Do you tell

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-23-2006
Do you tell
21
Thu, 03-22-2007 - 4:48pm

this may not be the right question for this board, but here it goes.

i have been posting for a while now that i am divorcing my h primarily because he is an alcoholic. i won't go into all the details, they are there in past postings. i have not disclosed my a to him prior to our separation. he has grown suspicious and continues to ask me about it. he sends me mean vm's, tm's, emails. i know i may deserve it, and i want to be honest with him, tell him i was unfaithful to him, but he is still drinking heavily, still taking antidepressants, and still not employed. i never meant to hurt him, but my a was truly a reaction to an already bad situation.

i know there are alot of bs's on this board who have left their h or W because of an a and are now divorcing. so i hope my question doesn't offend you. but to those who are in my situation, do you tell? i don't want to hurt him anymore than he is hurt now, but he blames me for the demise of our marriage anyway. (alcoholics tend to blame everyone else for their problems) i see it as "guilt transferrence." (is that even a word)

what

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iVillage Member
Registered: 12-02-2005
In reply to: whatabadidea
Thu, 03-22-2007 - 7:39pm

Hello, hope youre having a good day...ok heres my question...

Was the A the cause for the seperation or was the drinking? Beeing with an alcohlic is a hard life to live, one of my exs was, we were not married, but it was awful. It torn our relationship apart, we had nothing in common anymore according to him, because he would rather sit and get shi*faced with his buudies. The next morning I got to clean up the after effects, bodies laying around, bottles etc. I stuck it out for 4 years. Then I met my current DH. We were friends that turned into more. I think I turned to him for emotional suuport, and ok the sex was great. I finally left my BF. Did he know about the A, yes. But for him, he was just like, ok what ever. As long as I was there to cook and clean for all of them I dont think he really cared.
I was told that after I left him, he sobered up a little, but he had left such a bad mark noone trusted him, he wound up in jail. He later told me, you should have told me you were leaving I would have helped you load stuff uup. SO maybe I was part of the reason he drank, you cant change the past.

Are you wanting to work it out with your DH if he gets sober? Him leaving all the messages, is he wanting you back or pissed cause you left? were you his rock so to speak? I think that I would wait until he is clean to tell him, if you so choose to. If you told him and something happened, I dont think that you could handle that right now. He probably couldnt handle knowing right now either.

I dont know that I have been any help.. I wish you luck.. keep us posted and big huggzzz

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-19-2006
In reply to: whatabadidea
Thu, 03-22-2007 - 7:43pm

IMHO, don't tell. My dad is a recovering alcoholic and you're right, when they are actively drinking they can manipulate any piece of information to divert attention from their responsibility for their own drinking.

If the a doesn't have anything to do with the reason for your desire to divorce, I can't imagine what good would come of it.

Again, just my opinion.

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-23-2006
In reply to: whatabadidea
Thu, 03-22-2007 - 10:22pm

hey mom--

good question. i honestly believe the a gave me the strength to leave my marriage. i was able to see the flaws that were not evident. my therapist also helped me through this process. it was not the reason i left. $$ was the reason i walked out. stbx could not hold a job for the past 5 years. i used all of my retirement (over 100K), our nest egg is gone (our home went to foreclosure) he cannot hold a job, cannot provide for our children. etc.......

no i don't want to work it out with stbx. he is into emotional blackmail now. tonight, he brought my mail over and tucked into the mail was the watch i gave him for our 1st anniversary. wtf!! that is just a small example.

maybe a good old catholic confession will take care of my guilt.

anyway, thanks for the response.

what

what
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-18-2007
In reply to: whatabadidea
Thu, 03-22-2007 - 10:31pm

I'm a BS and it being 3 years ago, it's not raw anymore so I'm not offended :-)

You're divorcing already, you feel that it's for other reasons. The only thing telling him is going to achieve is going to make him angrier, give him more reason to bombard you with nasty messages etc and clear your conscience.

In this circumstance, I wouldn't tell.

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-02-2005
In reply to: whatabadidea
Thu, 03-22-2007 - 10:57pm
My A gave me the courage as well. ALot of people couldnt understand why I was still there. It just took the right person to make me see it.
He had his own business, was writting bad checks, my taxx returns were going to get him out of trouble. He would tell someone he was buying their car, take it and never pay for it. Or give away my cars while I was at work, that was fun! I supported him and my 4 kids. He would pout if he didnt get his way etc...
confession is always good for the soul!!
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-23-2006
In reply to: whatabadidea
Fri, 03-23-2007 - 10:09am

thanks all.

i suppose it is all about the emotional rollercoaster that i am on. one day up, one day down. i also need to remember that i don't owe him an explanation. i left him, he knows why. in our state, once you move out of the marital home and file for divorce, you are considered separated. he doesn't seem to understand this. two weeks from today is my first hearing. stbx doesn't have an attorney, so he isn't going. that works in my favor. my attorney will ask for a final hearing within 30 days and hopefully that will be it.

i am sad that i wasted the last 5 years of my life on this man. the first 15 were ok, never overly happy, full of drama. i just want to move on and find some happiness within myself.

i'm so glad its friday.

c

what
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-19-2003
In reply to: whatabadidea
Sun, 03-25-2007 - 12:39pm

Don't tell (and don't beat yourself up about it!).


Karen ~ wildlucky4me ~

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-01-2005
In reply to: whatabadidea
Sun, 03-25-2007 - 1:07pm
I would definitely not tell him. Especially if there are children involved, he would turn it into a weapon against you with the children. This I know because my STBX did the same thing when he found out how close I was to my brother in law (he was there for emotional support as I was deciding whether or not to leave the marriage). Anyway, he has used it to the hilt and has done so much damage to the kids. Don't tell!
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-23-2006
In reply to: whatabadidea
Sun, 03-25-2007 - 3:32pm

doesnt matter anyway..........

he pulled the cell phone records yesterday and confronted me with it. he called my parents, my friends, xap, you name it, he is on a mission. he has told everyone that i am having an affair.

he is angry, he is blaming me for everything, he keeps calling and harrasing me. i don't know what to do. you are right wild lucky, if he were there for me, i wouldn't have needed to step outside my marriage.

the saga continues...................




Edited 3/25/2007 3:33 pm ET by whatabadidea
what
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-19-2003
In reply to: whatabadidea
Sun, 03-25-2007 - 4:19pm

OK... but no matter who he calls, what he says or what he does.... YOU know what he put you through, and OK, so maybe you crossed the line, but if it was the reality check that you needed to see that YOU deserve certain things out of your life that you weren't getting, then oh well.


Hang in there!

Karen ~ wildlucky4me


Karen ~ wildlucky4me ~

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