Do you ever stop being jealous

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-11-2004
Do you ever stop being jealous
10
Wed, 04-20-2005 - 5:14pm

Have any of you felt this. Im actually somehow jealous he has moved on twice already. I must be crazy....

It's been over a year since the separation. He's on relationship # 2 with a 20yr old now. He left the woman he cheated on me with after getting her pregnant with twins, now 1 month old. And now he wants to have this 20yr old around our son and it kills me. When he takes him for his visit, she makes sure she giggles or makes noise loud so that I know she is with the baby. Oh God it hurts so much.

But why am I jealous, he already cheated her with me, more than once. My mistake I know. But when I would ask for a committment he would always back away, so its been a month and I refuse to sleep with him again and am now starting to finally do the whole "no contact" thing.

Last night on the phone he told me that he doesnt want a serious relationship with anyone right now. So I know he's cheating on her and he hasnt changed, but why does it kill me when it seems like all he does is spends all his time with her. He says he still loves me but cant act on it, he cant give me what I want.

So why deep down inside do I still hope he will change. It makes no sense. How can I still love him so deeply as i do knowing this is who he is. Why does he want to be with her and not me. what does she have that I dont. Any advice.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-06-2005
Wed, 04-20-2005 - 7:27pm

I feel your pain with this one. I think we all go through this, especially if the children involved are young, babies.


My ex is also with a 20 year old and I cringe at the thought of her with my son ( 6 ) and my daughter ( 17 months ) She makes it a point to post pictures of herself with the children online, knowing that I will see them or someone will tell me about them. She has even gone as far as posting pictures of our son when he was a baby ( she wasn't even in the picture a little bit back then ) saying what she thinks is happening in the pictures. Example my son was holding his arms up, she said he was holding his arms up for daddy and I know that isn't true, I took the picture, daddy was at work and he used to say he was "number one".


My x left me for her over a year ago. I still get jealous when the kids are around her, thinking that she will replace me, somehow. Even though I know in my heart that isn't true. My son tells me all the time he loves me and loves being here with me, but I think there is that fear that someone will take over the one thing that can never change, being a mommy.


Even though I am "over" my ex I still get jealous of the two of them together. I remember things sometimes and wonder why she is any better than me. I guess I will always wonder.


Hugs to you and know that I am right here with you on this one.


iVillage Member
Registered: 06-11-2004
Thu, 04-21-2005 - 9:17am
Angelina,
Thank you so much for understanding. I guess with time and love for ourselves we will get over this. If you ever need to talk just email me anytime. God bless and good luck.
Avatar for julie364
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Thu, 04-21-2005 - 10:09pm

I do not think I am jealous anymore but I have a strong desire to know if they are getting married as soon as D is done or if they are still together. They at different times have said they were not together. He is living in a big house and would offer no info about circumstances. Mailed something there and he said he never got it. That happened twice. She writes on a forum and says things that indicate they are together.
I just hate being lied to and he has continued to do that and at this point it makes no sense.
It hurts being lied to by someone I had a family with and spent so much of my life with. I don't get it. How can someone care so little about your well being.

rambling and venting here

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-20-2004
Fri, 04-22-2005 - 10:36am
i feel exactly the same way. why still lie and be nasty? we had a family. what's the point? he is not the name i married.
Avatar for julie364
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Fri, 04-22-2005 - 12:25pm
I wonder what would help to make these guys behavior more appropriate. Its their behavior they have to change but who teaches them?
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-19-2003
Fri, 04-22-2005 - 3:05pm

Unfortunately.... they have to teach themselves...


Karen ~ wildlucky4me ~

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-13-2004
Sun, 04-24-2005 - 4:42am
I know exactly how you feel! I am jealous of the fact that my ex has moved on! And I can't help but be jealous of her in a way also. Not that I wan't him back because I absolutely DON'T! I refuse to go down that road again. I don't envy her in that she has to put up with his crap now, but I guess he is her problem now! I just miss having someone in my life and maybe if I wait long enough the "right" one will come along, and those two can just be miserable together, and then they can be jealous of me! ha ha
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-20-2004
Sun, 04-24-2005 - 1:18pm
you know, i've decided it's not up to me to worry about his behavior anymore as it relates to me. i'll just try not to react. if his bad behavior is directed to the kids, then i will have to step in. luckily, though, his time with them (4 hrs wk) is limited (his choice) and they do generally have fun. he's cancelled a couple of times with them, which disappoints them. i've learned not to make excuses for him -- just to say that those are questions for dad, but i think they'll soon learn he's not the most reliable and that they will never be first with him. very sad for them.
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-02-2003
Mon, 04-25-2005 - 6:09am

you know - i don't think you really love him at all. i know you THINK you do. i know you FEEL that you do. but be honest - how can you reallyh love someone like this? he totally disrespects you, in so many ways - and that is NOT love.


I think - i am not sure - but i think that maybe, deep down, you are just simply AFRAID to move on. so you hold on to HIM, you know - as long as you are *with him* in your heart - you have your own permission to NOT move on. i hope this is making some kind of sense. its not easy to make that leap - kind of jumping off a cliff with no safety net - saying "i have had enuf of his S**T and I am taking control of my own life".


but you know - its the only game in town. and it IS possible - i did it. my ex didn't cheat on me (at least, i don't think he did) but he was very very abusive and controlling. and while deep down i KNEW that i could make it on my own - i just COULDn"T get up the courage to leave. but i finally did - with no safety net - and for a while i kept blaming HIM until finally i had the guts to face myself in the mirror, to take responsibility for ME and to move on.


take it one day at a time. start by telling yourself that you deserve to be treated with respect and you will stand for nothing less than respect from everyone - whether its your ex, your friends, the saleclerk in the supermarket. start by treating yourself well - taking care of yourself - making those doctor and dentist and gyno appointments you have been pushing off, going to the gym, eating well, meditating. its when you start to treat yourself with respect that you will suddenly realize that you would NEVER date or sleep with a guy like your ex - because you deserve better. and you DO!!!!

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-15-2004
Mon, 04-25-2005 - 9:18am
Oh Honey, i cant tell you why you think you still love him so much. I just pray that SOON you can say you DONT. B/c he sounds like a total LOSER & does NOT deserve your love or respect. As fro you son spending time with htis 20 yr old ... i understand that jealousy, but just realize that she would never EVER replace MOMMY ... & from the sound of it, wont even have time till b/c he will move on soon. Ick. *he* is someone who gives men a BAD name. Hang in there, you have a whole NORMAL LIFE ahead of you .... use that chance!

R~

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