Done out of spite or out of "nice" ?
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| Tue, 05-24-2005 - 8:06am |
In one of my previous posts I told you guys about my ex and my mom and aunt meeting for dinner so my mom and aunt could see the kids. ( the reason behind mom going over my head is still unknown )
I guess I am having a hard time seeing my ex accepting my mother's invitation as being anything other than something done out of spite. I found out that ex's girlfriend was there as well. This is the woman he left me for.
I personally, see it as being somewhat of a way to get back at me or a way to use it against me in the future ( by OW )
A little history. When X left he stopped talking to everyone in his family including his mother and father. ( who are divorced ) I kept in touch for about 6 months or so basically out of guilt for the children. His mother moved into my neighborhood and continued to stop over to see the kids. His father lives out of town and offered for me to come visit, but I never did. Mostly because I felt uncomfortable, seeing as his father's house is where we had our honeymoon a couple of months before H left. His mom visiting got to be too much for me emotionally and I decided that it wasn't my responsibility to keep his family in touch with the children. Sort of my way of pushing him to be with his family instead of being an outsider. It worked, a few months later he visited with his father and his mother now lives in the apartment behind them. I still never went behind his back to insure his family saw the kids.
OW and I have a sorted past, so to speak. We were friends for a couple of months while she was seeing my then husband. I even had her over for Christmas dinner the first Christmas we had without H. We were one big happy family....lol... anyway, she has Borderline personality disorder ( or so she told me) and if any of you know the characteristics of that, you will know it's a "I hate you, please don't leave me" kind of thing.... Well that got to be too much for me and I had had enough of her outbursts towards me and regarding the children.... we stopped being friends. The problem, I still get backlash from her about how much better she is than me. It is out of nowhere and mostly because something is going on in her life that makes her unhappy or stressed. I am the easiest person to pick on I guess.... Anyway, I know that in the future she will use her meeting with my mother and aunt against me. She has to prove that she is better than me. ( although I know it isn't, she still tries ) I am totally scared of what she will say about my family, now that she has met them face to face.
Given my past with her I believe her immaturity and her need to feel better than me made her "force" my XH to do this dinner meeting thing. My ex hasn't spoken to my mother but once in almost 2


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Hi there!
Thank you so much for your post. I really appreciate everyone's help on this subject.
I wish nothing but the best for you through this. It is hard!
~J
I understand completely.
Your right, children make you grow up. We were both young and I know I was naive to the ways of the world. In 6 years I never thought for one second this would happen to me, but hearing from you shows me proof that what goes around comes around.
I have lots more to say, one of them being I'm sorry. Take care J, thanks for posting.
Hugs,
Angelena
Thank you!!!
~J
Honestly, the guilt was overwhelming at points, especially when I started to feel something was wrong. Things that start off that way, end that way too. I knew it was coming, I was just blinded by the fake person he was to me.
I do wish I would have known more at that time. My life would be different.....
BUT, I am a firm believer in everything happening for a reason. If I hadn't of met him, I would not have 2 beautiful children by him, I would not be as strong as I am now ( even though you guys see me when I need support, believe it or not I am a strong person, have been dealt a lot over the last 2 years ) I would not be pursuing my dreams right now, (school, financial stability, being the best mom)... there is just a whole list of things I can thank XH for. If he hadn't have left me, I would not be where I am now. I am thankful I am here and thankful for everyday.
I know you feel the same way J. And for that, we have a lot in common.
Although it would have been easy for you to slam me when you found me, you didn't. That means a lot to me. Thank you.
I do have so many questions though... How did you move on? How did you drop out of his life? I have children and I believe if I didn't have to deal with him, like I didn't for a few months on and off last year when he would disappear, we all would be better off.....
You don't have to answer those questions..... Truly, you inspire me.
Getting over XH 1 was hard at first. The best thing I did was disapear. I guess I ran from it. But still was heart breaking for someone to love you one day and to look at you the next with no emotion whatsoever for you. I really cant give much advice on how to get over him in peticular. I guess I turned my hurt into hate and it helped me move on. It would be a waste of hate to hate you. It wasnt your fault I believe it would have happened down the road if it didnt with you. I hate it when women try to blame it on the OW and the man sits there watching the fight...he deserves part of it too. So I put most of the hate on him...yes it was on you at first because that is the normal response when this kind if stuff goes down but then I woke up!
My second XH is like what you are going through now. She was the woman he cheated on me with but he wasnt dating her when we divorced. He thought I would stick around when I found out. She was just a one night stand in his eyes. "It meant nothing to me." She came back into the picture a year later. He had dated in between but they really didnt try to be a mother figure in their lives.I use to fight everything tooth and nail with him and OW. Then I just didnt want to live my life like that anymore. It was effecting me and my kids could feal the tension in me. When you say you live your life for your kids you really have to! Even if it means swallowing your pride. OW use to say really hateful things to me that just werent true. I realized it was just her being insecure. She would send letters and emails saying the most hateful things and then be so sweet when XH was around. But I would let her get to me and show it so I looked like the bad guy so he would side with her. One day I just decided this crap has to stop! I know I had to be the bigger person. So now I say nothing to her emails, ims and letters. I dont even open anything. This junk has been going on for 15 months now. I stopped retailiating to her after 4 months. I am re-married and she still looks at me as a threat! Its not as bad with her letters and such as it used to be but she gets in some mood and starts up but I dont bother with her. It's always when XH isnt around too. I only deal with XH when it comes to talking about the kids. His time with them is his and OW's. Yeah I cringe at that thought but she comes with the package so the kids can be with daddy. She does alot with them too.Usually she is the one picking them up for their weekends cause daddy works till 9, she usually takes them out for dinner and then home. The first time she took my son to ride ponies I was hurt too. I love horses and had been waiting to take him but he got her first ride with OW. That broke my heart. I wasnt ready to let him do it yet. But I wasnt gonna let her know it. But it showed me he was ready. It was still just as special, if not more, when I finally took my him. So like I said the best you can do is think about letting it go. Just brush it off...I know it's easier said than done but look at all the tension it has caused you. You'll sleep better and your jaw wont be as sore...at least thats how it was for me...
~J
I see what you mean.
Hate is much easier than missing or hurting. Someone loving me one day and hating me the next is also a big part of why I can't hate him. I saw it after he left too........
The children make it hard. Although I b!tch and complain here, XH and OW never see that side of me anymore. Well, they do since OW found me on these boards.... but other than that. lol. I use this site to ask questions and find out if instances like the original post were me overreacting or I should be mad. I LOVE these boards and helping other people has helped me move on, A LOT.
I wish I could just fade out of his life. I tried, SO MANY times. Then poof, he would come back in my life, telling me this or that...... being nice to me.... I would fall for it..... then we would be ok for awhile then BOOM OW would step in and be nasty, then who got the brunt of her nastiness??? XH... a viscious circle.
We have a friend in common who helped me a lot in the beginning. He told me all about the truth behind yours and XH's demise. I know that it wasn't my fault, but I didn't help the situation either. I don't blame OW, I found emails between them where XH was flirting ( WAY before he left ) and she wasn't flirting back. I know it wasn't all her. I know it was mostly him. The things I don't forgive OW for is the nastiness she cannot put aside to just let us be parents. I know what you mean about the emails and IM's. I had numerous.... even nude
"I wish OW would grow up enough to be a parent too, that would help as I feel I have all the weight on my shoulders. "
Angelena, I have told you for some time now....I would love to be counterpartners. I am here when you are ready.
We have both said and done MANY "nasty" things to eachother, many. We can choose to put that in the past. We can choose to move forward. We can choose to show these wonderful children that we are BOTH good people, that we can rise above this bs, and be great role models. I cant do it alone. It wont be easy, but I am here, ready and willing.
The first step is to email me so we dont have to keep posting dirty laundry in public...lol
PS. As far as the Bailee in the pool thing, you did the right thing, you asked others opinions before reacting hastily bringing it to XH. I interfered with that. For that I am sorry. I know you don't care about "I'm Sorrys" but we are all human, we all make mistakes, we all have set backs. You have my word that I will no longer look at this board.
Keep up the great work with the kids!
Thank you for sharing your story..... it's very uplifting and hopeful for many to see that later you can look at things that you once thought were mistakes... and know that you grew from them and wouldn't have had it any other way.
Karen ~ wildlucky4me ~
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