Does anyone understand??
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| Thu, 03-08-2007 - 11:32pm |
Is there something wrong with me.
H had an affair for 6 years. We've been supposedly rebuilding for 3. The past year we've been worse than we've ever been. No intimacy, fighting a lot. At Christmas I told him we needed to fix things or we were over. Nothing!!! January, I begged him, cried was devastated, told him at the end of January we were over. He's been in the other room since then. February, I've been dealing with it and am still up and down but know it's over. He's acting as though things are just normal. We're still living the same, I'm still cooking, cleaning, washing, ironing for him. Still ferrying kids around between us.
I can't stand it though, he doesn't bring up anything, I have to in relation to our split and then he says I'm fighting with him. Then I don't bring it up and it goes on forever until I bring it up again. He's probably happy with situation, he doesn't have to sleep with me, I'm barely talking to him, it's the same as before except he's got no hassles from me.
I need this to be over with, he says why can't I live with things the way they are for a while and why do I have to carry on like this. I just don't want him in my face anymore. I can't move on while he's there. I'm going out with the kids all the time so I don't have to face him. Not because he's nasty or anything like that - because he seems oblivious to what is going on. I need closure, I need to start my new life and I can't do it coming home to him everynight.
Life is going to be much harder when he's not there what with having the kids full-time and doing it all myself but it will be easier than this. Other people I know who have separated have done it in 2 different houses, we can't afford it until we sell ours and he's stalling on that and on doing the odd jobs he needs to do before we can put it on the market.
Does it make sense to anybody?? Am I mad!!!!!!

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gabbysnewstart2007...
Pianoguy thinks it's a simple choice of you accepting your husband's complancency by keeping your mouth shut....OR.....striking out on your own in pursuit of the happiness that he obviously isn't providing!
Whether you have the courage to take a few steps forward or not has nothing to do with madness. It's more like trying to retain whatever 'sanity' you currently have!
Here's hoping a friend or family member can give you a "shot of courage" in order to move forward?
Good Luck!
Pianoguy
Thanks for your reply Pianoguy, but THAT is the whole point. I WANT to move on. I WANT to sell the house, I've got my parents standing in the wings with some cash to help me buy another place, our 10 year old DD knows and is all for it, I've drawn up our budget to show my H that we cannot afford for me and the kids to live here while he moves out which is what he wants to happen. I am looking at real estate in the area, I am READY TO MOVE....he is procrastinating....he is stalling....he is acting nice as pie.
I've tried for 3 years to move on from his A. I've realised it's never gonna happen. He says for 3 years he has tried to show me how much he loves me and that the A was just that but he's not able to give anymore either (would have helped if he'd maintained no contact with his OW after DD). Anyway, we both know it is OVER!!! But here we are, still living in the same house, still performing our same duties, my head is gonna explode.....
I feel totally and absolutely helpless to do anything about it. I cannot sell unless he agrees to it or I can make him do it with lawyers but I'm hoping to keep things amicable. Unfortunately my H is showing the same traits that have lead us to this outcome. Like an ostrich he sticks his head in the sand and hopes it will go away.
I went to a friends' house with my son tonight and just got home, he has now gone to bed, we spoke 2 words to each other, hello and goodnight...
This is hell and I can't wait for it to be over
Yep, I do. I am in your stbx's shoes in that I don't want the divorce and we are still in the same house and he wants OUT ... NOW!!! We have a 4 yo and 6 yo and I am a sahm. Unlike your stbx, I am being very cooperative; actually doing more of the work than my stbx.
May I suggest you schedule an appt. with a mediator and tell you stbx and maybe he will show up? I sure did when my stbx scheduled a meeting, angry though I was.
Of course, NOW isn't a practical thing for us, much like you. It takes time to prepare settlement agreements and child custody agreements. And since I am unemployed (though immediately returned to school in anticipation of work re-entry), his leaving sooner creates a tremendous financial crisis; we cannot afford to support two households on his salary. I can't go back to work RIGHT NOW because my children are both in 1/2 day programs--one morning/one afternoon; I couldn't get paid enough to cover the daycare costs and I wouldn't add to my children's trauma by suddenly thrusting them into daycare on top of their father's leaving them.
I am opposed to selling the house for the same reason--my children need the stability of the same comforting home, neighbors, good friends and school. Unfortunately, because of what I perceive to be as my stbx's incredible selfishness, my children and I will have to pay the price for his freedom: near poverty (even when I get a job), choas as we sell our home and look for something we can afford that almost certainly won't have the much cherished front yard, loss of friends and neighborhood support ...
So, I am not your stbx, but I am living with mine in the same house and would much prefer we continued to do so until a) my kids are in school full-time (2007-08 or 2008-09--not sure whether the schools will switch to full-day kindy this coming year), and b) I have a full-time job and c) we have a settlement. But, nope, he wants to plow ahead and destroy it all (I haven't even touched on his unrealistic (polite word) plans for where he is going to live and how he will arrange to see his children during the week); plans to move out at the end of April whether or not we have a settlement.
So, GL to you. I would try scheduling a mediation to see if you can get things moving, but then realize -- with kids involved -- to do it right -- takes time.
M
Are you sure it's just your husband with his head in the sand? If your parents are willing to help then let them. If he's not talking to you than who is he talking to? Same with sleeping. Sorry but been there done that. If your sitting on a horse in the middle of the road and the horse won't move, are you going to just sit there?
Can you and children move into an apt.? Or as last result with parents? If nothing else it will get him moving. Either to sell or do something about marriage. Sounds like you need to talk to someone. I feel bad that you are so miserable. There is life after divorce. I have yet to hear someone say "Gee I wish I would have stayed in that miserable situation."
i know b/c i've been in the same situation...deadlocked - you say that you want it to be over....yet....
thing is we can say we want to do something all day, but until we begin to take the proper action towards it, the day will never come...my separation couldn't have happened at a worse time - we have three children, i make little money & i'm actually beginning training next month for a business i'm starting, that i just came $1,000 out of pocket for...honestly i don't know how i'm gonna make it etc...but i am determined after our last "episode" that i can no longer live this way - it's cyclical bullsh**...we go for awhile & things are good, they are great....then....he starts complaining about this, that the other...i start complaining, then we get into a fight....then we don't speak...then he calls his lawyer & tells me he's serving me...then i usually don't respond (like ignoring a child when they are misbehaving) and usually it will go away - but then it will reoccur days, wks, mos later...and each time it does, i have a breakdown trying to figure out how i'm gonna make it?!! totally stressful!!! then i start towards the actions of letting him know i'm leaving...then...he makes improvements...i accept & we fall right back into the same vicious cycle again...it's both of us that need to make the necessary changes together at the same time to save our marriage/family - us both having the desire to be on the same page, having the same ideas of the life we want together & how we are going to go about getting them TOGETHER...not one step here, one there & neither at the same time...it is maddening!!! sooooo...someones had to make the final decision...at diff times it's been him...but he's never followed thru...but i've got to for my sanity...
and is it convenient...no...do i know how i'm gonna do it? no...but i will find away & stop making excuses - it'll never be easy or convenient...the agony is not making the decision - once you truly make the decision, it is all downhill from there...
good luck!
Dear Gabby,
Have you filed yet? At this point he has no incentive to do anything. I think it will take action on your part to move things ahead. This process is hard and time consuming (my H had affairs and filed for D) but you probably should talk to an attorney before you do something that might hurt you financially in the end. You don't have to do it a lawyer but I am finding it helps to have one involved, even it you don't litigate, its one less thing I have to become an expert in. If you live in a no-fault state he cannot stop a divorce, but you will have to push it through.
Its not a sprint, its a marathon and you have to pace yourself.
M.
Thanks, Laurel!
Pianoguy
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