Don't HATE me...HELP me! Please!!!

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-05-2004
Don't HATE me...HELP me! Please!!!
27
Thu, 11-16-2006 - 10:29pm

I am the most devestated I have EVER been in my entire life. I brought this ALL on myself which only makes this worse. I have NO ONE to blame...so I feel lower than I can go. I have seriously contemplated taking my own life over this situation.

I am married ( at the moment) to a man 15 years older than me. I have two children who are mine from a previous marriage. We have been married for 7 years. Together for 10.

3 years ago he began working nights. He is hard-working, a good lover, generous beyond belief. He was WONDERFUL to me. Except he did have a brief affair about 4 years ago.

Well, I am alone 6 nights a week. I NEVER saw my husband except for a few hours on Sundays. We grew apart. I met someone and started an emotional affair that turned into something more serious. My husband found out and we worked through this.

Being the sucker that I am, I was drawn back to this other man, but decided that it had to be OVER. OVER. I told him this. He said that if I left him, he would call my husband and tell him EVERYTHING. DETAILS. I begged him NOT to do this. Not just for me, but for the sake of my children.

I do love my husband. I knew that if we could just get time back together, to reconnect, we would find the love that we had lost. I wanted my FAMILY. I know that my husband was THE MAN for me. I would have done anything.

Well, the other man did call my husband. Told him everything. I am reaping what I had sowed. I own my disgrace. I owe SO MUCH to my children for this. The trust I lost with them is beyond shameful.

My husband, in no uncertain terms has told me that it is OVER. If I don't leave nicely, then he will get a lawyer and do it the hard way.

My parents won't help me because of what I have done. I work full-time but just took a lower paying job to be able to be home more with my children. NOW, I am alone. Two children who are being ripped from their home (it was his before we married). I have no extra money. The holidays are coming and I am trying SO hard to be up for them. They have not seen me break-down but they know what's going on.

My guilt is overwhelming. I know that truly I would NEVER betray any love or trust of anyone EVER again. I see what it can do. What it has done.

PLEASE don't be hard on me. I AM trying to keep myself alive. I don't know how I am going to go on without my husband. He tells me he could never trust me. We have nothing in common. He despises me. HE has given me chance after chance to "fix" this and I hadn't.

THEN, when I finally DID end it with this other man, he set out to intentionally destroy my family. I got what I deserved I suppose.

I am frantic and yet, all I want to do is sleep. Forever. I don't care what happens to me. Everyone would be better off without me. He won't even talk to me. He is getting a lawyer to talk to me. I love him. I see ALL that I have lost and now I have NOTHING.

Someone, please help me, with something. There is NO future for me. I have no one. No where to go. My own mother won't let me stay with her now. If anyone could see deep inside my heart, they would see that my intentions were sincere. I can't bear this guilt. What I did.

I had the perfect life. Now it is done, being ripped to shreds. Because of me. ALL because of me. I don't know what to do next. I am crying as I type this. I haven't cried YET!!! I've lost the man of my dreams. The one who took care of me.

I feel like an outsider now when I hear anyone talk about families and inlaws and husbands. I WANT THAT BACK. But it is gone forever. I am a changed person. I've learned but I have lost it all in doing so.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 01-29-2005
Thu, 11-16-2006 - 11:05pm

First, ((((HUGS)))

Yes, you have made a huge mistake, but you're certainly paying the price now. Do you have anyone there for you? Friends or family?

As horrible as things are right now for you, this can be a huge growing experience for you. The cost is extremely high, but you CAN come out the other side a stronger better person. This is an opportunity to look at why you did the things you did and work on your shortcomings. Maybe you will find he wasn't the perfect one for you after all.

I think you should find a counselor right away. If you can't wait for that then call suicide hotline 1.800.SUICIDE (784-2433). Please, whatever you do, do not hurt yourself. You have made mistakes, but you do not deserve to die. I know the pain of feeling like you destroyed your family can be very intense, but your children need you do get through it and be there for them.

We're here for you. Please post as much as you need to and PLEASE find help in your area.

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-25-2006
Fri, 11-17-2006 - 7:34am

Champagne,


First, please do reach for that phone and call someone if you feel like hurting yourself. No situation is worth dying for even this one!


Second, stop beating yourself up. There's two people in every marriage. In my humble, Christian opinion, your husband FAILED YOU. He failed to live up to his end of the bargain by working a job that kept him away from you his wife and his home 6.75 days a week! What was he thinking?While I'm not condoning your outside affair, I can see why it happened. It sounds as though you were treated more like a housemate than a wife. And what was his excuse for an affair four years ago? I'd trace that back to his own decision to be away from the maritial home as well.


Your husband was already living as though he were alone, but with the benefit of a warm body to sleep with every night. So, his edict to leave quietly isn't as traumatic for him. He "left" your marriage a long time ago.


You need legal advice, pronto. Call the Legal Aid Services nearest you and see if you qualify for assistance. Then, place a call to a local domestic violence shelter and see what resources are available to you for shelter, etc.


Keep us posted.


CL-Wisdomtooth2020

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-28-2004
Fri, 11-17-2006 - 10:47am

Hi Champagne -

I'm so sorry that you are feeling so lost. Please be careful laying all the blame for this on yourself - it's good to take responsibility for the decisions and mistakes that you've made, but there are other circumstances that you touched on that led to this point.

Up to now, have you looked for help from an outside counselor? Sometimes while we want to "fix" our problems on our own, the best thing we can do is seek the help of a professional.

As another member stated - if you feel like you are going to hurt yourself, please call a friend or family, or use a hotline number like the Suicide Hotline - 1-800-273-TALK.

We have a Crisis Center board (http://messageboards.ivillage.com/iv-rlcrisis) where you can read through how others have felt and reach out for support for yourself. Sometimes it's good to know that you aren't alone in feeling overwhelmed by everything.

Take care of yourself - you'll be in our thoughts until you check in with us again!

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Edited 11/17/2006 11:01 am ET by cmcorrine

iVillage

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-29-2005
Fri, 11-17-2006 - 8:32pm

If you read this, could you please post and let us know you're okay? You were very emotional and I'm worried. I really hope you're feeling better today.

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-30-2003
Fri, 11-17-2006 - 11:28pm

I'll start by echoing the sentiment of the PPs, you need to get some help ASAP. If you feel guilty about how this situation is affecting your kids now, how much worse would it be if they were left without you?

At this time, you may not see the truth in this statement, but I'll throw it out there anyway- you're catastrophizing. Yes it's awful. Yes you're ashamed and suffering. But it is NOT the end of the world. What it is, is a massive change in your life, but change IS life.

I also believe that it is few and far between where you will find a situation where someone feels the need to step outside of a fulfilling marriage. Your needs weren't being met. I don't think any of that is about blame, but it is what it is. There were problems that resulted in all this.

Life will be difficult for a while. Change always is, particularly when you don't really want it. But focus on being 1) realistic- what's done is done and all you can do is move forward and 2) be gentle with yourself. You're human, you made a mistake, find the space to forgive yourself. Practicalities can be dealt with- money comes and goes, jobs are there if you need a different one, houses are just structures etc, etc. But your peace of mind, your mental and emotional health must be strong and only you can do the work to begin the healing process. In the end it doesn't matter what other people think of you asmuch as it matter what you think of you.

I wish you peace, balance, and hope. My thoughts will be with you.

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-20-2005
Sat, 11-18-2006 - 5:51am

Hello my friend,

I too was married to a man that was a workaholic. The only difference is he had cheated. He cheated on me with a prostitute while he traveled.

First things first, you came to the right place. we are all human beings in need of love and support, obviously your husband wasn't fulfilling that need and you did what you did to survive. mistake, yes, but not wrong. i am sure you struggled with it. i am sure that you needed it to keep yourself going. With the children and an absentee husband it is difficult do stay sane.

Second, this is my second separation from my husband. When i separated from him the last time, my husband went to my parents for their support because he accused me of some things and my parents believed him. Both of my parents stopped supporting me and actually went against me. My mother even helped him to get joint custody of my children. 50/50. Crazy. YOUR PARENTS ARE SO WRONG. Think about people who kill people, their parents still support and love them. That is part of being a parent. Would you do that to your children. You need support not parenting.

Third, What state do you live in? in most states if it is no fault, it doesn't matter who did what. A divorce is a 50/50 split. Income for support and child support are tabulated. As far as custody, unless he can prove you are unfit, an affair is not going to make all that much difference. so many people have affairs that it is no big deall.

fourth, involving your children was a terrible thing. it is not their problem. I have never told my children about what their father has done. That is not for them to deal with and i am so sorry that yours are involved.

Last thought, who the he** does the man you were with think he is telling your husband. He is no better than you. He is a man and should not have gotten involved with you. You are not the only one involved there.

There is not reason for anyone to hate you!!!! you made a mistake!!!! A big one, but a mistake. you are not perfect and in a way it may be good for your children to know that mommy made a mistake too. Think about how you would behave if one of your children came to you.

I don't know what else to say. I wish i could meet you for a coffee and a muffin. i know that i could help you to see that you are a good person who just made a mistake.

Lots of love.

Maddy.

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-20-2005
Sat, 11-18-2006 - 6:01am

One me thing.

Get a lawyer ASAP. There is no way they will kick you out of the house. Even though he owned the house before you were married, you may be entitled to some of the value because you worked and contributed to the household.

This stuff happens everyday. Your children need you and your husband. Fight for your marriage if you think it can be fixed, but giving up too much of yourself for it will only make you look for support in other places again.

It sounds like your husband loved his job and his money more than you and the family. Some men, including my STBX did and still does. Divorce is a nasty thing, but like the PP (previous posts), it sounds like you didn't have a marriage, you had a partnershp of convenience. People can't live like that. it is not healthy and it is unfair.

Email me. i sent you one. i am worried.

MADDY

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-12-2003
Sat, 11-18-2006 - 2:53pm

NO dear. YOu are putting yourself through an undeserved guilt trip - you are letting your family telling you how you should feel.

So what??? you were alone, and had an affair. SO what??? your ex sounds very far from an ideal husband - at least, presence, love, support are lacking - I guess money was there at least.

Keep your head up. Nobody hear is judging anybody, least of all hating you. Personally, I believe you are the victim in this situation, or you will soon be unless you take very wise steps to protect yourself, you need a good lawyer and hopefully some good friends around.

Find help. keep your job. and don't feel bad about your children: they will see their father more in visitation than they ever did while you all lived together.

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-06-2003
Sat, 11-18-2006 - 6:28pm
My heart breaks for you.
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iVillage Member
Registered: 08-05-2004
Sun, 11-19-2006 - 2:26pm

I want to thank each one of you for your words. I'm sitting here crying as I read them because they are the ONLY words of support/understanding and advice that I have received this week. I have sat like a zombie. I work and then I sleep.

I try to be upbeat for my kids. I tell them everything is going to be okay. That the three of us are a family and we will ALWAYS be here for each other.

I was told that I am NOT welcome in my parents' home for Thanksgiving. They don't even talk to me except to criticize me.

My STBX took some of his things and left for the weekend. GOD, I miss him. I am humbled by all of this. I don't know what to do next.

I am going to try and see a counselor this week, but their hours are while I am working. It's not good to ask for time off when you start a new job!

I feel like I am going to be alone forever. I just want my family BACK!!! He just wants me out of the house and doesn't want to see my face until the divorce papers are signed.

My two kids are NOT his kids. But we have been together for so long, that he was their "dad". My son's car broke down yesterday and I tried to help him on the highway in the freezing cold. I called my STBX for ANY advice. He told me what to do and then he actually drove the 20 miles to where we were to help. THEN, he simply just held up his hand when I tried to talk to him about coming home and he just drove away.

He said he found "somehwere" to stay. I am SO heartbroken. I betrayed him and my family. He tells me I am psychotic. (I'm not.) He has insulted me and made my self-worth crumble to pieces. Because most of what he says is TRUE! I lied. I cheated. I was a rotten wife and mother. Deep in my heart, I know that I can be different than that.

My children are standing by my side. I just don't know where to lead them.

I probably WILL call that suicide prevention hotline. I just don't want anyone knocking on my door to stick me in the psyche unit. I want OUT of my body. To sleep, to not feel. I'd do anything to have my marriage back. Anything.

I wish he was the one who had done the damage. Then this wouldn't be my fault.

I thank God for ALL OF YOU. I am touched by your responses. I NEEDED someone and you were all here. If I can ever return the favor.... you put "something" back into my soul. I am grateful for the gift you have given me....hope.

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