Do you ever get tired of it all??

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-21-2004
Do you ever get tired of it all??
5
Mon, 07-10-2006 - 11:18pm

Hi - I am new at posting here. I have recently finished my divorce after over a year custody and divorce battle. I ran through all of the small inheritance my father left me. My xh is bipolar with frequent uncontrolled manic episodes. The attorney's fees and the wasted time in court was hellish. After all was said and done the custody evaluator set up the EXACT same parenting schedule I had initially proposed (knowing my X and the situation) when I filed for divorce. Very frustrating to spend $25,000 to end up exactly where I said it should be in the beginning, (EOW and 1 week night with no overnights). To top this all off after fighting me for so long, he has only exercised his parenting time once since the divorce.

Now I am a month behind in receiving child support and my attorney receives a letter from xH attorney saying "XH is out of work (exactly what I said would happen once garnishment began) and can no longer pay me any child support, contribute to medical expenses, manintain life insurace or contribute to medical insurance. Would I agree to that to save us all more court time and fees?" I am so frustrated and exhausted, I am ready to just say fine. I know that I should not because I really do need the money and the medical insurance to support my kids and he has the money from the sale of our home, he did not purchase a new home. I understand he is ill - I tried to help him throughout our marriage and in the early part of the divorce, but then his mother got involved and stated to me "This is war!" I do feel sorry for him, the custody evalutor said his prognosis is "dire" and he expects his condition to deteriorate over time. The courts appointed his mother guardian ad litum, instead of a neutral person, and she had her own agenda, that has nothing to do with actually helping him get appropriate treatment.

I guess I am just tired of worrying about finances, and tired of my entire existence revolving around this stupid divorce, tired of laying in bed at night trying to rework my budget in my head.

It would be helpful to know that other people have BTDT. Most of my friends, with one or two notable exceptions, have had really amicable divorces and did not have to deal with any of this.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-19-2003
Thu, 07-13-2006 - 3:25pm

Hi there... his attorney can write you letter after letter, but don't "agree" to anything... you already have a fair agreement (that cost you thousands to reach)


Karen ~ wildlucky4me ~

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-13-2004
Thu, 07-13-2006 - 3:42pm

mom


for the most part I could of written this post,,my days are now consumed with sitting at a table with my checkbook in front of me trying to see what bills will be on time and what wont.


I have fought a battle for over 2 1/2 years. my stbx filed in NOV of 2003,,yes 2003,he has fought everything, everything ,he has a corrupt pric* of a lawyer who in the past few weeks

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-21-2004
Thu, 07-13-2006 - 10:15pm

Thank you for your response. You are right and it is pretty much what my attorney said - he can have his attorney write letters from now until eternity passes but the child support stands unless he pays the money to take me back to court and it will almost absolutely stand then too (which is probably what his attorney advised him and is why he did not immediately go back to court and instead just is trying to get me to agree).

It is funny because when we got divorced in court, the judge looked right at him and said "Do you understand that if you are temporarily out of work, your child support will NOT be reduced" and he said yes. My attorney stated that at least in our area if he does take me back to court they will ask him if he is looking for work and then they will continue to impute his earnings based on his history, so they won't reduce it. If he says he is too sick to work they will still not reduce it but will give a call back date for three months or so. If on that date he still says he is too sick to work, the judge will tell him to get his act together and apply for SSI. Then the kids will be taken care of because they will also get an SSI check for having a disabled parent.

It is just wearing and it seems like it would be so much easier to just give in some times. I just have to keep my eye on the long term effects to keep things in perspective. Thanks again.

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-21-2004
Thu, 07-13-2006 - 10:23pm

Thank you for your response. It is really an exhausting up hill struggle at times. Throughout my life I have worked some physical jobs, farm labor as a kid, house cleaning, restaurant work, and warehouse work in college, but this emotional exhaustion is so much worse than any physical exhaustion. I guess because there is not really an end in sight.

I also think that the courts seem to have blinders on at times. When we first seperated we remained in the same house, it was a two family, so I lived in one side with the kids and he lived in the other. Because we were still in the same "house" the court would not award me any child support. Then of course - he had no incentive to cooperate with the sale of the house, because he knew that once we moved he would have to pay child support. It was crazy, they put us in a situation where he knew it was definitely not in his best financial interests to cooperate. It took over a year to sell- and I had to put out all the money to make the repairs to sell.

Best of luck to you!

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-19-2003
Thu, 07-13-2006 - 11:13pm

I know... and while giving in might seem easy for the immediate moment, in the long run, that might not be easier.


Karen ~ wildlucky4me ~