Domestic Abuse, Verbal Abuse, Child Abuse - Separation

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-12-2013
Domestic Abuse, Verbal Abuse, Child Abuse - Separation
3
Tue, 02-12-2013 - 1:48pm

We are separated physically and I am ready to legally file for separation. I live in North Carolina which requires you to legally separate for 1 year and 1 day before you can file for divorce. I have made up my mind. I cannot live like this any more and will not raise my children like this.  While the events didn't happen often they were becoming more and more frequent. Once November 2011. Then twice back to back in Summer 2012.  The last time he pulled out his gun and threatened to kill himself. He broke my DS (12) toe by throwing him into a wall that summer too. I begged him to talk to his doctor, but he would not.  I stayed and the incidents calmed down.

Then he moved us out about 4 hours from where we were living and it was the final straw for me. I lost my support system completely.  We have had 3 big moves in 7 years because he wants to run (from who knows what).  He had 5 jobs last year and while they were all very well paying, he was laid off from 2 and has hopped from the others.  He just texted me today and said he got an offer from another company and now wants to take that job.  Just last night he told me how much he loved his current position. I told him I thought it was a bad idea.

Long post longer... On December 21 I moved me and the kids back to the exact same neighborhood we were in (even on the same street). My middle schooler picked up his schedule at the middle school he was orginally at and my kindergardener fell right back into place at his school.  We couldn't be happier.  Then DH moved to a neighborhood down the street.  Fine.  He has the boys on Wednesday and Thursday and every other weekend.  It seems to be working.

He would only go see someone after I told him I wanted to be separated. Now he acts like he has been transformed into this fake loving weird person. Even my 12 year old recognizes it and thinks it's weird. My 6 year old is taking full advantage of him by getting him to buy/do stuff for him. He really wants to reconcile and I do not.  I have told him on several occassions that I want to file for legal separation.  He cries and cries. Part of his mental illness and part of being together for 21 years (17 of it marriage).  He has become extremely jealous of my relationship with my boys (which I have had to work at for 12 years).  I am very close with my 12 year old. When they go there he asks them prying questions and gets upset when they don't answer correctly.  He has agreed to mediation / collobration as opposed to litigation and has said for me to write up what I want. But then he keeps pressuring me to do things like go to dinner with him and the boys. Meet us at the mall when we go shopping.  Drop off a bottle of wine on my front porch.

How do I stop this behavior? I have read the other posts about being a broken record.  I feel like it dosen't work.  Should I go to counseling with him?  I just really don't want to.  Any advice?

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-28-1999

You have to consistenly say no when he asks you to do things together.   You have to be clear that you are filing for a legal separation (and do it) and that you want a divorce.  It might not stop the behavior but if he thinks there is any chance that you will get back with him, he'll never let up.  If the idea of going to counseling is to save the marriage, you should tell him and the counsellor that you aren't interested in saving the marriage.  I'm not sure there is any other reason for going to couseling--some people would say that it would help you be good co-parents, but since I was married to someone w/ a MI, from my experience, when we tried counseling together, it was always all about him.  I would think the only good reason for you to go is so you could tell the counselor that you have no interest in getting back together so that later maybe the counselor could get him to deal with that reality.  I would say that someone who is suicidal and abusive to children is probably not someone you want to give another chance to--plus he needs to work on his mental problems by himself.

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-25-2003

" he pulled out his gun and threatened to kill himself" - this is a threat against you and your children.

You are not going to stop anything he does.  You can stop yourself.

This guy should be having supervised visits with the children - he has demonstrated suicidal behaviour and done so with a weapon.  I am a gun owner and a gun fan, but in this case, you need to be aware of exactly where every gun this guy owns is located, and the state of the weapons (unloaded, firing pins removed).

Despite what he is saying or showing, he is years away from a balanced mental state.

You need to focus on safety, consistency and normalcy with you and the kids.  If this guy wants to move away for a new job, it's his choice to go, but not with the kids or you.

Good luck.

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-29-2014

I am feeling desperate right now. My husband has finally recovered from drinking and now he is gaming all the time. Tonight when I tried to talk to him about it he grabbed me and threw me across the room. Of course it will be all my fault in the morning. I just don't know how to go thru the hitting, horrible words and all of this again. I feel like my life is worthless at this point. He blames me for everything and says if I would just shut up he wouldn't put his hands on me.

musiclover12 wrote:
<p>You have to consistenly say no when he asks you to do things together.   You have to be clear that you are filing for a legal separation (and do it) and that you want a divorce.  It might not stop the behavior but if he thinks there is any chance that you will get back with him, he'll never let up.  If the idea of going to counseling is to save the marriage, you should tell him and the counsellor that you aren't interested in saving the marriage.  I'm not sure there is any other reason for going to couseling--some people would say that it would help you be good co-parents, but since I was married to someone w/ a MI, from my experience, when we tried counseling together, it was always all about him.  I would think the only good reason for you to go is so you could tell the counselor that you have no interest in getting back together so that later maybe the counselor could get him to deal with that reality.  I would say that someone who is suicidal and abusive to children is probably not someone you want to give another chance to--plus he needs to work on his mental problems by himself.</p>

I need help. My husband has finally stopped drinking and beating me. Now he has started gaming and on facebook and tonight dragged me across the floor leaving bruises on me. I don't know what to do. It is always easy to say just leave but any advice how to do that or stay and be safe. At this point I am feeling so depressed I don't even want to be here to deal with this anymore!