Do you get used to being alone?

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-03-2006
Do you get used to being alone?
25
Sun, 05-27-2007 - 9:07pm

I'm sitting here in day two of my three day weekend without my girls, missing them terribly and realizing that this is the first time in my life I've lived alone for any lenght of time. I lived with my mom before I got married. Now I'm 47 and will be alone, at least every other weekend for the rest of my life. How long does it take before I stop crying? Seems that's all I can do this weekend.

This is really stupid to feel this way. It's not like I had companionship with stbx? His relationship and mine was with a six pack. Why does it feel so weird to be alone in this house? I've been emotionally alone for years. I only had to make two changes to accomodate him not being here. I drive the kids to school as well as pick them up now and I mow the lawn. That's it. So why do I feel so alone without the drunk in the basement?

Sometimes I don't get me. Or am I just missing my kids and remembering what when he was here they were always here.




Edited 5/27/2007 9:08 pm ET by gr8fulmom1

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iVillage Member
Registered: 04-06-2006
Sun, 05-27-2007 - 9:39pm

No great advice here. I'm also 47 and on day two of the three day weekend with out DD (my second weekend with her). This weekend has been easier than last. I spent the day hiking with a girl friend yesterday. Today worked out, planted flowers, caught up on home stuff - keeping busy helps. I miss DD a lot but am looking at it as an opportunity to catch up on all the stuff I don't normally have time to do - even reading!

Hang in there -

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-29-2007
Sun, 05-27-2007 - 9:42pm

Hi woman.
GO out and do things. Go to the bookstore and read - go to the coffee shop and have a cup of Joe. Go for a walk, clean out your closets, clean out the fridge. Make plans with friends. Sometimes when I am without DD, I drive down to the beach and hang - just ME! It's great.

Keep your mind on active. It's normal and ok to feel all of these things, it is never stupid to have feelings. But, don't ask "do you get used to being alone" because how do you know you HAVE to get used to it? How do you know you aren't going to meet someone wonderful? Stay in the present mind. For example, if you feel sad right now, cry and then get going on someting else and it will pass.

Good luck - you are wonderful and your stbx didn't define you.....YOU DO.

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-30-2003
Sun, 05-27-2007 - 10:12pm

I think everything you're feeling is totally natural and healthy. It's likely not one thing, but many that are affecting you right now. Being alone in the house is certainly a transition. Being alone in the house you used to share is probably all the more disconcerting. I had the benefit of moving into a house of my own and seeing as the STBX has never had a place here, it doesn't feel like anything is missing. But when the kids are gone there is so much less energy in the house and that affects me. I'm seriously thinking of getting a pet just so that another living thing will be in the house on the weekends. At this time I don't even have houseplants giving life to the environment.

I imagine that you're going through all of the natural transitions- emotionally speaking. There has to be grief and loss involved in the healing process. It's necessary in aiding you to find a new balance and direction, but I am certain that you will not only get used to being alone, but come to enjoy it in time. In the meantime, try planning enjoyable events for yourself while the kids are away. Go out with friends, take a class, or take time to pamper yourself in some way that appeals to you. Try to enjoy the freedom that comes with those few days alone in which you can do whatever you want when you want without worrying about anyone else.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-30-2007
Sun, 05-27-2007 - 11:46pm
Never got to experience weekends without kids. Daddy took off with 17 yr. old to Calf. when his kids were little. Didn't show back up until they were grown. I would have loved the break. Enjoy yourself. Think about YOU. Your kids will love you for it.
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-19-2003
Mon, 05-28-2007 - 12:27am

Hey...


When my kids are gone... I take the time to do things for ME... lunch with a friend... today, I went to see "Georgia Rule".... by myself (after I slept in past noon).


Karen ~ wildlucky4me ~

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-03-2006
Mon, 05-28-2007 - 5:59am

Too bad we don't live near each other.

I'm trying to keep busy but there are those lulls. I keep trying to tell myself that the girls are getting some long overdue attention from their father, who appears sober at the moment, but deep down inside, I know this is just window dressing for the court and they're in for a major let down when he starts drinking again, post divorce, and good time daddy goes away.

If I could just believe he's really stopped drinking and really wants to be a dad now, I'd feel differently.

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-06-2003
Mon, 05-28-2007 - 6:36am

My relationship with my x was also a six pack. I always tried to figure out exactly how to phrase...that was perfect.

It's hard to adjust to being alone, but give it time and you will truly enjoy it. My separation was really hard because my daughter was already in college and my son went to live with him. Since he conveniently moved to town where all my son's friends were (basically baiting the carrot so he would go with him, he was 16), I was alone alot. Not to mention all of the other garbage six pack did. Take time to adjust. Adjust you will. I've been on my own since November 2003. I think I hibernated about six months, then started just getting out there. Joined a golf club, went to a few local places, did some things with friends. I was still out there like a lost puppy for a while. Eventually though, some friends start fading away, I found out that golfing wasn't my calling in life and I got tired of the local places. I started dating. Clung on to the first one a little too much, lost him. Finally ended up in a relationship that I ended because it wasn't what I wanted. You're life the next couple of years will comprise of alot of growth.

My life now is something I would have never had with six pack. I've made some new friends, keep in contact with a few old ones,met new ones, found different places to go, am remodeling my house....the list goes on and on. I wake up appreciating every day versus dreading them. So hang in there. As each week passes you will adjust a little more.

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-03-2006
Mon, 05-28-2007 - 7:03am

Our ex's sound similar. Our kids go to a charter school in a town 17 miles away. Guess where stbx moved even though it's opposite direction from where he works?

I'm lauging with the price of gas. By moving there, he guaranteed that he'd have to make the commute from F to S (towns) every week day instead of just the ones the kids have school. While an extra two gallons of gas a day on non school days doesn't seem like that much, it will add up to over $400 over just the summer. I only have to make that trip on school days so I save over the summer.

My problem is I need a whole new life. I don't miss the six pack one bit but there's all this time to fill and I don't know how to fill it. I'm sure I'll learn in time but right now it's tough.

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-28-2006
Mon, 05-28-2007 - 3:03pm

Not there yet, but I can imagine. My upset will be over the fact that I am not with my children. I am a sahm--I like being with my children :-). To think of whole weekends without them is very hard. Whole, huge chunks of their time that I won't be able to write about in their journals; I won't have pictures of... etc.

And then there will be the worry of them being with their father who is not as safety concious as I am (really worried one will get hit be a car in the busy area where he will live or he will have a major car accident with them) and uses videos as babysitters and is probably mentally ill. All that said, he is a good, loving Dad, but a better Dad when monitored (by me :-)).

We will get used to it, I suppose and even relish some time to ourselves and hopefully our children will adjust somehow and flourish despite the pain their parent(s) inflict upon them. That's what we have to hope for and work for!!

M

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-06-2006
Mon, 05-28-2007 - 8:14pm

It's hard to fill the void without the kids especially being in the same house. It's easy for others to say but take advantage of this time to get to know yourself. Find something you are passionate about besides your kids.

My EX hasn't had the kids since last Monday. He blew off his night on Friday and spent about 2 hours watching older DS's baseball game. I haven't had a break since last Monday.

Your kids will be home soon!!

Brenda

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