Does it get easier?

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-22-2007
Does it get easier?
4
Wed, 08-22-2007 - 9:10pm
Hi - I've just visited this board today for the first time - and I was wondering if anyone had any words of wisdom for me. Last August my husband told me he wasn't happy, he only came home to see our 3 year old son and I was a month away from giving birth to our daughter. We tried counseling, he wasn't interested in trying. He had developed a close friendship with another woman and he felt she was his best friend - I wasn't the soul mate he thought I was. Now, I'm a single parent. He moved out in April - our son is 4 and our little girl is 10 months old. I have a good job and think I can stay in our house - he works ridiculous hours and hardly sees the kids. He's a dad when it's convenient - I am Mommy ALL the time, and I'm tired, and I'm lonely - I have friends, but I'm LONELY. It's been a year since my marriage of 10 years began to unravel - and some days I feel fine, like I can do it - then, he has the kids overnight and it becomes so real and I'm here alone, again. I'm torn between wanting to encourage him to take the kids more often so that he can build a relationship with them and I can have a break - and feeling guilty that I'm not taking care of them. I sometimes don't even recognize myself - I want to move on - but I don't think I know how. How do people do it? Work, take care of kids and a home, have a life of their own? I'm so scared I can't do it. Am I the only one?
iVillage Member
Registered: 08-23-2007
Thu, 08-23-2007 - 10:47am
I would like to know if it get easier too. My husband came home after a business trip in February and told me he was no longer happy. He moved out and left me with a daughter, age 11 and a son, age 8. I immediately got my children and myself in to therapy. This was the best thing I could have done, because it allowed all of us to understand that we were not to blame. My husband had no intention of seeking counseling or working on our/his issues. After 15 years of marriage, he was done. Although he will not admit to it, I do believe that there is another woman . He filed for divorce in May and wants to get this part of his life behind him as soon as possible. He too is very selfish about his time and personal freedom. He feels that he is entitled to golf outings and dinners with friends. It does bother me that he is a dad when it is convenient and I am a mom 24/7. I am the one that the kids vent to, the one they cry to at night and the one that has to try and find the answers as to why this has happened to us. I have great friends and they have been wonderful, but none of them are divorced. The hardest thing for the kids and I is to see happy families and know that we don't have that anymore. The kids and I live each day and try not to think to far in the future. We try to laugh everday. I know I have to be strong for the kids. I want them to know that their needs are more important than the needs of the adults in their lives. I just wish someone would have taught this to my husband.
iVillage Member
Registered: 06-08-2007
Thu, 08-23-2007 - 6:27pm
I can completely relate. I found in March that my husband of ten years began an affair in January. He is now out of the house and pursuing a future with this woman, while I am left to care for our daughter, our dogs, and the house with the bills that I can't afford. I question everyday how he could have done this to me, to our family, but I have resolved myself to the fact that I will never truly have the answers to why this happened. My daughter and I are both in therapy and I will say that this is the best thing for us. I too am lonely - I miss having a companion, and I hate sleeping alone. It's getting easier, I can only say that time does help. When it's a really bad day my daughter and I fall asleep together and I realize that I got the best that my husband will ever offer in this world. I am a truly lucky woman because of her. I have no words of advice, because I am still feeling pain and loneliness everyday. I just know that each day I wake up is another day closer to healing and that's really all I can hope for.
I have found that the messages on this board do a world of good because it amazes me how many strong women there are out there who have gone through the same pain and somehow managed to smile at the other end. You will too someday!
iVillage Member
Registered: 08-22-2007
Fri, 08-24-2007 - 8:55am
Thank you everyone for your posts. My husband and I tried therapy - he wasn't interested. My 4 year old is not in therapy right now, but seems to be doing well - his dad was not home often because of work, so his not being here hasn't been too much of a change. How sad that is. He has questions sometimes - always to me to find the answer, when I don't really know the answer myself. The baby will just grow up knowing this - never remembering her daddy living with us. It is hard to accept that there are not going to be answers to all of the things I want to know. What is wrong with these men - I just don't understand how someone who promises to love you, be committed - can just walk away? At least there is a bit of comfort knowing that I'm not alone.
iVillage Member
Registered: 08-23-2007
Fri, 08-24-2007 - 12:00pm

Thank you for the great thoughts. I too am grateful for the 2 children that came as a result of my marriage. My daughter is having an especially difficult time. She feels like no one understands what she is is going thru. None of her friends' parents are divorced. She feels so out of place and different. 11 is such a difficult age.

It bewilders me that my husband makes no effort to understand what she and my son are going thru. When the children are with him, usually 3 times per week for about 2- 3 hours per visit he refuses to open up with them, let them talk about their feelings,.. He does not speak with their therapist to see what is happening emotionally with them. He just wants to move on with his life. He is the product of a divorce and an emotionally dependent mother who expected him to do everything for her. She passed away in 2003 after a long illness and I think that is when he started his "exit" from our family.

Just like you I wake up everyday knowing that I am a bit closer to an outcome that will be much better formy children and myself. It is difficult not to be frightened of the bills and mortgage that he no longer feels responsible for. Reading the stories of so many other women who are in the same situation help.

Again, thank you for your response and I will keep you and your daughter in my thoughts. Do you know the song, In My Daughter's Eyes, by Martina McBride? I listen to it when I need a bit of strength and reassurance that I am doing the best I can for my son and daughter.

Good Luck!