Does this happen to you...

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-11-2005
Does this happen to you...
13
Mon, 10-31-2005 - 9:41am
.....the week before was easy. Things seemed to go smoothly. I wasn't obessing, I was making plans I was not thinking about my marriage ending. But last week I was a wreck. All of a sudden any darn TV show, or news atricle, or person telling me a story was hard. I kept thinking about the marriage and how I wished it had worked, how I wish I could have done more, and why did he give up on us, why didn't he try.....all the questions just kept coming down on me like a cloud. I had no answers and it just kept pounding me and pounding me. I tried journaling it out but I could not find the positive.
Does this happen to anyone? Its been since Aug 20th when he moved out and onto someone else. I don't know how to stop the flood of feelings when they come. Any suggestions?

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iVillage Member
Registered: 04-11-2005
Mon, 10-31-2005 - 10:02am

Yes it happens to me too. Most of the time I feel OK, especially since I moved into my own place and don't have to see his lying cheating disapproving face every day.

But my divorce will be final this Friday, and that has brought up all the feelings again. I'll have to sign my name to a legal document, and then the bonds of marriage will be "dissolved."

It's not right; we took vows and I was willing to stick by him forever. But he wanted out and was never willing to work on our marriage. He went out of his way to sign a petition for divorce against me, for no reason that I can make out. He said "irreconcilable differences." What a crock! He just wanted out, that was all.

Well now his online girfriends are welcome to him. I was upset because of the way he described himself on "match" web sites. But a friend at work said, "He can say anything he likes about himself on a web site; his true personality will come out sooner or later." That's right!

What goes around, comes around. How I hope it's true!

Barb S.

Avatar for mom2maggie
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-29-2003
Mon, 10-31-2005 - 10:41am

YES, YES, YES. It happens to me too. I know what all the things are that I need to be doing to rebuild mysef, but some weeks I just can't seem to do them.

I agreed to irreconciliable differences because I know that our relationship is beyond repair now. It was painfully clear this year that he was only still married to me because he was afraid of loosing his children. He's moved on and I'm so hurt that I couldn't ever trust him with my heart again. However, I can't stop wishing we would have asked for outside help sooner (like two years into our nine year marriage). By the time he agreed to counseling he was already gone emotionally, but it took him another nine months to admit it to himself and to me.

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-11-2004
Mon, 10-31-2005 - 10:46am
I know, girl do I know. You just have to allow yourself to feel whatever you are feeling at the time it happens. It's been almost 2 years for me and sometimes I still get those flood of feelings sometimes. They are no where near as bad as they were. When they happen I just go through them. Things between ex and me are still a mess but Im taking time for myself. Finding "me" again. Iam acutally able to smile a little at times about the time we shared together. We have a beautiful son that I will always be forever thankful for. So it does get easier with time. Just please dont beat yourself up when you have these "setback", they happen and will make you who you are after the rain ends.
Avatar for mom2maggie
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-29-2003
Mon, 10-31-2005 - 10:56am

I think I'm constantly having these "setbacks" because STBX and I have managed to be "very adult" during our separation. We also see each other nearly every day because of our children (I work during the day and he mostly works evenings). Sometimes I think it would be easier for me if he acted in a way that made it easy for me to hate him, but I know that would not be good for our kids. I am glad that he remains devoted to them, but I'll be even more glad when I stop feeling so crummy.

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-11-2005
Mon, 10-31-2005 - 12:43pm
.....the days seem so long but then when night comes its even worse. I don't know what I want or expect. Its not like there is even a chance for us to go back, but I can't seem to go forward. I'm stuck in this one spot and I don't know what is the key to move me forward...is it time?.....acceptance seems to allude me at the moment, the anger is draining, the pain, hurt and confusion is making me ill. I keept going on about how unfair it is. How he used me and he just goes on without a thought while I'm in pain.
What were some of thing some of you used to get through it? How does it become "fair" in your mind or how do you "accept" the unfairness of divorce?
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-19-2003
Mon, 10-31-2005 - 5:18pm

It happens.... and we get through it.


Karen ~ wildlucky4me ~

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-21-2005
Mon, 10-31-2005 - 9:30pm

I know what you are going thru...tonight was hard for me...stbx was usually the one who took the kids out for halloween...he asked if he could but I told him it wasn't his usually visitation day..I just couldn't do that..pretending we were parenting together..he sounded upset..so now I sit here at the computer sobbing...I missed the jerk tonight..but I have to realize..he is missing the kids...not me..he is happy with his life now..
I don't understand how he can be in love with someone else so soon..or at all..
I keep thinking about how unfair it is ...it comes in waves...

Hopefully tomorrow will be a better day!
the good news is they had a great time tonight!

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-15-2005
Tue, 11-01-2005 - 7:33am

I feel for you... from one goddess to another

 

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-11-2004
Tue, 11-01-2005 - 9:02am

Im glad that you two can be civil. My ex and I tried that in the beginning but I and I think he even though he would never admit it couldnt handle it. It involve tooooo many emotions and we ended up sleeping together again a few times and he had already moved on to someone else. So that was wrong on so many levels.

But now he hates me because of some electronics I didnt give him from the apartment and does not even be involved consistently with our son and that breaks my heart. The baby will be 3 the end of november and when he asks to see his daddy it kills me or when he sees a red truck like his dad drives he gets all excited and starts hopping up and down saying "red truck", "wanna see daddy" my god you just dont know how heartwrenching that is. So we've went from one extreme to the next. Seeing him everyday I wouldnt be able to handle, still doing "family things together", would be too emotional for me but I do wish we were decent to each other. Well I was but he has forced me not to deal with him unless absolutely necessary. It would be good if he could respect me like I did him but he refuses so there's nothing else I can do for the time being except pray that he grows up. As far as the baby goes we will be going to mediation in 2 weeks. Maybe that will be a start of a better something between him and I.

Just guard your heart, be very careful. It's good that you guys can be decent for each other for the kids thats the way it should be. Just protect YOUR HEART. Dont let him suck you in to making things about you and him unless that is what you BOTH want.

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-11-2005
Tue, 11-01-2005 - 9:39am
...I know what you mean. I keep saying to myself I will be able to get through this and be strong. Some days I am just too weak for those words. I don't have a large support system so I am afraid I might make my support group battle weary from all my talk. I talk and talk and cry and sob ..... I feel guilty taking this time to grieve, am I normal to do so much emotional up and downs? I mean some days I feel like I'm a freak. How come I can't just move onto the next relationship like him? How does he do it so easily? Is that the norm, is that how everyone is? and I'm just weird?
I wish I could do that too, forget it all and move on. Why's it so hard for me?

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