Doesn't know if he wants a divorce-Long!

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-21-2007
Doesn't know if he wants a divorce-Long!
7
Sun, 02-18-2007 - 9:07pm

My husband and I have been married for 9 years, together as a couple for 11 years, and friends for 14 years. On Jan 21st, My 30th birthday, he left me. Two days later he came back. Then on the 31st he left again. The first week following, we had some sort of contact almost every day be it a phone call, text message, email, or he came to get his things. I tried so hard not to contact him, but it seemed I couldn't go 24 hours. But, finally I made it a full 9 days with no contact. Friday evening, I just couldn't take it anymore. I needed to hear his voice, I wanted to desperately ask him why he left, why he doesn't love me anymore (as he told me the 2nd time he moved out). After 3 phone calls (2 voice mails), an email, and a text message, he finally called me back. I was so scared and nervous. We talked for over an hour (both of us crying), but the whole time I was so afraid I would make him angry and he would hang up on me. But he didn't. We had a really good conversation, and I understand some of what he is feeling now. He says he hasn't looked into divorce or anything. He says he doesn't know what he wants right now. He just wants time to clear his head, get his thoughts right, and concentrate on his life right now. He's finally started going back to school to finish his degree that is only 3 semesters away. I asked him if he would consider going to marriage counseling with me, but he said no. He doesn't think things will change. I told him I don't want him to move home again right now (I do, but I don't think that is what either of us needs), but I want to start over completely from the beginning. He doesn't think anything will change. He feels that I don't enjoy being with him, says I always seemed bored doing the things he wanted to do. When he came back the first time, the first few days were great. But then we went out for dinner, and he wouldn't talk to me (he says it's because we have nothing in common), and the rest of the weekend was stressed and awkward. He brought up the other night on the phone that I fell asleep watching a movie that he wanted to watch, and he feels that means I don't want to be with him. I was tired. I wanted to watch the movie, but I got comfortable in the recliner and fell asleep half way through. He brought this up several times during our talk. I don't get how that incident says I don't want to spend time with him.

But I can see where I took advantage of him, and didn't give anything in return. He didn't have a job last year (from Sept. 04-Aug. 05). He had unemployment for a few months, and then one job for a month, so he was always home. I had begun my new job as a middle school teacher. When I would get home from work, he would be cooking dinner, or it would already be finished, he did most of the housework, and he would make me breakfast and my lunch in the mornings. I didn't expect him to at first. He offered. He would get mad at me if I tried to do the dishes after dinner, or if I tried to clean the bathroom. So after a while, I quit trying to do anything because I got tired of arguing with him. When he started working again, he would tell me that I was going to have to help him around the house. It irritated me that he acted like I chose not to help him, when he was the one who wouldn't let me. We would spend the weekends together running errands, and cleaning house. But he would still cook dinner practically every night. I didn't expect him to, nor did I want him to. I would come home, and he would apologize if dinner wasn't ready. I tried to explain how I felt, but he would argue with me and say that i would be angry if there wasn't dinner when I got home. I would tell him not to cook, that I would when I got home, and he would do it anyway. So I gave up. I quit arguing with him about it after a couple of months.

At the beginning of Jan. I felt really distant from him. He quit speaking to me, he wouldn't look at me when I was speaking to him, he would ignore my questions, he would get mad at me for being in the kitchen at the same time as him, he wouldn't touch me (hug, kiss, anything), and shrugged me off if I tried to touch him. When we did talk, it was to fight. Then with my birthday coming, I was feeling really lonely and unloved. I kept trying to talk to him, and all it did was silence him even more. I asked him to show me how much he loved me for my birthday, and I guess he did by leaving and breaking my heart not once, but twice.

When we spoke Friday night, amongst tears and sobs, I told him that I wanted nothing more than to have his arms around me so I could nuzzle my head in the center of his chest (he's a foot taller than me). I told him that's my favorite place to be. I tried to explain how much I love him, how much I miss him, and how empty I feel without him. He said he didn't think I felt that way. He says he didn't know that. He thought the love had left me too. But he still says that there isn't any love for me anymore. He doesn't think things will change. He doesn't know what he wants yet, just time to sort it all out.

He said that I could call him or email him anytime. I told him that he could do the same too. I feel that I need to wait for him to make contact. Is that right? All other contact has been started by me first. I want to call him so bad right now, but he said he wants time, and told him I could give it to him.

I asked him about spring break in 3 weeks (we're both teachers in the same district; thank god we're not at the same school!) and he told me that he's going to Louisiana with his guy friends. I've been trying to get him to do that for years. I even looked into it during Christmas break for a trip over Spring Break! Anyway, I asked if we could talk again over the break, and maybe see each other. His response was I don't know.

How do I show him how much I love him, how much I want to change, how much I want him back when he doesn't want to see me? What do I do? I've thought about writing him a letter saying how much I care, but he seems to get upset when I write, and doesn't want to read it. I've thought about sending him a picture of our cats since he asked about them the other night, but I'm afraid that he'll get mad. I want to do something to show him I love him, but I don't know what to do. I don't know if I should just leave him be and try again in 3 weeks like I said the other night, or if I should try now.

Any suggestions? Do I just leave him be, or is it ok to send little messages that I am thinking of him, that I miss him, and love him, etc.

Help me.

Melissa

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-25-2006
Mon, 02-19-2007 - 8:07am

Hi Melissa,


I'm sorry you find yourself in this situation. Please feel free to come here as often as you like for support and encouragement. We've all been in similiar situations.


I'd encourage you to

CL-Wisdomtooth2020

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-28-2006
Mon, 02-19-2007 - 11:07am

Awe, honey ... I know, I know ... here are HUGS!!!!

Some of your post I could have written -- the getting distant; the saying there isn't any more love; the saying counseling won't work ...

Been there!

I guess the pattern is one partner starts to separate long before the other and goes through all the stages, unbeknownst to the other person. Then BAM, the news is out and those of us left have to play catch up.

I have read on this board several times that folks who are leaving feel they have told the partner how they felt and what was at stake. I have read on this board several times that those who are being left, didn't hear about those feelings and didn't know what was at stake. Odd -- same pattern -- obviously it is a matter of perception.

There is apparently a good book called "Uncoupling" that explains this process. I skimmed it, but didn't need to really know more. My stbx left our marriage a long time ago, apparently. He behavior changed within the last six months. I think, in my stbx's case, there may be some medication issues in play, but I just have to take him as I find him, *gone.*

I am so sorry for your grief and the pain. I don't much care for my stbx and I am very angry he is doing this to me and our kids, so I am not grieving for the lost marriage. I am grieving for what this will do to my children, however.

Stick around the board; lots of support. Also, look into DivorceCare, a support program for those going through divorce (it is christian-based, fyi).

Hugs,

M

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-21-2007
Mon, 02-19-2007 - 7:22pm

Thank you for your reply. I came home during my conference period,and read your post. During my morning, and all last night, I was feeling really guilty for things that I have done. I realized that I never said that I appreciated him taking care of things at home last year while he wasn't working. All I did was criticize and become lazy and take care of school work which he sometimes helped me with. I never expressed any gratitude, I took advantage. I was tempted to send him an email apologizing for not appreciating him. But then I read your post and it changed my outlook on things. I feel like he took advantage of me too, by not getting out of the house to find a job. But then he did so much for me (cooking breakfast and dinner, prepared my lunches, ironed for me, cleaned, ran errands, did the grocery shopping, laundry), and I still feel guilty. I'm stuck in the middle. I know apologizing to him right now probably won't change anything on his part; it's not like the feelings are going to instantly return. But I don't know if I should reach out and say something. I don't want to push him away, or make him angry or annoyed. I want him to know I love him, and I want to show him that, but I am confused as to how to do that. Do I tell him now? Do I wait? I want to do so many little things to show him that I do care, but I'm afraid of making things worse. I already sent him an email last night with some pictures of our cats (we've had the oldest one since our 3rd year of marriage) because he asked about them the other night. I haven't received a response yet, but he's at class tonight. He probably won't respond, and that makes me sad because I was just trying to be nice. I want to send him little love notes like we used to when we dated and were first married, but I'm afraid. I want to send him a little study package or basket to encourage him to study hard for school. I even looked up one of our favorite bands and saw that they have a concert next month near us, and I thought about buying him two tickets and letting him have both tickets just to be nice.

But I don't know how he will take it. I don't think he wants me to do those things. I feel he just wants me to leave him alone, but then he says that I can call him or email him whenever I want. So I just don't know what to do. I'm so confused. I just want to show him and tell him how much he means to me, and how much I appreciate him. I don't want to make it worse though.

I made a counseling appt. for me today for March 8th. I wish it was sooner. I'm going to try the other two places I called again tomorrow and see if I can get in touch with anyone. I wish he would go with me eventually.

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-25-2006
Tue, 02-20-2007 - 7:24am

M,


Hi. Glad you got the appointment. It does take some time to get into see someone, but it's a step in the right direction.


By all means tell your husband you love him. Nothing is a "magic bullet" and he may still reject you. Consistency is the key.

CL-Wisdomtooth2020

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-12-2003
Tue, 02-20-2007 - 11:00am

Hi!

I hope the counseling will work for you, and will help in seeing what you both really want. I hope that he will come with you, and work - not at loving you, because that cannot be forced - but at knowing what he may really want. It isn't easy.

YOu did great in considering what share of the mess is really yours, but I would like also to add that it isn't all yours... strangely, you find yourself in the shoes of many married men - who have been cared for, who help in the house, but also have sympathetic wives to take care of dinner regularly, and of the children homework, and, and... I don't think you should feel so guilty - first, some people like to take care of others. Second, in some instances, the taking care is a passive-aggressive solution to all that is really not for the better common good.

So, keep your chin up. If you still love him, that is already something. Now, tell him, not too often, then go on with your own life as much as possible while he isn't there. Go out with your friends if you can, move and make yourself rare... if he has some feelings, he'll come around. If he doesn't, at least you will not be sitting by the phone.

ALl the best.

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-21-2007
Tue, 02-20-2007 - 6:25pm

Thank you for your response. I am trying to not take all of the responsibility. When we spoke the other night, he would stop me from apoligizing and remind me that it isn't only my fault. It is still hard though. I wrote him a letter today, but it is till a work in progress. I tried to convey how I feel about him, why I love him, and why I want to spend the rest of my life with him. I made it all about being in love with him because he feels that I don't have feelings for him anymore either. I want to finish it up tomorrow and mail it to him. I'm just hoping that it doesn't make him recoil even further.

I am trying to move on. I actually am attending a book study group tonight that a friend invited me to at her church. I am still afraid though of making myself seem too busy and independent. I don't want him to think that I don't need him anymore.

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-12-2003
Wed, 02-21-2007 - 5:22am

Dear, just remember one thing: never, never make yourself a lesser person to please someone. In the end, you will just diminish yourself, and the other person may still not stay. I am reacting to your saying you are "afraid of of making myself seem too busy and independent". It is not a matter of appearances, but of what you are...

I fully understand that you love him, and that is GREAT, a great start and a great feeling. But he must love YOU, not the picture of you he has in his mind. You, with your capabilities, your indipendence, your self-affirmation. If that self-affirmation threatens him, that is HIS problem, and you must not make it yours.

Tell your man you love him, you believe in him, reassure him, please him - but do not make yourself smaller for him. If he cannot deal with all of you, he is not enough of a man to be with you - to paraphrase a popular song.