Does it matter who files first?

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-13-2005
Does it matter who files first?
7
Tue, 07-04-2006 - 12:39am

Since I am on the verge of filing (either him or me) I am hoping someone can answer this question.

He is having an affair right now, and doesn't know I know. It is his third one and I have finally tried hard enough to keep this marriage afloat. He tells me he wants a divorce but cites that he wishes to be alone etc (not knowing I know he is leaving me for another woman). We have one toddler son. I know he wants to divorce badly because he has already told his mistress that he is in the process. I just want out, I don't have anyone waiting for me but my beautiful son who deserves any family life that is better than this.

I am wondering if it matters who files first with regards to alimony and child support and custody. I'd appreciate any links to places that might help also, I live in California.

TIA,
Robin

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Tue, 07-04-2006 - 9:25am

Hi Robin!

Pianoguy doesn't have the slightest clue about the 'divorce rules' in California. .

However...it's usually the person who is seeking the divorce who does the filing.

You might want to consult with an attorney or a legal advisor? I seem to recall that California has some sort of 'joint property custody law?' And I'm sure the LAST THING you want to do is give away assets that will eventually be squandered by your (almost) EX?

Best wishes, warm thoughts and good luck!

Pianoguy

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-23-2006
Tue, 07-04-2006 - 12:05pm
You need to check with an attorney in your state as state law varies. I am in Missouri and whoever files gets custody of the children until the divorce is settled and the order is signed. I didn't want the divorce, but in the end when I found out he had decided to file, I beat him to it because of the above (even though he didn't want custody I didn't want to take a chance) plus my attorney told me he believes the one who files gets the advantage because they get to open in court plus get the last closing. That only matters if you have a fight over custody, child support or assets. I ended up having neither but was still glad I covered myself as best I could.
Avatar for sams_i_is
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-22-2003
Tue, 07-04-2006 - 4:17pm

aha_terri, I have a question for you I also live in Missouri. Can I send you and email?

Sams

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-23-2006
Tue, 07-04-2006 - 6:59pm
Sure... here is my email.... traceylynne3@hotmail.com
iVillage Member
Registered: 06-26-2006
Tue, 07-04-2006 - 7:26pm

I'm not sure of the law in your state. I didn't want the divorce and still don't. Like your husband he told me he needed to be alone. Yeah right! He wanted to have another affair with a mutual friend without guilt. He said he wanted the divorce but never filed. After I found out and comfirm the affair I couldn't wait for him to file anymore. I went ahead and did it myself. I'll be darn if he's going to live with that skank gr for his using my truck and other belongings that he is keeping hostage from me. He was served 2 weeks ago. He pretended to be happy and thanked me for saving him from having to pay the filing fee. I told him it is a small price to pay to regain my happiness and be done with him forever.

Good luck to you. Please check with your attorney and see what your options are. If your husband is like my STBX, who never wants to divorce despite saying so, so that he can continue to using some of my belonging I would go ahead and file.

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-02-2006
Fri, 07-07-2006 - 10:52am
If you're both wanting a divorce, then you might consider a legal separation, leading to a dissolution. I had all my assets listed and all my thoughts concerning separation written down, and then I talked to a good attorney. We ironed out all the details (custody, splitting material goods, support, etc.). DH agreed and signed the separation agreement. It is legally binding and will be upheld in court, so make sure it's exactly how you want it! You can even ask that he splits the filing fee and pay half the attorney fees (if you both agree to use one lawyer). After filing, it takes 30-90 days for the judge to hear the case. Remember to add EVERYTHING in the agreement. Such as: splitting medical costs and car insurance (think toward the future), joint custody with a primary residence (this doesn't leave it open to interpretations of "visitation" which isn't the same), who decides medical/school issues, etc.) Just be wise and think ahead! You can't change the agreement once it's been signed. Good Luck!
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-13-2005
Thu, 07-13-2006 - 3:02am

WOW thank you so much, your response gave me stuff to think about that I had not thought of or even knew about. Hopefully I will be more than one step ahead of my STBX.

Tonight I told him I knew about his affair and kicked him out once and for all. I'm hoping that doesn't affect anything with the divorce but it was either that or I go to jail for assault or murder :)

Robin