am

Another thought..... and this really bothers me.... when a person changes as a result of something or someone else.... you know... not FOR themselves... and in this case.... the person isn't making the change because they truly wanted to make the change because they were self motivated to do so.


Karen ~ wildlucky4me ~

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-09-2008
In reply to: mamavoss
Tue, 12-09-2008 - 10:38am

Been there done that. He made changes, until the divorce proceedings were thrown out. A year and a half later I will be filing again after the holidays. He won't change because he doesn't have a problem. The rest ofthe world is wrong. I know as soon as I file I will hear the same story again, but I am done listening.


Linda

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-19-2003
In reply to: mamavoss
Wed, 12-10-2008 - 6:33pm
And when your expectation becomes reality... VALIDATION will be knocking at your door loud and clear :-)

Karen ~ wildlucky4me

Karen ~ wildlucky4me ~

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-07-2008
In reply to: mamavoss
Fri, 12-12-2008 - 3:06am

mamavoss


I would love to say they do, but unfortunately they don't, from my experience. I'll explain, please please learn from my mistakes. I have been with mine for just over 10 yrs total, married twice and divorced twice, and STILL together for a third try. And trust me the third time is not a charm! I decided I was leaving FOR GOOD finally on Friday.

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-01-2008
In reply to: mamavoss
Fri, 12-12-2008 - 4:18am
yes we do change. My wife made me leave 3 weeks ago .We argue and bicker the normal stuff i geuss after 13 years she stopped talking to me now it is killing me and my kids they call me at all hours of the day and night begging for me to come home. That is all i want homehome home i love her and have realized that i have faults and have to change them but in order to change you have to have the chance from the other to prove it. My heart is seriouslly broken my brother committed suicide in september and she makes me leave in november and it is killing me.Us men do change when we realize how serious things are especially loosing a wife and 4 kids that mean more than life try it you have to trust to get trust back
iVillage Member
Registered: 12-07-2008
In reply to: mamavoss
Fri, 12-12-2008 - 10:00pm

ok, maybe, of course there are always exceptions, but like I said in my experience I hasn't happen and I have given lots of chances. and unfortunately all that did was make him belive that I would never really leave and if I did he could have his freedom for a while and then reel me back in. he knows I love him like no other and he takes advantage of that. right now has got to be the hardest time for me, way worse then the other times, I truly am walking away broken hearted! so call me scorned call me bitter, not that you did I am just saying, I have never truly seen a change. and I am glad to hear that you have acknowledged your faults and are willing to do what you can to "change" but have you yet? and if you do what will you do as a precaution to be sure that you don't fall back to the way you were? completely not trying to say anything bad or question you, its none of my business but I just know that its almost like an addiction, change. you are so use to it, you have lived your life with that trait or fault, whatever you want to call it, and it really is hard to change it, I understand that. but once you change, what's to say you wont so called "fall of the wagon" and go back to being that faulted person again? not trying to discourage you just trying to tell you how I've seen it work, an insite. I myself for years saw it as he didn't love me enough to change, truly change , like forever, but then I realized that its not because of me or the kids, some people just can't. there is some sort of true principle they feel that is behind it.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-15-2004
In reply to: mamavoss
Fri, 12-12-2008 - 10:51pm

Abusive people DONT CHANGE. Very rarely. Of course he is ACTING as if he's changed .... so he can suck you back in. Please go over to this board http://messageboards.ivillage.com/n/mb/listsf.asp?webtag=iv-rldomesting&nav=start

Photobucket

Pages