Doing "normal" things with STBX

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-17-2004
Doing "normal" things with STBX
18
Mon, 10-02-2006 - 6:07pm
Hi all.
My husband has filed for divorce (just waiting for the paperwork to be completed). He suffers from depression and this is just one more thing to try to make himself happy. OK- I've gotten accustomed to the idea but here's the weird part. He still wants to do "normal" things - things that we've always done together in the past - IE: grocery shopping, hugging, sex, being there for one another when one of us is feeling down etc! He feels that he knows he is going to miss these things once we are divorced so we should spend as much time as possible doing the things we know we will miss. I, on the other hand, feel that I need to start distancing myself NOW so that once he leaves, I won't miss him so much. Not having him coming home every day will be hard enough to deal with - never mind missing the touching and holding and other day to day things that we did when we were together. Plus, altough my DDs are OK with this divorce, I don't want them to have any false hope - I don't want myself to have any false hope!! I don't want to start thinking that maybe things can work out because we're still doing things we used to do!
His moving out is not an option financially until I can refinance the house and buy out his half of the equity - which I can't do until the lawyers say ok - at least a few months.
Also - he refuses to get any type of treatment for his depression so that's not an option either.
How have you all handled the "in between time"?
Thanks, Grace
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iVillage Member
Registered: 07-08-2004
Mon, 10-02-2006 - 9:30pm
Let me ask you one question
iVillage Member
Registered: 01-17-2004
Mon, 10-02-2006 - 10:13pm
I absolutley DON'T want this divorce but unfortunately my husband does and due to his depression he sees only 2 options to change his life (that he finds soooo miserable)
- death or divorce. He truly believes that divorce is the right thing to do. He thinks that everyone involved will be happier and healthier in the long run. He obsesses about it. He thinks that every sniffle, ache or pain is related to the stress in our marriage. If I don't agree with this divorce and he doesn't kill himself during a bout of severe depression, I will hear FOREVER the words..."well if we had gotten divorced like I wanted to..." every time something goes wrong in our life.
So I see it as having 2 options myself - a lifetime of blame or a divorce.I'm not up to a lifetime of blame.I'd rather just divorce him and move on to a more peaceful life.He will have to deal with the consequences.
So no, I don't want this divorce but he refuses to address any of his own issues with self esteem and depression. And the one thing I am very clear about is that I CAN'T CHANGE HIM - he has to want to change and he doesn't because he doesn't think there's anything wrong with him!
Grace
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iVillage Member
Registered: 07-21-2006
Mon, 10-02-2006 - 10:17pm
No, no, no. Husbands who file for divorce don't get husband perks anymore. You do need to distance yourself fast. He is now a temporary roomate. He cooks for himself, does his own laundry, sleeps alone, does not have sex with the other roomate, does not hug or touch the roomate. I too, had to co-habitate with the ex for a time. About six months. I slept on the couch. I knew I was taking the bed so I let him have it for the time. He had to learn to do for himself. I was no longer the wife/maid. They can't live like things are "normal" when nothing is normal any longer. Of course you will miss things. You will miss your life as you knew it. On the day I moved out, I allowed one last hug. I said, you are going to miss me you know. He said, damn right I will. Three years later, life is different, but wonderfully good. Now, get going.
iVillage Member
Registered: 01-17-2004
Mon, 10-02-2006 - 10:21pm
Thank you! Your response gave me the answer I knew was right but it was so great to hear that life WILL be good and OK and not always so scary!
Thanks again,
grace
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iVillage Member
Registered: 11-25-2003
Wed, 10-04-2006 - 12:28pm

Your stbx is acting like divorce is some sort of long term business.

I'd let him know, regardless of the blow to his feelings, that divorce means that the "normal" stuff is over. That's what happens when you get divorced. He's doing a crappy rotten thing.

I think you should be angry about this, and that you should express your anger to him at every moment possible while he is in the house. And that's what he has to look forward to until the divorce HE initiated is finished. Treat yourself to a megaphone to aid you in this endeavor.

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-03-2006
Wed, 10-04-2006 - 1:33pm
Miss the normal things, huh? I wished he only knew what other issues he was going to have after the divorce he wanted is final. He makes divorce sound like it's just an everyday happening. Boy, he is in for the emtional ride of his life! Sorry that he has to take you on it too. Start the distancing now. It's hard to deal the rollercoaster ride of emotions that divorce brings. Get a jump on it now. My x told me that he thought being divorce would be making life doable. Boy, he is singing a song of a different tune now.
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-07-2006
Sun, 10-08-2006 - 7:45am

K new to the board and late in to this thread but wanted to add to the discussion. ( another sleepless night so perusing the boards for courage. ) O boy, I have been where you are at Grace, but we do now live in separate households--I can not imagine how I would handle the in between time living in the same house hold. Is there no friend or family he can move in with?

Love the advice you have already received and fully agree with. For my part, my STBX still wants to be my friend and my lover--in fact he openly states he can not abide by the idea of me taking other lovers--tough! Which is the kettle called black cause he has/ does--so rumor has it. In my case I regard it more of a control issue with him--his need to continue to control me. Nope I am no fool either--you need to distance yourself. A friendship for the sake of the kids is one thing but you do not need to be his convenience. Simply put if he is not going to be there when you need him, you do not need to be there when he needs you. That’s using and taking advantage of in the worst order of. Do not allow him to do that to your self-esteem. ( and I like the megaphone idea!! :-) I am actually on no speaking terms with my STBX--no I am not mad at him--well, I am, but I am not, u know. But unless absolutely necessary for the sake of the kids or business on advice of therapist I do not speak to him . This means days--with a hope to work up to weeks without a word. I do not call him unless it is an absolute emergency and same goes for him--and even when he does call I make him leave a voice mail--( he thinks I am intentionally ignoring his calls--he’d be right but I am denying it
:-) ( I am just busy), and for my part I have taken to doing txt messages so I have records of and if we do have to meet to talk it is in a public place. Not what he wanted--this distance, but what I wanted--needed. I figured out he was a bad addiction I needed to break--so I am going cold turkey in as much as possible. Later, when I am ready--the divorce is final so there will be no turning back I plan to attempt to establish a more friendly relationship--but without perks, U know. Given your STBX behavior and wants--continued normalcy , I have no doubt that like my own STBX that he does still love you in as much as he is able too--he just possibly loves the idea and prospects of living his own life more--without obligations and commitment to yourself--what he appears to be viewing as depressing factors. He’s made his choice and decisions--he��ll have to live with it--now you get to make your own choices and decisions. And Grace you have the added stress of your STBX’s “condition--problem”--mine also has a problem. And U are right he can not--will not get help until he wants help, so it is no longer your problem. As others have already stated, distance yourself hon, otherwise--trust me--my STBX had been on his way out the door for 2 yrs now till I finally got the courage and back bone to shove him out and slam the door and change the locks for added good measure. It’s a slow torture, hon, so do not let him do that to you--use you like that. As someone advised me, it is just enabling them to continue to treat us like crap and blame us for all the "ills" in their world. Hugs

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-15-2004
Mon, 10-09-2006 - 3:57am
How much do i love AND agree with your wonderful adivce!!??!

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iVillage Member
Registered: 03-15-2004
Mon, 10-09-2006 - 3:59am
Mine told me every day how "horrible" it was to live with such a fat b*tch like me ... so, he got kicked out. (well, as most of you know, there was much much more ... as if THAT werent enough!)

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iVillage Member
Registered: 10-09-2003
Mon, 10-09-2006 - 4:07am

Hi,

I posted the same type of question on the "relationship after divorce" section of this board. I don't know how to answer your post, but I wanted to let you know that I'm going through the same type of situation. My stbx doesn't even want anyone to know that we're getting divorced. He still comes to the house (when it suits him) and acts like nothing is wrong. He'll go out to dinner and be romantic...including sex. He's even said that he'd like to go on a romantic vacation once "the dust settles". I have no idea why. Maybe he's depressed too? He really changed after an overseas deployment with the army three years ago. I thought it was post-traumatic stress syndrome, but he never got help. I'm starting a new job in a week and I need to come to closure with this relationship...the divorce will be final any day now...once the judge signs it. I sort of feel the same way as you...would it be better to just walk away now...

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