Does anyone read "toldyouso"/Ask Amy???

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Registered: 08-17-2001
Does anyone read "toldyouso"/Ask Amy???
9
Sun, 09-17-2006 - 7:32pm

Earlier this week, there was a letter to "Ask Amy" in our local paper and it really got me mad, then got me thinking. I'll post the letter in this post and then my thoughts, and then Amy's response.

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Dear Amy: My husband and I are high school sweethearts. We have three beautifula children, great careers, and financial stability. We are both 40.

During the six years that we dated, I knew that he wasn’t romantic or very affectionate, but I married him anyway. I’ve complained to him during all these years in vain. I’ve threatened to leave him several times, and every time he tells me not to give up on him, and to give him another chance.

When asked, he says that he doesn’t know why he can’t be romantic and affectionate toward me. He tells me that he loves me and that he shows me his love by helping around the house and with the children.

I feel depressed and physically in pain, but I cant’ bring myself to leave him because I know how painful it is to grow up without a father. Additionally, I don’t know if I want him to “change” anymore. I’m very fit and he’s gained more than 50 pounds since we got married and I don’t find him attractive.

I’ve offered him counseling in the past and he has said that he does not have a problem. I am sort of a “hoarder” (mainly sentimental things), and I think that I have a hard time letting him go because of this. I’d hate to “throw” our marriage away after 16 years, but at the same time I’d hate to live one more year in emotional neglect. Sad.

~calla~  mom to rosie and gracie

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Registered: 08-17-2001
Sun, 09-17-2006 - 8:43pm

So my first thought was "You knew what he was like when you married him." Then I started thinking "He's helping you around the house which is more than alot of women get."

Then I started wondering why she's threatened to leave him several times but never followed through. She's depressed? Why isn't SHE in therapy??? I don't think this poor man has any problems beyond a selfish wife and perhaps a weight problem (though he may have started out too thin, who knows).

Then cranked off set in. Emotional abuse? Can lack of ramance and affection be considered emotional abuse? I certainly don't think so. Belittling someone is emotional abuse. Not valuing your thoughts is emotional abuse. A controling partner is EA. Telling you that no one else would want you, or keeping you from working or going to school is EA. I could go on and on.

He doesn't need counseling. She does.

~calla~  mom to rosie and gracie

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Registered: 08-17-2001
Sun, 09-17-2006 - 8:45pm

And here is Amy's answer. I like her! I started thinking about how people who want to end a marriage should be required to go to counseling for a long time before they can actually do it. (Physical abuse aside).

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Dear Sad; You think that your husband needs counseling, but whenever you want for things to be different in life you need to start by examining your own motivations and goals. The reason to look at your own life is because your life is the only life that you can truly change.

You are very articulate in describing how you feel. A good counselor can take all of this information and help you draw valuable conclusions from it.

Even though you are attempting to describe your husband in an unflattering way, I actually see some good things about him in your letter. Acknowledging some of his good attributes may help you see that he is expressing his love and affection for you in many ways. He may never be able to give you exactly what you want, and if you need to leave the marriage because of this, then you should do so fully aware of what you are doing and why. Therapy will help you sort this out.

~calla~  mom to rosie and gracie

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-27-2006
Sun, 09-17-2006 - 9:38pm

I could've written that same letter. Only it's been 17 years for me. Sad did not say she was suffering from emotional "abuse". She said emotional "neglect". Big difference. Why do you feel so angry towards this woman? Living with a husband who neglects you emotionally as well as physically is painful and is a real issue. Why do you make light of it? Have you ever been totally humiliated by your husband, when after months of no physical contact whatsoever, you put on your sexiest lingerie and call to him from the bedroom only to get, "Not tonight, honey."? Until you have experienced this, you have alot of nerve to judge her/me. The poor woman is reaching out for help. And she admits she needs counseling. BTW, you could use some yourself to get to the bottom of your anger issues. Peace.

P.S. I'm not trying to start trouble with you. I just have a problem with people judging others w/o the benefit of walking in their shoes. JMHO

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-17-2001
Sun, 09-17-2006 - 9:48pm

I'm not judging her and I HAVE been there. I've been exactly where you are and have gotten therapy to help me move past it. But not only did my XH not give me any affection or romance, belittle me and treat me like I didn't matter, but he didn't do all that much around the house. His job was more important than our relationship. In our last 2 years, the only time he told me that he loved me was in couples therapy when he was asked if he loved me. I know what my XH is like now without the benefit of some good-soul-searching therapy. He's a huge emotional black hole.

Everyone should have to have therapy before they end a marriage and continue it afterwards so that they aren't doomed to repeat the same mistakes and many times, drag children with them.

I hope you've gotten some good help and can move past your own past. Rebuilding my own self-esteem was a long, hard road, but it was well worth it. I'm very content with where I am! And I'm sorry you misunderdtood my posts.

~calla~  mom to rosie and gracie

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-30-2003
Sun, 09-17-2006 - 9:54pm

I find this letter very interesting. The woman is clearly unhappy and struggling to figure out why. I see that she is depressed and that is likely the root of her issues. But not being able to see that herself she is blaming her husband for her discontent. It's a typical occurance.

I can't judge her, before I got into really working on my own issues and seeing the reality of myself and my partner, I may have had the same petty complaints. Ther reality is that no one wants to leave a relationship that's working and very few want to leave "just because", so there has to be something going on and it always takes 2.

I do agree that anyone who is considering making a life altering decision- like divorce; should have as much high quality counselling as possible prior to making a decision or a major change. This isn't about fixing the problems, yourself, or your partner but about preventing a repeat of the same dysfunction that got you to an unhappy place to begin with. It's never easy.

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-17-2001
Sun, 09-17-2006 - 10:12pm

I had one of those conversations this week that had the dreaded sentence "You're so lucky that you're divorced. It's so muc easier." I think that's why I was really upset about this woman's letter. Divorce is not easy. It's the hardest thing I've ever done and I wish every day that my daughters didn't have to live through this. I wish that my XH would have gotten help for his depression, which probably caused his treatment of me. But hindsight is 20/20.

I just can't understand why anyone would choose to take a walk down Divorce Lane if there was a viable option, even if the viable option included alot of hard work.

~calla~  mom to rosie and gracie

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-27-2006
Sun, 09-17-2006 - 10:33pm

Thank you for sharing that. I did misunderstand your post and I apologize for letting my emotions get the best of me.

Funny, my STBX has that all important job, as well. He still has it, but not me. We did try counseling for awhile, but it doesn't work if you don't work it. He never had the time for the impromptu picnics in the park or the once a month date nights. Oh well, his loss.

I've only been gone for 4 months and I'm still trying to adjust to it all. I do plan to see a therapist on an individual basis and I suggested he do the same. For all the reasons you gave. I don't expect it to bring us back together, but if it can help us heal then I'll be happy. :-)

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-19-2003
Sun, 09-17-2006 - 11:18pm

You're right on, Calla!


Karen ~ wildlucky4me ~

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-17-2001
Sun, 09-17-2006 - 11:24pm

It's hard to really determine mood and tone with the written word, isn't it? And I didn't really express myself as well as I could have.... I'm chalking it up to a hectic week with sick kiddles!

Definitely heal yourself. The only behavior you can control is your own! And yes.... missing out on YOU is his loss. My XH missed out on alot, but I'm going to live the rest of my life with no more regrets, looking forward.

~calla~  mom to rosie and gracie