Does it always hurt when they move on?
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| Wed, 01-04-2006 - 9:45am |
I just found out this past weekend that my ex (we've been separated for just over a year and divorced for about 8 months) is engaged. His girlfriend use to be a friend of mine...she was at my friggin BABY SHOWER and we were all friends (so I thought) and that's why this is so hard. I know they didn't "get together" until after we were separated, but it hurts so bad because I knew her. Now they are living together in the house the HE & I bought together, she is sleeping in the bed that HE & I slept on and to complete her new role as ME, she is spending time with MY DAUGHTER. We share 50% custody, so that w***re spends just as much time with my daughter as I do. So who would have thought that all that time we hung out, she would be stepping in and taking over one day. I hate her so much. My ex sat down with me and tried to have a serious conversation about how I need to "respect" her and "be nice" to her because she's going to be in his life and our daughter's life forever....and i'm making it hard on her. Oh boo freakin' hoo- cry me a river. To make matters worse, while he & I were married he worked until midnight every night because he hated being home, never took me anywhere, and completely ignored me. Now with her, they go on trips to Europe every few months, go out all the time and that a$$ actually leaves work at 5pm EVERY DAY TO GO HOME TO HER. WHAT THE HELL???????? I hope she's happy that I endured 7 years of a crappy marriage for her to live like a Goddess. Congratulations!
As you can see i'm full of a lot of rage, but i'm also full of a lot of hurt. All I have been doing since I found out about the engagement is thinking about him and what we had. Not the bad stuff, but only the good. I miss my house, my dogs, my life. Now I live in an apartment, have no money, and am miserable. By the way, the reason he has the house is because I chose to let him have it considering I couldn't handle the mortgage payments.
I think the weirdest part for me is to hear him defend her, stand up for her and say "You need to treat her with respect, because I love her"....it's so hard to hear him defend another woman and tell ME how much he loves her, when we were together for so long and I was with him for so long. It just hurts. Though this divorce was originally my desire, and it was for the right reasons- I just can't help but to wish I never wanted it. I miss him. Is this normal? Does it ever get better???
Lainie

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LOL, I guess no men are off limits to some women! Personally, I don't give a rats behind how attracted I was to a guy, if he was married to my friend he's OFF LIMITS- PERIOD.
She's a gold-digging little tramp though, she's been engaged a couple of times and I remember her complaining once about how the ring this guy bought her wasn't the cut she wanted. I remember thinking, "that ring costs more than my car".
It hurts so badly because he treats her the way I always wanted him to treat me. Now she must think "what was she complaining about, he's incredible!" while all I did was complain when we were together because he treated me like crap! It's so hard that he's moved on. Honestly, even when we got this divorce process started, I had a *feeling* we would get back together. Boy was I wrong. Yes I know i've dated- obviously, i'm PREGNANT. But emotionally I have not moved on at all. In fact, the guy I am seeing (father of baby) wants a committment but I just can't. I'm such a wreck right now. I sit up at night & look at pictures of my ex & I and just cry. I cannot let go, and it hurts so much that he has completely let go of me. Such a feeling of rejection. It's like she won- because for a while (like Feb-April of this year) we were sort of trying to work it out. We were going out occassionally, and were having sex. Well, he was seeing her too- yet he told me they were just friends. Then he made his decision. He chose her. God this hurts.
Lainie
Have you had any counseling since the divorce? It is possible a lot of this is pregnancy hormones.
From the outside it does not sound like he did anything wrong. If he treated you badly in the marriage then you took care of that by divorcing him but you cannot expect him to treat her badly in order to make it up to you.
He is right that if you continue to be hateful your daughter will be affected and she will grow to resent you for it. Your daughter does not care what happened in your marriage, she will only remember that you made it difficult for her to love her dad and her stepmom (which is what she will be if they marry).
I know how hard it can be to move on, especially when you feel like you were treated babdly. But what did you expect when you divorced him? That he would sit around and pine for you for the rest of his life?
Good luck.....
Of course I didn't expect him to sit around missing me...the whole point of my post was to get some responses saying "yes I know how you feel" or "yes I have been there". It wasn't to ask whether or not either of us was right. And how is it not supposed to hurt when I was treated badly and she is treated like a Goddess? Of course that pisses me off, and yes it would make me feel better if she was treated the same way.
Anything else you'd like to lecture me on?
Lainie
If you want to be treated like a Goddess then let the guy you are seeing do it. Sounds like he loves you but you are so full of anger and hate that you cannot let anyone love you.
I want to say a lot more but you are coming across as very irrational and mean so I will just leave it at.....I hope you find peace.......
I am not irrational & mean...I am going through a LOT right now (not to mention pregnancy hormones) and just wanted to vent, and your response was rude, just like your response to a previous post that I had regarding child support laws changing. You just have a very condescending tone to your comments- and I am very quick to stand up for myself, so maybe that comes across as "mean".
Lainie
i certainly don't think you're irrational. you're honest. my marriage was over before my ex met someone -- and then it officially ended. that was 1 1/2 yrs ago. he lives with her and she is now a part of the kids lives. it's surreal.
he treated me like hell and now he treats her -- like when he and i first met -- and they've been together for probably two years now. so, we were the bad match and they are the better match. when i first found out, i was absolutely devastated. our marriage was so bad for so long and still -- i was absolutely devastated. i started thinking about the early years and how happy we were -- then we had kids and it wasn't the lifestyle he wanted. he wanted those kids every bit as much as i did. we headed in different directions. i had to learn to always keep in mind those very bad times when i started feeling nostalgic. what used to make both of us happy together was gone. finally, i'm used to it. but ask me if i've met the girlfriend. no. i don't want to.
Hey there Lainie...
First of all, I have to tell you that I had this nice long response typed out this morning, until my computer froze and it went poof! Ugh... it was so frustrating! So, I'm going to try to remember some things that I wrote earlier...
Your ex is engaged... can you do that when you're still married? I mean, your divorce isn't final YET is it? As for me, I have the feeling that my xh is going to announce he's getting married soon... they've been together for a while now... (at least three years) and it is just a feeling I have... but it is odd, because I haven't mentioned my feeling to anyone (except here on this board), but recently (after I started feeling this way) I had a discussion with xh's aunt and she mentioned that she could see my xh and his gf getting married about 10 times during the conversation... the kicker was when she mentioned that during our wedding, there was never doubt in her mind that we'd be together forever... but since he cheated and we divorced, she would always have that doubt in her mind going further if he does re-marry... and then she pondered if xh or gf (who also cheated on her xh and divorced) were really meant to be married, if they were really the type to make that commitment... but I digress... anyway, back to you...
I can only imagine how hard it is to see the new gf where you feel you should be... in the house you shared with your stbx, in the bed you shared with stbx, with your daughter... as hard as it is, one thing I would encourage you to do is to take the high road... it is one of the hardest things to do during a divorce, or its aftermath (new so's, etc), especially in dealing with your stbx, his gf, etc, but do your best to attempt to be civil with them during each and every encounter... this does not mean that you have to be warm at all, but civil... as you would a stranger. Think about what you want to teach your daughter as far as interacting with others when she is angry...
Now, I'm not saying that you cannot have these ill feelings towards your stbx and his gf, but, don't let them see your anger... if they see it, they've won... kill them with kindness, biting your tongue as you smile through it all... until you leave or they're gone... once they're gone, feel free to come here and vent to us or to call a friend or a family member and vent... just don't vent to your daughter about your xh and his gf... my Mom, who divorced my Dad in 1999 after 29 years of marriage, still tries to vent about my Dad to me somedays... I tell her that I cannot stand to hear her vent about him and that is what her sisters are for... then I call one of them and hand her the phone... she knows that I don't want to hear it... I'm old enough to tell her so... your daughter may know that it makes her feel uncomfortable, but may not be able to express that...
Another thing that I would encourage you to do is to not just remember the good times.... there were actions (or perhaps lack of actions) that led you to the decision that you made, namely to separate and divorce. By remembering only the good times, you are making it harder for yourself... One thing that I eventually forced myself to do was to remember the bad times.... His working all hours (yep, my xh was guilty of this one)...His going off to his parents house (and leaving me alone--I was not invited) 5 minutes after we took a pregnancy test and found out that we were pregnant (he was beyond estatic about the pregnancy and I was scared to death that we weren't ready... hmmm... guess I was right with that one)... so I had to sit there with my fears and deal with them by myself... his not wanting to spend time together as a couple before our son was born, preferring to stay out till all hours with the guys... his "mandatory" staff meeting at work the night after our son was born, come on... your boss knows we just had a baby... he could have missed it, trust me... his not being willing to stay and watch his son when I was very sick with a kidney infection... wound up in the emergency room and was told my temperature was 104 degrees... but his day in the woods hunting was much more important... his not wanting to spend holidays together, instead making plans with other friends for Memorial Day and 4th of July Weekends...
What I'm trying to say here is remembering the bad times, which is what got you to where you are today, is important in helping you be happy in your apartment, even though you miss your dogs and your money is beyond tight...
Do you like to read? I would like to recommend a book... it is In the Meantime: Finding Yourself and the Love You Want by Iyanla Vanzant (http://www.amazon.com/gp/product/0684848066/qid=1136430918/sr=2-1/ref=pd_bbs_b_2_1/104-1100390-3745563?s=books&v=glance&n=283155). Karen recommended it to me and I found it extremely helpful. I am getting ready to re-read it myself. It helps you prepare yourself to move out of limbo and onward...
Just remember, you can get through it... now, hold your head up high and take a deep breath...
*hugs*
Julie
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