Don't HATE me...HELP me! Please!!!

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-05-2004
Don't HATE me...HELP me! Please!!!
27
Thu, 11-16-2006 - 10:29pm

I am the most devestated I have EVER been in my entire life. I brought this ALL on myself which only makes this worse. I have NO ONE to blame...so I feel lower than I can go. I have seriously contemplated taking my own life over this situation.

I am married ( at the moment) to a man 15 years older than me. I have two children who are mine from a previous marriage. We have been married for 7 years. Together for 10.

3 years ago he began working nights. He is hard-working, a good lover, generous beyond belief. He was WONDERFUL to me. Except he did have a brief affair about 4 years ago.

Well, I am alone 6 nights a week. I NEVER saw my husband except for a few hours on Sundays. We grew apart. I met someone and started an emotional affair that turned into something more serious. My husband found out and we worked through this.

Being the sucker that I am, I was drawn back to this other man, but decided that it had to be OVER. OVER. I told him this. He said that if I left him, he would call my husband and tell him EVERYTHING. DETAILS. I begged him NOT to do this. Not just for me, but for the sake of my children.

I do love my husband. I knew that if we could just get time back together, to reconnect, we would find the love that we had lost. I wanted my FAMILY. I know that my husband was THE MAN for me. I would have done anything.

Well, the other man did call my husband. Told him everything. I am reaping what I had sowed. I own my disgrace. I owe SO MUCH to my children for this. The trust I lost with them is beyond shameful.

My husband, in no uncertain terms has told me that it is OVER. If I don't leave nicely, then he will get a lawyer and do it the hard way.

My parents won't help me because of what I have done. I work full-time but just took a lower paying job to be able to be home more with my children. NOW, I am alone. Two children who are being ripped from their home (it was his before we married). I have no extra money. The holidays are coming and I am trying SO hard to be up for them. They have not seen me break-down but they know what's going on.

My guilt is overwhelming. I know that truly I would NEVER betray any love or trust of anyone EVER again. I see what it can do. What it has done.

PLEASE don't be hard on me. I AM trying to keep myself alive. I don't know how I am going to go on without my husband. He tells me he could never trust me. We have nothing in common. He despises me. HE has given me chance after chance to "fix" this and I hadn't.

THEN, when I finally DID end it with this other man, he set out to intentionally destroy my family. I got what I deserved I suppose.

I am frantic and yet, all I want to do is sleep. Forever. I don't care what happens to me. Everyone would be better off without me. He won't even talk to me. He is getting a lawyer to talk to me. I love him. I see ALL that I have lost and now I have NOTHING.

Someone, please help me, with something. There is NO future for me. I have no one. No where to go. My own mother won't let me stay with her now. If anyone could see deep inside my heart, they would see that my intentions were sincere. I can't bear this guilt. What I did.

I had the perfect life. Now it is done, being ripped to shreds. Because of me. ALL because of me. I don't know what to do next. I am crying as I type this. I haven't cried YET!!! I've lost the man of my dreams. The one who took care of me.

I feel like an outsider now when I hear anyone talk about families and inlaws and husbands. I WANT THAT BACK. But it is gone forever. I am a changed person. I've learned but I have lost it all in doing so.

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-30-2003
Sun, 11-19-2006 - 8:47pm

I think you need to read and then re-read the posts you got in response to your thread. Your last post tells me that you're reading selectively. I'm very glad that yuo take responsibility for what was an error in judgement, but don't heap all of the blame on yourself.

As for your STBX, leave him be. Surprise him by not begginghim to come back. Just treat him as though you are strong, confident, and prepared to move on with your ife. Maye it's faking right now, but in time it will be the truth. The more you ask him to come back, the more power you give him and the more he'll likey pull away. Take some power back for yourself.

Own your mistakes, but see his mistakes too. Read your initial post. It seems as though the first few lines tell the truth and then the shame and self blame kicks in and it spirals into emotional catastrophization. <- is that even a word? LOL Well, you know what I mean.

Get to a counsellor, even if you have to arrange an earlier lunch break and go then. You need someone to help you gain some clarity.

take care.

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-13-2004
Sun, 11-19-2006 - 8:47pm

Hi Champagne


Like everyone else here said, Call a help line or who ever you have to to get help. DO That ASAP. Now I would like to talk to you one on one.


You need to stick around for your kids.PERIOD!!. Sure your hurt, sure your scared ,But if you really wanted to end you life you would not of come here for support,you would of done it,so that tells me you want to LIVE.


You made a mistake,your human not a robot. You scared of being alone,well you know what, so am I. I was M for 26years and one day back in Nov of 2003 my X left me a note telling me he was done with me and our M and that he did not love me and had not loved me in a long time. Was I upset ,,sure..but you know what, I did not give up, was I scared about being alone?hell yes ,I had never in my life been on my own .I went from being someone's child to being someone's W and now here I am pushing 50 and alone,no kids just me, but you know what, I will survive and you know why? because I owe it to MYSELF. no one else, MYSELF.


Sure your H is upset,and I bet he might also be upset at himself for working all the time leaving you lonely.Maybe he is even more upset at that fact then the fact that you turned to someone else for comfort and attention. Maybe your M will not survive this, and if it doesn't you will go on and you will survive because you have more to think about then just you, you have your children who need you ,they need you!!.


As for your parents,if they are any kind of parents they will forgive you and help you, and if they don't, YOU WILL SURVIVE!!


My family did not step up to support me when I told them my X wanted out.My mom kept telling me"Talk to him" Well it hard to talk to someone who tells you they have nothing to say.


Honey you need to step up and be the Hero ,be that Hero to your kids ,hold you head up high, sure you made a mistake ,everyone makes mistakes our mistakes makes us stronger. We learn by our mistakes.


DO NOT TURN YOUR BACK ON YOUR KIDS!! you are too strong a woman to do that ,you will survive this ,you will survive if your M does not make it;. You will survive being alone if need be, but right now you need to know you have kids who love you NO MATTER WHAT!!


Reach out and get help.Step up and be that hero for your kids.


SB


"The best and most beautiful things in the world cannot be seen or even touched - they must be felt with the heart." ...Helen Keller


iVillage Member
Registered: 11-04-2006
Sun, 11-19-2006 - 9:28pm
First off I am very sorry to hear about your problem with this. There are so many peopleout there that always seem to thank the grass is greener on the other side until something happens like this. I to once felt the same way you do about taking your own life just alittle over a year ago in fact. You see I have two wounderful children my son is 11 and my daughter is 10. I was married for 11 years and a day befor I caught my ex cheating on me for the third time I cant say that I never did the same because I did and I know I was wrong. But when we split up in Aug of last year I felt my life was over. I saw everything that I had worked so hard for being destroyed and would have done anything to get it back but instead I pushed her away by trying to talk to her and get her to understant that I did love her and we could work through our problem but to no prevail I lost. We were divorced in April of this year. At that time I still felt like I didnt belong and blamed myself for what she had done not only to her and I but also our family and I was wrong it wasnt just her it was both of us. But trust me time can heal your heart learning to belive inyour self comes in time but in order to love someone you must first love your self. I now live with our son my new wife and my four stepchildren and really have never been happier but I still have my daughter every other weekend. Life for us is great. Have faith in yourself and trust in God you can make it through this its hard but it will get better in time. Your children need you they should be the most important ones in your life at this time after all they didnt ask to be brought into this world. I hope this helps in some way and I wish you all the best but please hang in there nothing is ever worth taking you own life. Take car and God bless.
iVillage Member
Registered: 08-05-2004
Sun, 11-19-2006 - 10:35pm

I have been "nothing" all weekend. My husband has not contacted me, except when he helped with my son's car. Otherwise, the last I saw of him, he was driving away. I have no idea where he is.

I know he will come here tomorrow after I leave for work, then be gone to his work, before I get home. This week he will get a lawyer. And I am devestated at ALL of this. Espeically that it is the holiday season and being forced from my home makes it much harder and sadder for the kids.

I have NOT contacted him. I have NOT sent him a phone text. The old me would have tried to find him, tried to call him a zillion times, but I KNOW that this will only make it worse. He is DONE WITH ME. I feel like an empty shell. I'll have to muddle through work. Smile for my kids. And the whole time, I am breaking apart inside with a sadness I have NEVER known before.

IF I could have a miracle, it would be for him to walk through the door, and just hold me, tell me he forgives me, or is willing to work on forgiveness.

Like I said before, I was trying SO hard to put our family together again. I have never felt like I belonged anywhere. I have never felt like I had a "Home" until I married him and now this is "Home". What's next for me? Will I EVER EVER EVER EVER find peace? Knowing that when I come home in the evening after work, that my life has not been ripped to shreds. I am SO willing to do my part.

I know that I will NEVER allow anyone into my heart again. It has been broken too many times. I trust no one. This isn't the life that I had imagined as a child.

He really was the perfect man for me. I messed everyone's life up. But I am going to try and stay strong for my children. I have nothing. I will have to work a lot of extra hours to keep up, since he made the majority of the income.

And I honestly have NO ONE to spend Thanksgiving with. My daughter goes to her dad's and my son will be with his father's family too. I've been alone a lot, when my husband was working, but this is different.

I don't think I can bear to see my "stuff" being moved out of this house. That will be my last straw. I don't think I can make it through that. I wish this was all just a bad bad dream.

Thank you ALL for listening.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Mon, 11-20-2006 - 9:58am

First off ((((hugs))))

Why is your husband having such a hard time with this if he also had an affair before? I am not saying 2 wrongs make a right, but to me, he is being unfair. You did end yours and your husband already knew about the affair. So why is this the result when he knew what had transpired?

~ Rhonda

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-28-2004
Mon, 11-20-2006 - 10:07am
This is not the end. You will survive. One step at a time.
Take a deep breath let it out slowly.
Make a list of what needs to be done. Basic things only.
You need a place to live? Where? Friends, Family, maybe a shelter...
that is just until you can find an apartment to live in. Or if you can get the money for an apartment. Do not worry about anything else. Small steps. If you have to leave your house from where you stay now where will you go. If you concentrate on your work and small things its not so overwelming. I know things are bad right now. Take one step at a time. Get a place to go. Then decide what you need from there. You will be strong and you will make it though you have to believe this. I would hope we could stay in touch somehow. Please let me know if there is anything that i can do. Hang in there. There are people out there to help you and your children. Just take it slow. Bless you and your children. Keep strong and take babysteps. You will make it though.
iVillage Member
Registered: 08-16-2005
Mon, 11-20-2006 - 11:14am

It's unforunate that you had to lose all of that to realize what you had. I'm truly sorry that you are hurting, but you do realize that your husband and children are hurting as well right now from your betrayal so recognize you aren't the only one in pain right now.

I would advise seeking some counseling to work through your depression and your feelings of isolation, you do not need to be anymore alone and isolated. Also, nobody here needs to beat you up, you are doing a pretty bang up job of it yourself.

If you have nowhere to sleep, I would advise seeking refuge at a woman's shelter if you truly have nowhere to go. There is always somewhere to go.

Hang in there, it is always darkest before the dawn. In time things will get better, you are at your lowest point right now, you will overcome this and move on and get better, much like your husband will as well.

Smile,

Deirdre

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-12-2003
Mon, 11-20-2006 - 11:31am

I would like to point out one thing, Champagne... your husband sounds very abusive with you. When you say he insulted you, he called you a cheater and a lier, a bad mother and a bad wife - this is abuse, not truth. You had an affair. You also closed it. He also had an affair. it also turned short. One would say - time to move on, either together or apart, because rarely affairs just "happen", are usually a sign of something not quite right in the couple. In your case, it was an effect of being sooo lonely all the time. On his side, it was probably an effect of boredom and exposure to temptation.

You have been an excellent mother - it isn't easy to bring up 2 kids and form a family around them. So much of a good mom, that your current husband even found easy to fit in the shoes of the "dad", and that is because you facilitated it.

Also, to get you out of the house, he must have rights to do so. Do you have a marriage contract? is the house in his name? otherwise, he has no right to do so. Do call a counselor (a lawyer) NOW, or tomorrow morning, and see him asap. Spend some time in a library, and invest in a couple of good divorce books... Divorce for Dummies is not a bad one to start with!!!

I am shocked and a bit disgusted that your own family actually judges you, instead of standing by your side. They may not agree with what you did, but that doesn't turn you into a monster, and the boycott is really mean. I would be furious, in your position.

Find a good friend - and see if you could be with her for Thanksgiving. Give thanks that you have been given a chance to see how many mean people are around you, and that now you can take the steps you need to protect yourself. Or, host a thanksgiving yourself, for some friends that would otherwise be alone: if you don't feel like cooking, local supermarket can do the whole thing for 50 US, and you just have to add a couple of bottle of wine and some girlfriends.

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-29-2005
Mon, 11-20-2006 - 12:58pm

I've sat here trying to think of something to say that may help you, but I've rewritten this post 4 times and I've got nothin'!

I will just say that I am happy you came back and posted. I've been thinking of you since your original post and was hoping you were okay. There are people here that care about you and we'll be here whenever you need to talk.

Try not to be so hard on yourself. BOTH you and your husband made mistakes. You don't need to take the entire burden on yourself. Also, PLEASE get a lawyer ASAP. You deserve some protection, and the lawyer will make sure you get that.

Take care.

Gwen

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-17-2006
Tue, 11-21-2006 - 2:18pm
You say not to hate you, and I don't. But you have to stop hating yourself. You need to get some professional help. Find out how to forgive yourself and what you might be able to do to keep your family together. Yes, you made a dangerous decision, but you can recover. I once spoke to a phone coach at divorcebusting.com after I went through a similar situation. She really helped me to stop obsessing about what I did wrong and get clear headed about what I should do to reach out to my partner in a different way. It helped me, I hope it will help you. Good luck and go forward.