Does this remind you of your ex/stbx?
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| Wed, 03-14-2007 - 2:21pm |
I saw this on another message board. This is about obsessive exs/stbxs. ALOT of it reminds me of my EX. He doesn't behave this way any longer, but he did for quite a long time. And I feel a lot of these attitudes still hold true for him:
How Obsessive Ex Syndrome prevents a Normal Break-Up
During a normal break-up, an ex-partner may ask for several more discussions or meetings, to try to regain their loved one. A balanced person will eventually realize that the relationship is indeed over, and cease trying to repair the relationship.
An obsessive ex does not see a break-up the same way.
1. The Obsessive Ex may not even believe a break-up is in progress.
The Obsessor may think this is simply a more serious argument than usual, and decide they're supposed to keep contacting the partner until the argument is over and the partner takes them back. Even when at the point of stalking, Obsessors often still view themselves as a current partner who is simply waiting for an argument to be over.
2. The Obsessive Ex viewed their partner primarily as an object to support their own self-image, not as a human being.
The Obsessor's approach to the relationship has been what they themselves get out of it -- whether THEY are satisfied with the relationship. If the partner wants to leave, this is inconvenient for the Obsessor! They want the partner around to dominate, to make the Obsessor feel powerful. They didn't particularly care whether the partner was happy with them; they only cared that they preferred to have the partner around.
3. The Obsessor has an irrational "Sense of Entitlement".
This is the personality type that would park in a handicap spot when they're not handicapped because they believe their temporary convenience is "more important" than the needs of some other person (handicapped). They sincerely believe that their needs are more important than their partner's... more important than their childrens'... more important than anyone else's.
Once the leaving partner decides to value personal individual needs first, the Obsessor is infuriated. The partner's act of "rebellion" does not fit into their world view -- that of the Obsessor as the center.
4. The Obsessor wants to punish their ex-partner.
Obsessors can't let a connection end completely, because they may believe themselves to have been so wronged that they "need" to punish or seek revenge against the leaving partner. Even in cases where an Obsessor was wronged in some way, their desire for justice and how long they cling to these emotions (to the detriment of their own life and others lives), is completely out of proportion to what injustices may have occurred.

justiceandtruth...
Pianoguy feels that all the examples that you indicated in your original post ARE PERFECT REASONS FOR "severing ties and communications from an EX!"
I guess this is the reason why I've never subscribed to the theory that "we can still be friends" after a divorce or major break-up has taken place!"
You need to drink a lot of Listerine in order to eliminate bad breath. Subsequently, a couple needs to give each other PLENTY OF SPACE before the "bad taste of a previous relationship" can disappear!
Pianoguy
Oh my gosh do you know my stbx. He has all 4 of the charcteristics. ON one breath he is begging me back and on the next calling me every name in the book. I am so ready to get this over with and find peace.
Thanks so much for the info, I am going to print it out so I can remember I am not alone.
Shopgirlmom
Hi PG! I mostly lurk on this board, but have read many of your posts! My stbx fits many of the patterns described in the original post, but as those clearly show why i can't be married to stbx, i absolutely feel the need to maintain a relationship with stbx as we have two kids with whom we will share joint legal/physical custody, so NC is out of the question!
I appreciate what you are saying, in terms of the need for space. Since it's hard to see what's ahead for me, in terms of the 'relationship' that stbx & i will have, i don't want to get anxious over what hasn't occurred yet. I feel like we have to take it one step at a time & see what the path is.
cheers, bunny
Hi Bunny!
PG thinks the most difficult thing for separated, divorced or even non-speaking still married couples IS to keep the harmony present with their children. Mom and Dad might hate each other, but verbal (or god forbid, physical) abuse shouldn't be extended toward the children.
Kids are very, very smart...and pretty much know when Mom and Dad DON'T GET ALONG!
But rather than let the 'rugrats' take advantage of the situation (playing mom and dad against each other)...Mom and Dad need to BE RESPONSIBLE and CIVIL not only toward their children...but toward each other!
Thanks for being an ivillager...as well as for your very nice comments concerning my "past thoughts" on these boards.
Pianoguy
Karen ~ wildlucky4me
Karen ~ wildlucky4me ~
Hi again pg! I forgot that i had posted to you & didn't check back!! Stbx & I are trying to be civil to each other (we still live in the same house!), & definitely are towards the kids. I am aware of the possibility of the kids playing one parent off the other, so more so, it's important for stbx & I to maintain a decent relationship so it minimizes the chance of this occurring. (On the other hand, both kids are teens now, so we know that it kinda comes with the territory, huh!)
In any case, i know that it will be a challenging road ahead as stbx & i are not in the same place, emotionally, about this (lots of anger on the part of stbx), but i truly hope that we can both move on, or else a lot of 'energy' will be wasted in an unproductive way.
You are definitely very intuitive and give thoughtful advice on these boards. Thanks!
Hi Hbunny,
Whos Idea was it for the D? I'm just curious b/c my stbx is about to find out
well...if I dont muster up the courage to tell him tonite...he will be served with
the seperation papers tomorrow after he gets home from work. I'm kinda thinking if
he doesnt go completely bullistic that we may house share and 1 of us move to another part of the house. My H absolutely thinks we were meant to be 2gether but I have nothing left to give him..its been a very ugly few years and I'm done. My supporters on here
have told me to run dont walk...I've been walking anyway but I'm almost there! OMG, I'll be glad when this part is over with!
Thanks,
Hi There! First of all, i like your screen name -- says a lot!! To answer your question, it was my 'idea' initially, but stbx is the one who eventually decided to stop working on repairing the marriage. However, he is very angry about it all as it was not what he 'wanted.'
We have been married for 18 1/2 yrs -- together for over 22. We've had problems for a long time, starting w/communication issues. We started couples' therapy in 2002 and went for intensive therapy w/another therapist for 6 mths since july '06. My desire w/the most recent therapy was for both of us to be on the 'same page' with all this -- what i learned is that you're never really both in the same 'place' at the same time, emotionally, and otherwise. No one is leaving for someone else -- so, in this regard, our situation is a bit different than others, but no less painful. My stbx also felt that i was the 'girl of his dreams' and always imagined that we would be together forever. Obviously, for me, that has not turned out to be my dream. (stbx has had to be convinced that he can't 'make' me love him -- it just isn't there). It's been a real 'growth' process for me & I know that i am fully capable of taking care of myself!! The most important thing is that...life is too short to not be happy!
As i mentioned in my posts -- we are still living in the same house, for various reasons, but mainly to maintain stability for the kids, as long as possible. We are working through a mediator, which is going OK -- but we have lots of rather complicated issues to deal with -- so our situation is probably taking longer than most.
Do you have kids? This definitely makes the process more complicated, but we will all get through it. As others on the board will tell you, the whole legal process is a bear & requires lots of patience and reserve (as well as a good attorney).
Best of luck with everything! I hope that stbx can be rational and hears you!! Keep us informed of how you're doing! take care, bunny
This doesn't remind me of my ex exactly, but he has his own special brand of Bad Ex-Husband Syndrome. Honestly, your situation and mine probably stink equally, just differently. UGH. Don't you wish it could be easier?
Melanie