Do you ever know when it's time?
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| Fri, 08-24-2007 - 9:01pm |
I have been married for just over 9 years and I am sure we were happy for the first few but I'm at the point now where I actually can't remember when we were happy. I went into therapy in 2002 and every time I would mention that he needed to get counseling too- either with me or on his own- he would say he would but never followed through.
Our sex life started dwindling even before our wedding (we were together for 2 years before we were married) but it really hit a wall just before I went into counseling and even though I recall a short "honeymoon period" after I'd been in therapy awhile, it resumed to next to nothing shortly after. The only time it resumed reguarly was when we decided to have a child, 7 years into the marriage. That was the last time we were intimate, my child's conception- how sad is that?
Now we have a 2-year-old, who we both deeply love, but I'm not sure that's enough of a reason to stay together. We've had a very stressful life for the past 2 years- besides the birth of our child and all the stress a baby puts on a marriage, we also decided to move cross country, for me to stay home with our child and for him to be the breadwinner. This has only put more strain on our relationship and I would say we are probably at our lowest point, living like polite roommates. I just feel like I've lost perspective on the whole thing-- is this really the beginning of the end or have we just hit a really rough patch or am I deluding myself and the whole marriage has been a rough patch...? He thinks things will get better if/when he starts making more money- his last 2 jobs haven't paid well so we are constantly worried about money but he feels if I go back to work, he'll feel like a failure and/or I will resent him. Both might be true, I don't know. I have been the only one to even bring up our relationship issues and he's basically shut me down every time- making me feel like he has enough to worry about to add "wife troubles" on top of it (my words, not his- he's very passive and usually just answers me with silence). So with that, I have basically lost any feelings I have toward him and just retreated into numbness.
I'm not sure where to go or what to do. I feel very limited in my options since I'm not working right now and we don't have the money or insurance for therapy.
Where do I go from here? Has anyone been in this situation?

"I have been the only one to even bring up our relationship issues and he's basically shut me down every time- making me feel like he has enough to worry about to add "wife troubles" on top of it (my words, not his- he's very passive and usually just answers me with silence). So with that, I have basically lost any feelings I have toward him and just retreated into numbness."
Money problems can cause a lot of stress on a marriage, but the real problem is hat even if your marriage is saveable if he won't work with you then you might as well leave as it will never get any better and will only continue to get worse. That said, if you are feeling this way its probably time that you confront him with the fact that you want to work on the relationship but if he won't work on this with you then you think you would be better off without him. Unfortunately, many men won't work on their relationship problems until there is actually something to be lost. I know mine didn't start trying until I was truly ready to walk out the door, and then its very hard to make yourself work at it because you basically had to give up first.
I'd also recommend a good book I just read last week. Its called "To Good To Leave, To Bad To Stay" by Mira Kirshenbaum. She's the clinical director the the Chesnut Hill Institute and basically the book goes over certain types of marital problems that in her research she has found that most people who had these types of issues were happier if they left and unhappy if they stayed. Just like a regular doctor would ask you a bunch of questions about your symptoms and then make a diagnosis of what you probably have based on what other people have with the same symptoms. It might help you get some clarity about your particular sitation, who knows you might even find that the relationship is worth saving if you can both work at it.
Good luck to you.