Done out of spite or out of "nice" ?

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-06-2005
Done out of spite or out of "nice" ?
41
Tue, 05-24-2005 - 8:06am

In one of my previous posts I told you guys about my ex and my mom and aunt meeting for dinner so my mom and aunt could see the kids. ( the reason behind mom going over my head is still unknown )


I guess I am having a hard time seeing my ex accepting my mother's invitation as being anything other than something done out of spite. I found out that ex's girlfriend was there as well. This is the woman he left me for.


I personally, see it as being somewhat of a way to get back at me or a way to use it against me in the future ( by OW )


A little history. When X left he stopped talking to everyone in his family including his mother and father. ( who are divorced ) I kept in touch for about 6 months or so basically out of guilt for the children. His mother moved into my neighborhood and continued to stop over to see the kids. His father lives out of town and offered for me to come visit, but I never did. Mostly because I felt uncomfortable, seeing as his father's house is where we had our honeymoon a couple of months before H left. His mom visiting got to be too much for me emotionally and I decided that it wasn't my responsibility to keep his family in touch with the children. Sort of my way of pushing him to be with his family instead of being an outsider. It worked, a few months later he visited with his father and his mother now lives in the apartment behind them. I still never went behind his back to insure his family saw the kids.


OW and I have a sorted past, so to speak. We were friends for a couple of months while she was seeing my then husband. I even had her over for Christmas dinner the first Christmas we had without H. We were one big happy family....lol... anyway, she has Borderline personality disorder ( or so she told me) and if any of you know the characteristics of that, you will know it's a "I hate you, please don't leave me" kind of thing.... Well that got to be too much for me and I had had enough of her outbursts towards me and regarding the children.... we stopped being friends. The problem, I still get backlash from her about how much better she is than me. It is out of nowhere and mostly because something is going on in her life that makes her unhappy or stressed. I am the easiest person to pick on I guess.... Anyway, I know that in the future she will use her meeting with my mother and aunt against me. She has to prove that she is better than me. ( although I know it isn't, she still tries ) I am totally scared of what she will say about my family, now that she has met them face to face.


Given my past with her I believe her immaturity and her need to feel better than me made her "force" my XH to do this dinner meeting thing. My ex hasn't spoken to my mother but once in almost 2

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iVillage Member
Registered: 02-19-2004
Tue, 05-24-2005 - 10:00am
In what way could she use it against you? She can't do anything to your relationship with your SO, she can't keep your children from you, she can't really do anything to you. The only power she has is to hurt your feelings, and she only has that power if you let her.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 03-06-2005
Tue, 05-24-2005 - 10:16am

Very good point.....


I just finished working out and showering, I was thinking while I was in the shower that very same thing.


Honestly because of all of this my family is in a total uproar, I spent the evening emailing back and forth with my aunt, not necessarily about the dinner meeting but it sort of bundled into this huge thing with my mom and my aunt and my other aunt and XH and it's just way out of hand. I spent the evening totally upset by my families total disregard for my feelings in all of this not realizing that I was feeling bad because I let it get to me. Today is different......


Very good point first!

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-19-2003

When I meet someone.... I base my opinion about them by what I see and hear for myself.


Karen ~ wildlucky4me ~

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-25-2005
OW: While you have very good points about why you did the things you did you still dont seem to get the point that Angelena is trying to get across. You both know the situation that is going on with her family, Yes? XH should have let her know about the visit. XH should have called when you guys got back and filled her in. It would have been more resposible of you two.
Also it is a great idea for babies to take swimming lessons. Yes she probably would not like it but she would have gotten over it after she thought about how fun it will be for her DD. Then jealous that she wasnt the one experiencing it with her. But from what she has explained it was only that you guys didnt ask first. BUT she should have been informed at least the day of. What if something bad had happened? If it was an indoor facility what if she had a reaction to the chemicals in the pool? It would have shown great responsibility from your end instead whatever way she found out. All in all it's always better to find out from the adults instead of the kids.
The way it went about sounds like it was done to spite her. It sounds like there is alot of healing that needs to be done and growing up on both ends.
Just putting in my 2 cents....
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-06-2005

Exctly my point. Thank you for voicing it.


I don't want my daughter in water.... that has nothing to do with OW or XH. Your right, what if something bad happened. XH just now has her insurance card let alone knowing her pediatricians name and address. In fact, the last time I called him he didn't even know my phone number I had to give it to him again so he

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-06-2005

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-19-2004

I didn't read the deleted post, but we all know she knows of this site, and by posting about her that she could very well see it, right? Is there a way to get you the support you need without taunting her into posting to you? If you post about her, she's going to want to respond, right? I would too if I where her.

I again want to strenuously disagree with the swimming thing. What if something horrible did happen, and the baby had a reaction to the pool chemicals or something like that? We'll she'd have a parent figure there and a swimming instructor and a bunch of other parents and they would get her immediate treatment. You might not know about it instantly, but that fact alone does not cause your dd to be in more harm. Anything can happen and you will not always be there, no matter how much you want to be. She could fall off the swings at the park and hit her head, she could choke on some food or a toy, she could get bitten by a spider and have a bad reaction, she could fall down the stairs, lots of things CAN happen. We CANNOT say that a NCP has to keep the children inside on the first floor at all times JUST IN CASE. My heart goes out to you with your concerns about the OW and all the emotions that go along with having an OW involved in your children's lives, and on top of that the fear of your children and water for whatever incident that happened, all of this has to be so incredibly hard and totally unfair to you, I know. But legally I do not believe you can restrict your children's activities (be it swimming or other types of fun outings) when they are with your XH and the OW and I don't think you should try, because you will be causing a huge fight and I believe that in the end you will lose.

I hope I am not coming off too hard on you. I know you have a lot of emotions tied into this and I really want to just express my opinion in the hopes that it will help (even though I know it's not want you want to hear).




Edited 5/24/2005 2:28 pm ET ET by firstamendment

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iVillage Member
Registered: 03-06-2005

nope, not at all. I posted because I wanted the opinions from others that have been in the same situations.


The truth of the matter is I haven't even mentioned the swimming thing to XH yet, I wanted to think about it a few days and get opinions from you guys before I said a word. I do think that the time with my daughter is a gift ( for OW ) and I do think that it is great that she took the initiative, the only thing is that given the past and given the purpose to NOT tell me, makes me think there is more to it a spite sort of thing. That in combination with my fear makes it hard to deal with. It's not really about OW.... atleast not this part. I would feel the same way if my SO was taking her to swimming lessons or my cousin was taking her

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-25-2005
You are right we cant control what goes on at all times to our children. But when our child is going to be in an environment that there are possibilities we can request the right to know ahead of time. Out of respect it should have been information that was shared ahead of time.
One day these two will be able to cope with the situation they are in. This would have been a respectful step on OW's part. Then from there she could have shared a wonderful story on how much the DD enjoyed it....maybe even pictures!
Example: Kinda Like the movie "Step Mom" with Julia Roberts...(no Angeleana isnt dying that we know of so not that part of the movie) where Julia Roberts steps on Susan Sarandon characters toes and does things with the kids without taking it into consideration that she might be doing something she should be discussing with bio mom first.
I hope OW learned from this and keeps the wishes of the bio mom at hand when she decides to do something along those lines again. It would be better for the two of them. But also Bio mom has to keep her jealousy and fears away....
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-19-2004

>>>...and I do think that it is great that she took the initiative, the only thing is that given the past and given the purpose to NOT tell me, makes me think there is more to it a spite sort of thing.<<<

So back to the original question, so what if she does it out of spite? If she wants to teach your dd something new and spend quality time with her great, if she thinks doing so will hurt you, then just don't let it hurt you. You could just assume that she did not do it out of spite and let it go. But if she *is* withholding the information out of spite, just to hurt you, then by reacting to her you are giving her exactly what she wants. Letting it go is the right answer either way IMHO.

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