Do you get used to being alone?

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-03-2006
Do you get used to being alone?
25
Sun, 05-27-2007 - 9:07pm

I'm sitting here in day two of my three day weekend without my girls, missing them terribly and realizing that this is the first time in my life I've lived alone for any lenght of time. I lived with my mom before I got married. Now I'm 47 and will be alone, at least every other weekend for the rest of my life. How long does it take before I stop crying? Seems that's all I can do this weekend.

This is really stupid to feel this way. It's not like I had companionship with stbx? His relationship and mine was with a six pack. Why does it feel so weird to be alone in this house? I've been emotionally alone for years. I only had to make two changes to accomodate him not being here. I drive the kids to school as well as pick them up now and I mow the lawn. That's it. So why do I feel so alone without the drunk in the basement?

Sometimes I don't get me. Or am I just missing my kids and remembering what when he was here they were always here.




Edited 5/27/2007 9:08 pm ET by gr8fulmom1
iVillage Member
Registered: 08-17-2001
Mon, 05-28-2007 - 8:31pm
*L* I hate it when I feel like you do right now about not having a break! Although, there certainly are times when I NEED a break for the kids. It's tough being a single parent, even if it's only 50% of the time. I always feel guilty soon after I had the "I NEED A BREAK" thoughts.

~calla~  mom to rosie and gracie

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-21-2003
Tue, 05-29-2007 - 12:27pm

"Now I'm 47 and will be alone, at least every other weekend for the rest of my life. How long does it take before I stop crying? Why does it feel so weird to be alone in this house?"

First of all, you do not have to believe you will be alone forever. If you have that attitude, you will be alone. No one will gravitate towards anyone feeling sorry for themselves. You have to look in the mirror and see a beautiful woman who is intelligent and be proud that you made it easy for him to just leave. You don't need him. You don't NEED anyone. Your kids need you to be strong. You need yourself to be strong. Wipe the tears. I know it is hard. I am separated myself from the love of my life and I want him back. But you know what? As much as it kills me to have him drive away each time he comes over, I smile as he leaves, wave goodbye and show him that his decision is okay. He is working on some things personally and maybe we will reconcile, maybe not, but I am prepared to go it alone if I must. Counseling has helped me. I look at myself and I see someone who deserves happiness and who is growing stronger by the minute. I cry still. It's okay to cry. It shows you are human. It will be hard for a while. I cried when I found out my XH gave his new wife of 4 years a strand of pearls for their anniversary. Why? Probably because he cheated on me with her. Probably because my current DH has moved out and we had an anniversary just before theirs and he was not even wearing his wedding band at dinner. Because we are separated and my XH is happy still with a woman he chose over me. We cry for various reasons. You are mourning the death of a marriage you once thought would last forever. No matter how bad it was later on, it was good once. I no longer cry over my X. He's not worth it. I just got emotional when I read about his wife's gift. It just seemed unfair that a marriage based on lies could last while mine is currently in limbo.

Just rest assured that you will get past it and you will learn to love those free weekends. Plan things just for you. Meet some girlfriends out for lunch or dinner. Go to the movies. Get your toes done. Plan activities and keep it full. Join a group, buy books and read, or plan to sit home and rent movies. You can make it.

~Melissa~

<a href="http://www.TickerFactory.com/weight-loss/wtCMCc4/">
<img border="0" src="http://tickers.Ticker

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-03-2006
Tue, 05-29-2007 - 9:15pm
Realistically, men want younger women. At my age, there is a strong liklihood I will be alone the rest of my life. I don't think it's realistic or healthy for me to pin my hopes on someting that is likely not to happen. I'll be much better off putting my energies into developing a single lifestyle for myself. It's just facing the change of being with someone to not being with someone, which is really stupid when you consider who I was with because it was worse than being with no one. I just have to make that mental leap.
iVillage Member
Registered: 11-18-2003
Wed, 05-30-2007 - 2:57am

Hello :o)

Hugs~ Lexi

"Shoot for the moon and if you miss you will still be among the stars" ~ Les Brown


iVillage Member
Registered: 11-03-2006
Wed, 05-30-2007 - 4:42am

"LIVE - I'm not waiting for Mr. Right or even Mr. Right now to take me places etc. I'm planning things w/my son & my family ."

This is where I feel I need to go. I don't want to sit around waiting for Mr. Right. I don't want that to be my plan. I've, literally, never had a man to rely on anyway so it would go against my nature to pin my hopes on finding one. I'd rather make a life for me. If someone comes along to share it, great. If not, I'll just live my own life.

If I could believe that stbx has changed and his involvement with the kids and new found sobriety were permanent, I could, easily, see my girls' time with him as something they gained. Unfortunately, I have a psychiatrist, an alcohol expert and my gut telling me this is window dressing for the court. As soon as the divorce is final, I can expect things to not only go back to where they were but get worse. The psychiatrist thinks that without me in the household, he'll just go off the deep end with the drinking and his porn addiction. Both have been moderated by my presence even though I never had any luck in controlling them.

You can't really. The only person who can even hope to control an addiction is the addict. Unfortunately, his alcohol addiction causes him to crawl into his navel and feel sorry for himself. He picks at sores on his soul until they fester and grow. It's only a matter of time before time with dad is spent dealing with this as I've dealt with it for years.

If by some miracle, he's still sober and involved with the kids in two years, I'll count my lucky stars and probably look forward to their time with him as much as they do now that he's buyiug them all kinds of stuff when they visit. It's like Christmas for them now. But that too will wear off.

Right now, it does feel like punishment not to have every day with my kids. I wasn't the one who ignored them before and if this is just window dressing, they're in for a major let down when the divorce is over. Dad is no fun to be with when he's drinking. Before I was here to pick up the slack. They'll be on their own when with him once the divorce is final.

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-17-2001
Wed, 05-30-2007 - 8:56am

Aw, not true! My XH is now married to a woman 9 years older and on all his dating sites, he says that he likes older women.

(And yes, you all read that right....... he's still out there looking, even though he's married.... but separated..... for 2 years of a 3 1/2 year marriage)

~calla~  mom to rosie and gracie

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-21-2003
Wed, 05-30-2007 - 12:18pm
Well, I don't think you need to pin your hopes on any guy, but just saying that it doesn't have to mean you will be alone forver. I know plenty of women who met their match later in life. And you are NOT old. One board member at another I visit is posting her profile online and had a friend take lots of great photos of her. She is 45 and is receiving lots of hits for dating. She is a great women, not a partier, drinker or anything like that. She spends time with her son and her ex rarely takes him so she has to make time for herself to get out there and meet people. What I am getting at: Life doesn't have to stop at divorce just because of age or any other reason. Life begins when you begin to live it. And I don't mean life as in dating and men, I mean life in general...getting out of the house and giving yourself the gift of fun. It will not be easy, I'll tell you that, but the sooner you get up and dust yourself off, the better.

<a href="http://www.TickerFactory.com/weight-loss/wtCMCc4/">
<img border="0" src="http://tickers.Ticker

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-03-2006
Wed, 05-30-2007 - 7:07pm
That's not exactly encouraging, lol. If I did remarry, I'd hope he wouldn't be on a dating site within a couple of years.
iVillage Member
Registered: 11-03-2006
Wed, 05-30-2007 - 7:10pm

I just think it's better to be prepared to be alone. Statistically speaking, that's my most likely scenario. But you're right, it doesn't mean alone. There are lots of groups to get into and I've already had one offer for casual dating by a guy who swears he'll never marry again because it costs $50 for a marriage license and $40,000 for a divorce, lol. However, I'm not into his kind of casual dating.

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-17-2001
Wed, 05-30-2007 - 7:51pm

I think it says more for HIS character than hers...... though there's a reason *I* divorced him!!!

Come to think of it.. she ain't all that. Her maternal skills leave ALOT to be desired. I'd probably be looking for a little 'somethin' somethin'' on the side.

~calla~  mom to rosie and gracie