Do you EVER stop doubting your decision?
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| Sun, 01-28-2007 - 9:58pm |
Hi
It's the first time I've come on this site. I've been on the Betrayed Spouse site (my H had an A for 6 yrs and I found out 3 years ago). I've been on the Affairs site (I had a friendship which became an emotional attachment over the past year but has ended now) and I've been on the Should I stay or should I go site (where the general opinion was that my marriage was toxic and I should file for bankrupcy and get out of the marriage quick smart).
My H and I have been together since I was 18, over 20 years. We have been married for 15 years, have a 10 year old DD and a 3 year DS. My H started his A about 6 months after my DD was born and his girlfriend rang me a few months after my DS was born and told me. My H fencesat for over a year, we had about 3 separations in this time. He went from not wanting me to desperately wanting me during the period.
He hasn't kissed me for well over 10 years and that includes after the A was discovered and we've been rebuilding although that was a HUGE thing for me because his girlfriend kindly told me that they were VERY compatible in that respect. He knows it's a big thing for me and still can't force himself to do it, it seems. Our relationship has gradually gotten worse and worse over the past year. He promised me to renew our marriage vows last April and now followed through and since then I've become more and more depressed and seem to have fallen out of love with him completely.
Even after finding out every gorey detail of the A I still thought we might make it but not now. My H blames the fact that I can't get over the A and that I bring it up all the time as the reason he isn't able to feel and be intimate with me. Anyway, this has been going on for 3 years now. It has GOT to be time to move on. My parents, understandably have had trouble thinking highly of him in the past 3 years (well to be honest prior to that too) and have offered to give me a lot of money to help me out financially and so that I am able to find a house in our area for me and the kids. It's now and never for that offer I think. If I were to stay now after things have become so bad between us and my parents have offered financial assistance I think they'd finally give up on me. They are devastated that was their once fun-loving, confidence and outgoing daughter has become this depressed, angry, short-tempered person who is focused on nothing but getting love from a man who doesn't love her anymore.
My biggest fear is my DD's reaction to the split. She was only 6 when the A was brought out in the open but unfortunately had to deal with a lot of it due to over-hearing things etc and knows the story although obviously she doesn't understand it. My biggest regret of the past 3 years is that I've let my DD down. She is a beautiful, lovely sensitive girl and I fear this is going to cause her irrepairable damage. The past 3 years she has grown so attached to my H. She is always scared he's going to go again and clings to him. A few of her friends' parents have split and she often tells me that she'd prefer to have us all together and unhappy than separate and have Xmas and all other family occassions apart.
My H still is adamant that if I were to "get over it" we'd be OK. The total decision for the break-up is mine. He's not going to say "I agree, we should split". He says he is happy even though it is obvious that he is unhappy too. Everything is fine other than the intimacy and affectionate side for us. He helps around the house, he does more than any man I know, he does more than his share with the kids (ie. dropping off to school etc), he is short-tempered with the kids though and being the same myself I think that is because he is unhappy on a whole.
We have been sleeping in separate rooms for a fortnite now at my insistence (I can't stand lying next to him without touching any longer). I have told him that I want to sell the house as soon as possible because it is killing me seeing his indifference (he thinks it's just a phase and I'll change my mind and therefore has done nothing to make me change my mind) to the fact that after 20 years we will not be together and are letting our kids down)
How do I find the strength to continue on this track and split up our family? Ultimately, the children will think it's Mummy who wants a divorce, they don't know the reasons and I'm so scared my DD will hate me. Does this cause permanent damage to the children??
Please give me some examples of people getting through this and coming out the other side happier and glad they've made the decision.
Thanks for listening.

Hi. I can relate to a lot of what you said in your post. I understand the fear and self doubt that comes from living in such a mixed up situation. I know I won't touch on all of the issues you metioned, but there are a few that stand out to me.
First, your H is refusing to take any responisbility for his actions and the effect they have had on this situation. He is likely not going to start any time soon. Furthermore, he seems to be punishing you with his witholding behaviour, so he has a lot of issues of his own to deal with.
Second, leaving is hard. I don't think anyone can leave even the worst of situations without having fear and guilt where the kids are concerned in particular. I understand that what your daughter says about the family splitting up is hard, but she is only 10 and does not understand the gravity of the situation. She will have to learn to trust that you are the adult and that you make decisions with everyone's best interest at heart. She will benefit much more from 2 separate, happy parents than what she is living in now. She needs you to model what a good life is like.
Third, if your parents are offering to help you, why not accept the help, move and call it a separation? Maybe some monumental thing may happen that will change the outcome, but if not, you will have the space to gather your thoughts and make proper decisions. I can't tell you how much having my own space did for allowing me to gain clarity and become more certain about where I am going and what I'm doing.
Yes, it's hard. Yes, it's painful for everyone. You know this. And it sounds like you also know that you want to leave. All you need to do now is figure out what's stopping you from changing your life and decide whether or not you want that infulence to determine your future. I wish you peace and strength, I know those wre 2 things I needed when I was in your situation.
I don't know how to thank you for your thoughtful and kind reply enough....
I really needed it. Looks like I've finally found the right support place for me right now
XXX
I replied to your post above, but this one gives more info, so wanted to add a couple of thoughts. Yes, I would take your parents up on their offer. Also, I would enter couples counseling if he is willing. Not, necessarily to save the marriage but to talk through both of your behavior and put words to the feelings you are showing each other through your actions.
It sounds like there is lots of unpspoken stuff that would best be dealt with in a controlled setting (counseling).
If not couples, then seek counseling for yourself to sort through your feelings and priorities. It can be hugely helpful.
Working with a child psychologist to help you understand the consequences for your children of the current situation and possible separation could be helpful, too, but there are also lots of books you can read to help with that, too: Emory: The truth about children and divorce; Mom's House, Dad's House; the Wallerstein books; Sandcastles program.
I think you might feel a bit better if you take some action *for* yourself, whether it is to read one of those books, or make an appt. with a therapist, or a mediator, or house hunt with your folks ... just one step, followed by another.
GL,
M
I'm a man, not a woman.
I find it gauling that the offending spouse seems to think that once they admit to an affair, its up to the other spouse to make the marriage work.
So lets get a few things straight. Your husband is the one who cheated. I don't care what his reasoning is, there is no excuse to cheat on your spouse except that you are weak, grossly self centered and insensative. He could have ended the marriage first, but that would have required consideration for you and your daughter.
You sound clinically depressed. You need to visit with a psychiatrist and a therapist. You may need to be medicated. Get a medical assessment before you make a decision to end your marriage.
Get help for yourself and proceed slowly.