Does it always hurt when they move on?

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-27-2005
Does it always hurt when they move on?
16
Wed, 01-04-2006 - 9:45am

I just found out this past weekend that my ex (we've been separated for just over a year and divorced for about 8 months) is engaged. His girlfriend use to be a friend of mine...she was at my friggin BABY SHOWER and we were all friends (so I thought) and that's why this is so hard. I know they didn't "get together" until after we were separated, but it hurts so bad because I knew her. Now they are living together in the house the HE & I bought together, she is sleeping in the bed that HE & I slept on and to complete her new role as ME, she is spending time with MY DAUGHTER. We share 50% custody, so that w***re spends just as much time with my daughter as I do. So who would have thought that all that time we hung out, she would be stepping in and taking over one day. I hate her so much. My ex sat down with me and tried to have a serious conversation about how I need to "respect" her and "be nice" to her because she's going to be in his life and our daughter's life forever....and i'm making it hard on her. Oh boo freakin' hoo- cry me a river. To make matters worse, while he & I were married he worked until midnight every night because he hated being home, never took me anywhere, and completely ignored me. Now with her, they go on trips to Europe every few months, go out all the time and that a$$ actually leaves work at 5pm EVERY DAY TO GO HOME TO HER. WHAT THE HELL???????? I hope she's happy that I endured 7 years of a crappy marriage for her to live like a Goddess. Congratulations!
As you can see i'm full of a lot of rage, but i'm also full of a lot of hurt. All I have been doing since I found out about the engagement is thinking about him and what we had. Not the bad stuff, but only the good. I miss my house, my dogs, my life. Now I live in an apartment, have no money, and am miserable. By the way, the reason he has the house is because I chose to let him have it considering I couldn't handle the mortgage payments.
I think the weirdest part for me is to hear him defend her, stand up for her and say "You need to treat her with respect, because I love her"....it's so hard to hear him defend another woman and tell ME how much he loves her, when we were together for so long and I was with him for so long. It just hurts. Though this divorce was originally my desire, and it was for the right reasons- I just can't help but to wish I never wanted it. I miss him. Is this normal? Does it ever get better???

Lainie

Pages

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-13-2004
Thu, 01-05-2006 - 5:30am
I don't think its irrational or mean to feel what she is feeling. With everything she has been through, I think it is perfectly normal. It's very painful to be treated badly by someone and then watch them treat someone else like gold. We women take that very personally. It brings up a lot of feelings and doubts about ourselves like "why weren't we good enough"; and "what does that person have that I don't". She needs compassion right now, not judgement.
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-27-2005
Thu, 01-05-2006 - 9:16am

Thank you all SO MUCH for the uplifting, encouraging responses! It feels so good to hear from people who know *exactly* how I feel, and they have all survived somehow.
I really appreciate it :)
Oh, you'd all be proud of me- I was so tempted to call his girlfriend yesterday afternoon (I have her cell number, we use to be friends) but I resisted and actually DELETED her number from my phone. I know that I'd end up leaving her a nasty voicemail and her & my ex would be on the phone with the lawyer immediately. He is just waiting for me to screw up and waiting for me to give him a reason to get full custody. NOT GONNA HAPPEN....MY LITTLE GIRL ISN'T GOING ANYWHERE!!!

Lainie

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-13-2004
Thu, 01-05-2006 - 3:54pm
Good for you! No matter how hurt and angry you are, don't play their "reindeer games"! Let them be the kind of people that they are, and you can be the better person. My hunch is that they deserve each other anyway, and you are better off without that kind of relationship or friendship. It's like with my ex and his gf. She wasn't my friend; God, I would never claim a "friend" like that!, but he always said that they were just "friends". I take great pleasure in the fact that I am SOOOOO much better off, and she is the one who ended up the "loser", in SOOOO many ways! I am so glad he finally found himself a loser to go with who he really is! Now I am free to love a winner! She gets to be his mommy now and pay for everything for him (she is already $7,000 in credit card debt because of him)! Good for her! I hope he runs her into the ground! Not my concern, nor do I care if she goes broke! She wanted him, she got him! And he is telling me every weekend when I drop off the kids that he still loves me, and that he regrets everyday how badly he screwed up, and he will NEVER love anyone the way he loves me! And how much like me SHE is! I find THAT very HARD to believe if not insulting, but if he wants to settle for a loser version of me, then I guess that's what he will get! And she will get only a portion of his heart, and probably not much else! Oh well!
Avatar for momtojoeybear
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Thu, 01-05-2006 - 10:53pm

Lainie,

I loved reading this post... I am so excited that you have started to take these steps... Great job NOT calling, even though I know you really wanted to and not giving your stbx and fuel for the fire...

In this post, you sound like you've got a piece of yourself back and you're willing and ready to fight for what is yours... Yeah you! We're proud of ya!

Keep us posted!

Julie

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-02-2004
Fri, 01-06-2006 - 1:40pm

In a word........YES!!!!!!!!!!

Your feelings are entirely normal. I've been in your same spot and felt the same way. Other women have written about it too. This is just part of the normal grieving process of divorce and moving on...

I do feel for you,
Cupcake

Edited for the following: I replied to your post before I read all the responses in the thread. Congratulations on your brave and mature actions. Be the better person. Our ex's new loves don't matter----OUR KIDS DO!!!!!!

Atta-gurl!




Edited 1/6/2006 1:54 pm ET by momsacupcake
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-02-2004
Fri, 01-06-2006 - 1:45pm
I totally agree with your take on this...Cupcake has been there, done that.

Pages