Do you tell

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-23-2006
Do you tell
21
Thu, 03-22-2007 - 4:48pm

this may not be the right question for this board, but here it goes.

i have been posting for a while now that i am divorcing my h primarily because he is an alcoholic. i won't go into all the details, they are there in past postings. i have not disclosed my a to him prior to our separation. he has grown suspicious and continues to ask me about it. he sends me mean vm's, tm's, emails. i know i may deserve it, and i want to be honest with him, tell him i was unfaithful to him, but he is still drinking heavily, still taking antidepressants, and still not employed. i never meant to hurt him, but my a was truly a reaction to an already bad situation.

i know there are alot of bs's on this board who have left their h or W because of an a and are now divorcing. so i hope my question doesn't offend you. but to those who are in my situation, do you tell? i don't want to hurt him anymore than he is hurt now, but he blames me for the demise of our marriage anyway. (alcoholics tend to blame everyone else for their problems) i see it as "guilt transferrence." (is that even a word)

what
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-23-2006
In reply to: whatabadidea
Sun, 03-25-2007 - 5:03pm

thank you wildlucky. will you come to my house and give me a big hug????

i need one and i feel alone.

what
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-19-2003
In reply to: whatabadidea
Sun, 03-25-2007 - 11:52pm

You betcha!!!!


Karen ~ wildlucky4me ~

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-23-2006
In reply to: whatabadidea
Mon, 03-26-2007 - 7:04am
how does the court look upon adultery?
what
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-01-2005
In reply to: whatabadidea
Mon, 03-26-2007 - 11:41am
Sorry to hear he's telling everyone about the affair. He will try to tarnish your name. The same exact thing happened to me and he even started going to the person who cuts my hair, got to know a couple of the grocery clerks that I know, talked to neighbors, called friends in our phone book, you name it. Just be prepared for it to continue. Hang in there.
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-09-2006
In reply to: whatabadidea
Mon, 03-26-2007 - 11:50am

Why tell? Your honesty is commendable, but we both know in the end, that it will only hurt him further.

fyi--I wouldn't tell. You are diviorcing anyways. It just seems counter-productive to me. Are you trying to hurt/punish him further?

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-01-2005
In reply to: whatabadidea
Mon, 03-26-2007 - 11:54am
In my state the court doesn't care.
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-23-2006
In reply to: whatabadidea
Mon, 03-26-2007 - 5:14pm
after speaking to my attorney, apparently my state doesn't care either. and you need hard core proof. literally-- pictures of us having sex, hotel records and cell phone bills don't cut it.
what
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-01-2005
In reply to: whatabadidea
Mon, 03-26-2007 - 6:49pm
I don't even think pictures would even make a difference anyway. My atty said the judge doesn't even want to listen to indiscretions -- unless it has affected the children where they have witnessed stuff going on in front of them. I wouldn't worry any further if I were you.
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-19-2003
In reply to: whatabadidea
Mon, 03-26-2007 - 10:14pm

Basically, they really don't care.


Karen ~ wildlucky4me ~

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-20-2006
In reply to: whatabadidea
Tue, 03-27-2007 - 8:39am

hi what,

you said"

"do you tell? i don't want to hurt him anymore than he is hurt now, but he blames me for the demise of our marriage anyway."

Your words say 1) he blames you already and 2) you do not want to hurt him. By telling him, then you would be giving him MORE reason to blame you AND it would without a doubt hurt him. In the end, what purpose would telling him serve? What purpose would it serve you? Every action has a reaction. Some things are better left unsaid. I say keep it to yourself and try to have an amicable split is as possible.

Loves


-Dianne, 41 yo
DH 37