Done out of spite or out of "nice" ?

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-06-2005
Done out of spite or out of "nice" ?
41
Tue, 05-24-2005 - 8:06am

In one of my previous posts I told you guys about my ex and my mom and aunt meeting for dinner so my mom and aunt could see the kids. ( the reason behind mom going over my head is still unknown )


I guess I am having a hard time seeing my ex accepting my mother's invitation as being anything other than something done out of spite. I found out that ex's girlfriend was there as well. This is the woman he left me for.


I personally, see it as being somewhat of a way to get back at me or a way to use it against me in the future ( by OW )


A little history. When X left he stopped talking to everyone in his family including his mother and father. ( who are divorced ) I kept in touch for about 6 months or so basically out of guilt for the children. His mother moved into my neighborhood and continued to stop over to see the kids. His father lives out of town and offered for me to come visit, but I never did. Mostly because I felt uncomfortable, seeing as his father's house is where we had our honeymoon a couple of months before H left. His mom visiting got to be too much for me emotionally and I decided that it wasn't my responsibility to keep his family in touch with the children. Sort of my way of pushing him to be with his family instead of being an outsider. It worked, a few months later he visited with his father and his mother now lives in the apartment behind them. I still never went behind his back to insure his family saw the kids.


OW and I have a sorted past, so to speak. We were friends for a couple of months while she was seeing my then husband. I even had her over for Christmas dinner the first Christmas we had without H. We were one big happy family....lol... anyway, she has Borderline personality disorder ( or so she told me) and if any of you know the characteristics of that, you will know it's a "I hate you, please don't leave me" kind of thing.... Well that got to be too much for me and I had had enough of her outbursts towards me and regarding the children.... we stopped being friends. The problem, I still get backlash from her about how much better she is than me. It is out of nowhere and mostly because something is going on in her life that makes her unhappy or stressed. I am the easiest person to pick on I guess.... Anyway, I know that in the future she will use her meeting with my mother and aunt against me. She has to prove that she is better than me. ( although I know it isn't, she still tries ) I am totally scared of what she will say about my family, now that she has met them face to face.


Given my past with her I believe her immaturity and her need to feel better than me made her "force" my XH to do this dinner meeting thing. My ex hasn't spoken to my mother but once in almost 2

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-19-2004

I agree it is *better* if the OW or XH keep her informed. Good communication always makes things easier. It would be great of the OW realized her mistake and let her know that she did not mean to keep her uninformed.

But if they refuse to do have good communication with her, then she has a choice to either make it a big deal or not. Making it a big deal just feeds into the reasons that they aren't communicating with her, if in fact they are trying to hurt her by doing that. Letting it go is a better option since you can't 'force' someone else to communicate well with you.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 03-06-2005

yup... and again, I agree.


I think that again I should reitorate that I have not spoken to XH or OW about this. I came here to get advice on how I should react if at all... I chose not to react. ONLY because OW read these posts did she know that I even knew about it.


Communication is key. We don't have to be best friends, just parents. IMHO.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-06-2005

I loved that movie...lol!


I think that its pretty important to keep all communication lines open. I am still struggling with whether I am thinking it is jealousy or if its my fear of the combination of water and childern without me present. I honestly did not think of jealousy at the time, my first instinct was OMG, 17 months old in the water, my daughter weighs 27 pounds and OW weighs 99 pounds, what IF something happened???? ( insert the panic mother instinct here and all the scenarios that go along with it )


Anyway, Thanks to everyone for the opinions. I understand all points.

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-23-2005

It sounds to me like it's a respect thing. Anytime it involves the kids, there should be respect from the adult proposing the idea. This could have been handeled in a much better manner than it was. OW could have done the mature thing and come forward with XH and proposed this so it was something everyone could have felt comfortable with.

Angie could have expressed her concerns and then it could have been negotiated in an adult manner. This way it would have avoided the "stabb in the back" feeling. I know I've heard from my girls different time that their dad was going to get their ears pierced. I have a set rule of when that could happen and even used it when my now 18yo sd wanted hers pierced. My ex was in agreement then and knows he should not change that out of spite.

I think he knows I would flip if he did this behind my back. Angie ,you said you have sole physical custody right? I would think it says somewhere in your order what decisions should be made jointly. I'm not sure what the OW is looking for ,but don't they realize it's in their best interests to help keep the peace? I have the problem of living next to the highway and ex lives about 2 miles away so everytime he drives by he tries to look in my windows. I have to make sure my kitchen curtains are closed at night so he can't look in. One time I happened to be up late at night and he knew about it. His girlfriend told him my lights were on.(She works mid shift so she went past about 2:30 AM) Not sure what benifit that had to her but all it does is get him to think about me.

I hope that in the future your ex and OW can come to you before making decisions like that. I do have to dissagree with first a little. If it all goes ignored then who knows what the next sign-up could be for. I don't see a problem of putting the foot down a little. Of course all done in a respectful and adult manner.

K:)

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-19-2004

I agree it is all about respect, all I'm saying is you can't force respect. Sometimes you have to show respect in order to get it, sometimes you will never get it. I also agree with setting boundaries, but I don't think this is about setting boundaries. You have to set boundaries where you have control over them. She can't control what he does on his parenting time, so setting boundaries on his behavior during that time is pointless. You can't have a court order that says "must consult CP before swimming, allowing to the child to climb more than 4 feet off the ground at a playground, entering a water park or an amusement park, or any other activity that occurs outside the home and could potentially could lead to an accidental injury of any kind."

If he was open to communicating and wanted to work with her as a parenting team, that it would be 100% appropriate to bring this to his attention and it would likely have positive results. If someone is doing something intentially to get a reaction out of you, and you react, then you are just helping to continue the cycle. If someone wants to get a reaction out of you and they are violating a court order to do it, then you have the opportunity to go into court and file a contempt charge. I don't think she has the ability to enforce her wishes (getting them to communicate or keeping them from swimming) and that is why I think she should just let this one go. Hopefully that clarifies my point.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 04-25-2005
OK so lets say she lets this one go? When (IYHO) is she not to let it go?
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-06-2005
That's true too.. when is enough enough? I mean what's next and when is it ok to say no way? Good point!

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-19-2004

Do you want a list? That would be hard to come up with since there are countless situations that could come up. If they were signing dd up for classes that did not occur on their parenting time, she could put her foot down about that. If they were taking dd to a doctor for medical treatment of some kind, she would absolutely be able to say no to that since she has full legal custody as well as sole physical custody. If they were chronically returning dd late or if they were talking badly about her in front of the children, no way that should be allowed to continue. If they were always asking her to be flexible with parenting time and never returning the favor, I would say don't allow that. Maybe it will help if I give you examples from my life?

One day dd's school called me to say dd just wasn't seeming like herself and I might want to get her in to see the doctor. She wasn't sick, she didn't have to be picked up, they didn't have to call. They just had a concern and wanted to let me know. It was my ex's week with dd and he was furious that they called me. He wanted a new rule that the school could only call the parent that had dd that week, which meant that if she was with him, and the school principal for whatever reason had a concern, however minor, and she (for whatever reason) felt more comfortable talking to me than talking to him, she would be faced with a decision to call the parent she felt less comfortable with, or not call at all. I didn't want her facing that kind of choice, I wanted her to call if she wanted to call, whoever she felt like calling. My ex didn't want to feel like less than a full parent, but saying the school could not call me 1/2 the time would make me feel like a part-time mom. I said no way, I would not stand for that, the school can call whichever parent they want and it's up to us to communicate with each other.

I see sometimes my ex puts candy bars in my dd's lunch. Candy bars! She's 4! His thinking astounds me sometimes. I can also see that the teachers don't give them to her, that is why they are still in her lunch when I pick her up. I could demand that he not give her candy bars in her lunch, sure. Would he take that too well? Probably not, maybe. But he could just as easily give her candy bars after school or after dinner for lunch on the weekends and I would never have a way of knowing. He also bribes her with cookies to take a bath if she doesn't want to, he also lets her wear her swimsuit in the bath tub, he also lets her fall asleep watching video's. He and I agreed to start giving dd an allowance, he gives it to her on his weeks, I give it on my weeks. He did it one time and since has not given her the allowance on his weeks. It came up in conversation once and he said he 'forgot' but then he 'forgot' again the next week. I could make a big deal out of any of this if I wanted, and it might have some effect. It would also make my ex less likely to communicate with me, because he'd always be waiting for me to judge his parenting decisions, or it might feed into his passive-aggressive tendencies. So I let it all go. I do feed dd well when she's with me, I do teach her the importance of eating well and what makes up a balanced meal (trying to get her to eat a balanced meal is harder, but I try). I do have a structured bedtime for her at my house. I do explain that she has to ask for her allowance from her dad or else she will just have to do with the amount I give her. I do control what I have control over.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 04-25-2005
I see your point...good to know.
So it looks like the ball is in your court Angelena.......are they married or engaged? Does that matter in a situation like this?
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-06-2005

No I don't think it matters in this situation,