does it ever feel better?

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-24-2005
does it ever feel better?
20
Mon, 01-24-2005 - 11:18pm
I am new here, but I did post a reply to stillbelieves because her story was a bit like mine. I have been married for 28 years, and my husband never told me he was so terribly unhappy. I never thought divorce was even a thought in his mind. Last Thursday I came home from work and found a very short note on the kithchen counter, and he was gone. I am still in a state of shock and am having panic or anxiety attacks. I cannot imagine a life without him. I have known him since I was 19, and I will be 53 next month. He finally came to talk to me tonight, and he is convinced that he has done the right thing. He will not consider any counseling or trying to work out the problems. At least he did agree to slow down the "legal" process and wait a month to continue with that. He wanted me to fill out papers tonight, and I am still so hurt I can't think straight! Will it ever get better? Right now I just can't see it. I don't make friends easily and have always depended on him to be the "social" one. All my friends are his friends! I feel like I have been condemmed to a life a loneliness.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 03-28-2003
Tue, 01-25-2005 - 11:25am

yes it does get better and yo might not believe me now - but sometimes pulling yourself up by your suspenders and GETTING OUT THERE and living - is the most empowering trip of all. no - its not easy. its not going to be easy. but i assure you that someday (tomorrow, or next week, or in a year) you will wake up , and not feel that PAIN, and not feel that SADNESS and you will be happy. its a promise.


how to get there? well,

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-19-2003
Tue, 01-25-2005 - 11:41am

Hello... and Welcome to the board, although I'm sorry that you find yourself here.


Of course you're feeling lost.


Karen ~ wildlucky4me ~

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-20-2005
Tue, 01-25-2005 - 12:56pm

It DOES get better. Don't do papers until your in a better space. Papers done in the heat of emotion can often bite you in the butt. It's so incredibly hard to see straight, but take a pause. The hardest thing about the process is that your life was just turned upside down and yet you have to make huge life changing decisions too. You can take it slow. Don't be pressured. Gain some footing. Go see a counselor. Many stbx will try to get you while you're down and take advantage of the lack of fight because you are busy pondering what the hell just happened to your life!

There's good news though. You can start new. You can start fresh. You can find out who you are, in a different way than you ever would have. Get out of the house. Do something you'd never thought you'd do. Focus on you. Don't worry about making friends, focus on living your life and finding out new interests. This can be a completely devastating experience, but it can also, if you choose, it can be a completely new life for you a more authentic life. You will discover things about yourself you hadn't felt since you were young, or at all. The rest of your life, including friends, will come as a by product. I met some great friends in a divorce recovery class. We all were there and wanted to fling ourself off a bridge, but we ended up being friends, trying new things and it does amazing things for your spirit! I did things ALONE.....for the 1st time and I lived. Not only did I live, but going to a movie alone was a huge victory and not as bad as I thought it would be. You will tap into strength that is waiting to be seen. I found out things about myself I hadn't known, things I did, but were unable to do because of my spouse when we were married. There are moments of lonliness, but there is also a whole new world waiting to be discovered by you.......alone maybe at first, but friends will follow. Get out.

My mother told me the best revenge, even if you had to fake it through the pain sometimes, is to live well and be happy. What doesn't break you will make you stronger if you allow it! Show yourself who you are, change things you've always wanted.

It hurts gal. I'm so sorry for your pain. But just know it not only gets better, but it can change your whole world.

Read some encouraging books, get out. Don't make huge changes for a while, but do take care of yourself. If you need some book titles, let me know.

Hold on, you're in the rip your guts our part........but it passes, it lessens.

Take time.........you don't have to make any decisions right now.

You and your husband are at VERY different levels of the grief process. Don't let him take control of your future or pressure you to making decisions that will hurt you later. You're 53 and you can start over, but you need to make some good choices, not emotional ones. So don't be afraid to ask for space to collect your thoughts.

Don't give him the legal upper hand. Go talk to an attorney, even if you cry through it all. Ask questions about what your legally entitled to. Take care of your finances, your future.

You should be hurt and will be hurt, but it will get better. Cry......let it out. Journal, get into a support group, read, ask questions. You will be okay!!! I know it doesn't feel like it, but you will.......I promise! You will have really bad days with a few good moments and really good days with bad moments and everythign inbetween. If he's going to divorce you, you can't change that, but you can be smart, protect yourself and give yourself time to heal. A divorce isn't a quick thing, you have time, if you want it. Don't sign ANYTHING until you've talked to someone, at least a consulatation.

I'm sorry you are going through this.......... :)

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Tue, 01-25-2005 - 12:57pm
Just want to say, ditto to the preceeding. Believe it, your life has taken a turn at an unexpected fork in the road. But it goes on, and will be whatever you make of it. It's the start of a new era. Take time to grieve, and then create something you can enjoy and take pride in.
iVillage Member
Registered: 01-24-2005
Wed, 01-26-2005 - 7:09am
Thank you to everyone for the positive thoughts and advice. I did feel a bit better yesterday. At least there were a few moments during the day when I could focus on my teaching instead of what was happening to me. It is so good to hear from women who understand the kind of pain I am feeling. Now I am filled with "what ifs", because I know what I did wrong, and why he was unhappy. I just didn't know it was bothering him so much. He acted like he was just blowing it off and ignoring it until I got over my nasty little mood, and instead he was holding it all inside and feeling miserable. I will try to look ahead as everyone has said, but I'm still thinking about the past. I have made an appt. to see my doctor (maybe something for anxiety) and my job provides a few sessions with a counselor for free, so I will call and set that up. I am looking for a support group, but there is nothing near me right now. I do have 2 friends who are supporting me, but of course they are married and are also my husband's friends! I may need to check in with this message board daily for a while, so thanks again so much for your thoughts. If you believe in prayer, remember me in yours.
Tallteacher
iVillage Member
Registered: 06-06-2003
Wed, 01-26-2005 - 9:42am

Just have to add a few things here. I was married for 27 years and now have been "free" for 14 months. He also was "unhappy." The adjustment is huge, but it will get better.

I hadn't realized it, but my marriage revolved all around him and his needs. I had to figure out who I was. Go slow, there will be many changes in your life the next year. Make sure you make sound financial decisions. You deserve a good life and it's out there.

That guy will always be unhappy, so him leaving is a good thing. Now you can be happy with yourself. I know it's hard, but stay positive and you will not believe how things turn around. Learn to let go of the past and look forward to new beginnings.

I met someone the other day and they made a comment to me that keeps sticking in my brain. They said isn't it great to be this old and be able to act like a 19 year old again? I thought about that and I remember people saying wish I was 18 and knew all I know now. Well, lady you are! You can do what you want, how you want, when you want.

There's a whole new world waiting for you!

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-19-2003
Wed, 01-26-2005 - 9:50am

Most definitely!.... We're here ANY time... and I'm glad that you've made that call to your doctor.


Karen ~ wildlucky4me ~

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-08-2004
Wed, 01-26-2005 - 3:20pm
My situation is very much like yours, almost exactly. My husband fell in love with my best friend to top it though. I am three months into it and I can tell you honestly, no, I don't feel any better. The depression is less crippling, but the pain in my heart is as strong as it was the night he left. I attempted suicide on New Year's Eve, and while I can say I think I am past that, I do not feel any better. Some days I see no point to my life. I know that there is nothing anyone can do to fix it or make it better. I feel like this is something that will never be truly resolved for me. I feel like I will never get over this and I will never get over him. I have been in counseling for 3 months and am no closer to any kind of break in the way that I feel. I am telling you this not to make you feel badly, but to let you know that you are not the only one. My situation is complicated and messy and unbearably painful. I hope you can draw some comfort from knowing that you are not the first person this has ever happened to, and you will not be the last unfortunately. I am told that some day we will feel better, we will be happy again, and that we will get over this. I am holding on to hope. I haven't stopped hoping he will change his mind or his heart either, and come home to his family. It will take a very very long time to get over this. Years. You, like me, invested so much in your relationship with your husband (because you loved him so sincerely and so deeply) that when he left he took all your joy and your heart and your soul with him. I understand, I do. You are not the only one, someday, we will feel better.
iVillage Member
Registered: 01-18-2005
Wed, 01-26-2005 - 5:16pm
The site www.breakupsurvivor.com really helped me when I was going through my divorce. I've struggled with the same problem of feeling lonely and not having any friends and there are a lot of ideas on there on how to entertain yourself on your own and how to get a fresh new start. Hope it helps. My heart is with you.
iVillage Member
Registered: 01-24-2005
Wed, 01-26-2005 - 6:15pm
For smp,
I am so sorry that your situation is so painful! It is good to hear from someone who understands the pain, but I think it is worse for you. Knowing how awful I have been feeling, I can't imagine what you are going through. No, my husband isn't having any other relationship, and he may not even look for one. He is just very happy to be free from me! One friend told me something that has helped, and maybe you have heard this before. She said that YOU make a choice: You can choose to be miserable or you can choose to make the best out of the situation. I started looking for all the positives I could find, and there were some! (Like being in charge of my money without worrying about what he might be spending it on.) Even if you can't think of anything positive, tell yourself out loud that you ARE strong, that you CAN do it, and things like that. It helps, even if in your heart you don't really believe it. It's like teaching- if you tell children often enough that they are stupid, they will fail. If you tell them that they are smart and can succeed, they probably will. Think about the things that you are telling yourself. I have been talking to some women at the school where I teach who had some similar experiences, and they have a very positive outlook now. I am waiting for the day that I can look at my future happily, and I think you will have that day come, too.
tallteacher

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