Done out of spite or out of "nice" ?

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-06-2005
Done out of spite or out of "nice" ?
41
Tue, 05-24-2005 - 8:06am

In one of my previous posts I told you guys about my ex and my mom and aunt meeting for dinner so my mom and aunt could see the kids. ( the reason behind mom going over my head is still unknown )


I guess I am having a hard time seeing my ex accepting my mother's invitation as being anything other than something done out of spite. I found out that ex's girlfriend was there as well. This is the woman he left me for.


I personally, see it as being somewhat of a way to get back at me or a way to use it against me in the future ( by OW )


A little history. When X left he stopped talking to everyone in his family including his mother and father. ( who are divorced ) I kept in touch for about 6 months or so basically out of guilt for the children. His mother moved into my neighborhood and continued to stop over to see the kids. His father lives out of town and offered for me to come visit, but I never did. Mostly because I felt uncomfortable, seeing as his father's house is where we had our honeymoon a couple of months before H left. His mom visiting got to be too much for me emotionally and I decided that it wasn't my responsibility to keep his family in touch with the children. Sort of my way of pushing him to be with his family instead of being an outsider. It worked, a few months later he visited with his father and his mother now lives in the apartment behind them. I still never went behind his back to insure his family saw the kids.


OW and I have a sorted past, so to speak. We were friends for a couple of months while she was seeing my then husband. I even had her over for Christmas dinner the first Christmas we had without H. We were one big happy family....lol... anyway, she has Borderline personality disorder ( or so she told me) and if any of you know the characteristics of that, you will know it's a "I hate you, please don't leave me" kind of thing.... Well that got to be too much for me and I had had enough of her outbursts towards me and regarding the children.... we stopped being friends. The problem, I still get backlash from her about how much better she is than me. It is out of nowhere and mostly because something is going on in her life that makes her unhappy or stressed. I am the easiest person to pick on I guess.... Anyway, I know that in the future she will use her meeting with my mother and aunt against me. She has to prove that she is better than me. ( although I know it isn't, she still tries ) I am totally scared of what she will say about my family, now that she has met them face to face.


Given my past with her I believe her immaturity and her need to feel better than me made her "force" my XH to do this dinner meeting thing. My ex hasn't spoken to my mother but once in almost 2

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-19-2004
Legally I don't think it matters they are unmarried. The dad in this case can't see his children outside of the designated parenting times, he can't be involved in medical decisions or educational choices, but he can decide what activities to engage the children in when he has them, and he can decide if the OW can be there and participate too.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 03-06-2005

I guess I missed the part about the engaged or married thing in the other posts prior to the one you posted askign that question, do you think that matters?


iVillage Member
Registered: 03-06-2005

And I totally understand that.... 100%. It isn't a question of her being involved, she is right in her post, I should be thankful that she isn't acting like she did in the beginning with the kids and she is actually taking part in their lives. So for that, I am thankful.


BUT, I also see that when they are in his care, he is entitled to make decisions on their behalf. BUT, and I don't know this for sure because I am STILL waiting for my divorce papers, since I have sole custody I wondered if I had any say in what they do while there. That's why I posted my first post. I guess through all of this I am thinking more and more about it seeing that it isn't a big deal. That's why I don't just react anymore, I think about it first.


I guess for me, it would be a common courtesy to say hey, I am signing up Bailee for parent swimming lessons. I don't need details on who is taking her.... just say, hey I am doing this, ok? That's all.


And yes, they are unmarried.

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-19-2004
I do think it's a good question to ask here, before you make a big deal of it. It would be hard to let it go when you have a question in your mind. That is so strange that you haven't received your divorce papers STILL. I don't know that this would be covered on there. It most likely will not say he can do whatever he wants on his parenting time. It will hopefully explain legal custody and what rights that gives you, but those are usually major life decisions and not daily activities occuring on his parenting time.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 02-23-2005

I agree that this is not a big legal issue. The only thing I'm trying to say is that don't let it go without first stating that they please at the very least let you know their intentions in the future. Not to make it something that would continue or even blow up and out of hand. Just simply state the you would appreciate the same respect you give ex when it involves the kids. Even if they matter of factly tell you that they are doing it (unless it's something they shouldn't be doing) at least it wouldn't be a supprise.

Again this is a matter of respect and yes you have to give it to get it. There are subtle ways of bringing this up however the OW has discovered that you already know about the plans. This could be her opportunity to call you and let you in on it verses posting on the board. Or XH could give you a call to help clear the air.I just hope it all calms down soon for you.

Good Luck
K:)

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-06-2005

I know, it's pretty ridiculous that I don't have divorce papers yet. My lawyer keeps telling me I will have Chris ( his assistant ) call

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-19-2004
It's a very grey area. My ex and I have what I would consider an ideal co-parenting relationship. We have 50/50 custody, we talk twice every weekday to let the other parent know what is going on with dd (did she have a good morning, did she have a good day at school), she can call the other parent whenever she wants, we take turns taking dd to gymnastics (it's on tuesdays and we each have her every other tuesday), we don't discuss personal business unless it involves dd... really I'm not sure what else I could ask for. Still, we do not make a point to tell the other person about something we plan with dd if it happens exclusively on our parenting time. I don't tell him if we are going to the water park, he didn't tell me recently when he took dd on a day trip out of town (dd told me later), and it's not because we don't respect each other, it's because we really don't feel the need to report every activity to the other parent.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 03-06-2005

I admire your situation. I wish XH had that much of an interest in the children.


I think in my situation, because there is a trust issue and a responsibility issue, I would need to know what goes on. You guys talk all the time and keep each other up to date, which is the way it is "supposed" to be. That's how parents get along for the sake of the children.


Communication Communication Communication.......


Admirable, first.... very very admirable.

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-19-2004

>>>I think in my situation, because there is a trust issue and a responsibility issue, I would need to know what goes on.<<<

I totally agree that when there is a trust issue you have a greater need to know. But I don't think the law permits you to know if they are not willing to communicate the activities that occur on their parenting time, and that is why you are left the best option is to let it go. :( Unfortunately :(

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iVillage Member
Registered: 05-25-2005
Wed, 05-25-2005 - 12:17pm
Hmmm...
I found you on here awhile back, Angie. I saw your pic with your beautiful kids and BF. I have been reading your posts to help out these woman. You are definatly are truly helping these women and helping yourself heal.
I was going to say something when I found out about your situation but I figured I would just read until something motivated me.
Honestly I hoped what happened between our XH wouldn't between the two of you. I hoped that what he left me for was real and that he really was leaving me for love. I am not saying that what you both had at one point wasn't real. I was just hoping it was real enough for him to grow up and stick around when the going got tough. It is sad that he is up to his old games. Especially since there are children involved this time around. Dont let his new one convince you other wise that there wasn't any games going on between them when he left. He never leaves till he finds a new victim. I am sure he was eying up his candy before he split. Basically the flrting and the sob stories. I am sure he was crying on her shoulder about how awful it was between the 2 of you. The basics about how awful you are. Exaggerating it too!I am sure she showed him how great it would be if the two of them were toegther. I am sure she wasn't sitting there saying oh no dont leave her! She is a victom in this all too. Oh yes I was the OW, as you were to me, at one point too. No he wasnt married but it was the same game.
As for the situation with your kids and his new OW dont let her get to you. I am sure she didnt start this off as spite. But you did give her a win when you showed how it got to you. She is definatly loving it. But dont ever let her know these things. Be happy that she is doing things and getting involved. Some OW's dont have anything to do with the kids when they visit and they make it hard for the kids when they are there. No matter how evil she has been to you in the past dont let it get in the way of your kids having a healthy relationship with her. Just put yourself in her place as an OW who has no kids. Think of how much she is probably trying to show people that she can have these motherly instincts too. I know groan.... Not with my kids! But it's better than having to make your kids go over there crying. Just remember she will never be you! The bond you have is a bond she will never share. As long as your kids are coming home happy and safe then dont worry about what goes on there. Until they dont come home that way then just let things happen over there. It is your free time. It's OK to enjoy it!
The best advice I can give you is disappear out of his life like I did. I know you cant completely disappear with having kids but just dont have anything to do with them. Yes parenting is definatly something you have to keep in touch about but keep it to that. When the kids are with them they are responsible for them. Dont worry about them till (I pray that it never happens) you get a emergency call. But keep in mind that no matter where they are things like cuts and bruises will happen. That happens as much with you as them.
Just relax...like everyone said I am sure you wouldnt have said yes if they did come to you anyway. Hey you can always sign her up to do these things with you!
In time the OW and you will learn to co-exist. Doesn't mean you have to be best buds. Doesnt mean she will take over the XH's parenting just means she is a role model in your childrens lives too.
I didnt post for us to co-exist or swap stories about the XH.. I just fealt you needed to know you were a victim too. At some point it will happen again. Well it might not as long as she doesnt marry him...hahahaha!
~J