Don't be bitter, but remember...
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| Sat, 03-11-2006 - 7:32am |
Rambling here for a bit...*smiles...
I was reading through the posts today and sending prayers and cyber hugs to a few of you...when I came across Scarlett777's post below asking about how to 'make' yourself move on, it really made me pause and think for a minute.
I am sorry to hear the pain she is grappling with right now, and I know it sure doesn't help much when we hear, with 'time' it will get better, even though most of us agree that to be true. I sincerely hope she is able to make peace with the situation, whether she is able to get 'any answers' or not. Its so, so hard.
From a different perspective, I thought about some of the feelings I am filtering through this week as I prepare for yet another of the seemingly never-ending, and continuously-delayed hearings in my ongoing divorce and wrenching custody disagreement with my stbx. I was the one to file for our divorce. It took great effort to find my voice finally, and it was fairly pip-squeaky when the first official/legal aspects of this all began over 14 months ago...
I haven't really allowed myself to feel the 'anger' yet...I get mad over certain things and crappy legal tricks he and his family have dealt the children and I during the time its all been going on; but from the perspective of some of 'our' friends, his family of course, his lawyer(s!), and the way the case is verbalized through the courts...there is a portrayal of him as being a 'poor little super-dad and exemplary husband who woke up one morning and his wife just said she was leaving him...' It was not on a whim. It did not happen overnight, nor was it for unimportant reasons...there was pain for years...and I asked him and asked him over and over what we could do to live differently in our marriage; I tried very hard to figure out what to 'do' that would change things, keep our family together. When I finally made the decision though, I faced the open door and sadly, could not look back, even for one minute; it was just over, period. When he saw he was no longer in control of his world, he just could not accept it, still doesn't, and for the world he has a play which he has written and must apparently continue til whatever he has decided is to be the final 'act' occurs.
I do not have a family so that has been a tough part of this for me. My real friends have been so true and sweet and I am thankful for them, as well as some who the kids and I have met during this ordeal that have been amazing in their kindness and friendliness even when not knowing us well at all. I still have a small little place inside that is full of fear that somehow, even though it is unlikely he can 'win' custody, that somehow all his threats (the ones he makes sure no one else hears but me, which again is why I have as little contact as possible with him) will come to pass and he will find a way to take our children away through this custody fight. But now, much more than before I try to be calm, see what I have accomplished and done for our children and myself since the divorce first began; and remember that I do not have control over what he does to the children when they are with him, or in regards to their school or other things. I can only do what I can do. Wow, what a hard thing to own!
Whether from being in the military for so many years, or from being raised from rock solid southern grandparents or what, somehow I have a tape recording that says my version of something Yoda says from Star Wars, "Try not. Do." Trying is for the wusses, trying is not good enough, you must succeed!
As events unfold in this process I keep getting upset with my inability to accomplish what the kids need, or do what would give them more security...ie get a better job, have enough money to pay all the basic bills even though he has played legal games with the child support etc. I hate them getting my 'vibes' of nervousness about the rent coming due, and I wish so much I could save enough for a van.
LoL, the vehicle thing should not be on the radar even...I am thankful to have it running and its safe; but I can only take four of them anywhere at once as it only sits four plus the driver/five passengers total, (but I have five sweet kids!) Usually that means I take the littlest ones and my oldest just doesn't go out with us. Being a teen, he of course doesn't mind having more alone time than he 'used' to; but it is a constant topic of conversation really, with whatever we are doing, the kids discussing who gets to go, or if one will stay with the oldest so he won't be 'lonely' -- *smiles; they never have said once "Well mom, why can't you get a bigger van or something so we can all go places together?" --- but I cringe constantly as we make do with whatever the days errands are or the plans that we have. Sometimes a neighbor or friend will give a couple of the kids a ride along to wherever we are going etc.
I remind myself of those many moms or dads out there that have maybe no running vehicle at all, or not a safe one etc. So I am thankful! I use this as an example of something that made me stop and think though.
I still awake just about every day with stbx on my mind. I am certain I did the right thing by filing the divorce, and further, know and wish I could have been stronger and done it years earlier. And I remember the good times there were; but I still look back and wonder why...why he supposedly loved me so much at one time, but then I became something he just wanted to own. And when that became the most important dynamic, I could do few things right in his eyes. And there was no reasoning with him, every argument ended in his shutting it down...ending it when he said so, which went along with the rest of his controlling behavior, on top of him adding in now and again that I somehow must have 'misunderstood his comment' or 'he didn't really say it exactly like that, I was just imagining things' or 'you think you are too good to be treated a certain way?' or 'thats your job, you are my wife' or 'you don't really think you can handle that now, do you', or 'I know you try hard, but you just can't do it ...we both know it now let me do it the right way.' I could add probably another 50 repetitive phrases he used...and I know other women in our community who live with control freaks well know what I am saying. When I was "IN" it though, I could not think clearly, I just assumed he was right- heh, if I wasn't doing it 'wrong' he wouldn't be so irritable, he would be pleased with me like he used to be yada yada yada. He took away my integrity (and I enabled that to happen....) but the thing is he knew what he was doing, he still does. But I never knew he knew until after the divorce started. Until I lived apart from him for a time, until I began to see 'me' emerge again.
I don't suppose I will ever understand or know the 'reasons' for his control problems. He just has to own a part of the universe, including especially the humans in his zone. I was sad and hurt over a number of years...and no matter what I 'did' --- I could not make him 'love' me again. Now in the midst of this divorce, somehow part of the world thinks he is the hurt one...since I was the one who filed and left. And because of the children, I occasionally still second guess myself and wonder what I could have done better, more, less, differently, ...something/what could I have done that would have regained his respect, the care he shows for other people...
But I wanted to remind others who were the ones who left...while being bitter and living in the past hurt is absolutely not healthy, DO REMEMBER -- hold on to the core reasons that you were sad, hurt or unhappy and learn from it. Its needful to remember those things; it is part of the healing; a way to understand why this is a closed chapter in your life. I highly doubt anyone who files for a divorce does so rashly, without considerable thought and important reasons. But, we cannot grow strong, begin to understand our own weaknesses and wrongdoing or move on to real happiness again without knowing and believing that we did the very best we could with the information we had at the time, and that is good enough.
So as he puts on his 'production for the world', I remember to send him empathetic thoughts, and hope he comes to a place where he will want to get help; I really hope that day comes because it is something that will benefit our children. I know the healthiest thing for me is to have as much disconnection from him as is possible, aside from whatever is necessary and good for the kids. He really is like poison to me; totally toxic. That does not put all the 'blame' on my stbx; but it allows me to breathe deeply, hug my kiddo's and look at the path in front of me with a smile that comes from my heart. Peace this weekend, Annah
Edited 3/11/2006 7:36 am ET by flalass

Wow Annah.... What a heartfelt message!... and ya know... I see a much different Annah here than I've seen posting before.... I think that I see an Annah who really is learning, growing... picking up the pieces... and moving pas this in a positive direction, even if it's still not the most ideal situation.
Karen ~ wildlucky4me ~