dont know how much more I can take

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-26-2005
dont know how much more I can take
7
Fri, 04-28-2006 - 10:25pm
found out that stbx moved in with ow gf whatever she is by passing him on the street with furniture in the back of his truck dd is driving and we pass him and he tries to hide his face like we arent going to know him. When we got home dd texts him and says she saw him and finally several hours later he texts back and says he is moving but doesnt say that it is in with gf.He tells dd that he cant afford his bills sorry and then asks her to come over and look at the place.dd walks in and says house is awesome and says this is cheaper than where you lived before and he says its a little less for me but the same for her that is how he told her they were moving in together.dd comes how crying and screaming so hard she cant even talk. He was finally starting to spend a little time with dd after almost a year of having nothing to do with her and then he does this knowing that dd hates this piece of trash and blames her for the divorce.What is he thinking and as much as i hate to admit it I felt like someone had punched me in the stomach when I found out even though I saw it coming long ago.I even knew he would use the excuse that he doesnt have any money but of course he can afford over 300.00 a month for his harley payment.We have been seperated for over a year now and was finally starting to make some progress and now I think I feel worse than the day he moved out.I cant stand the thought of them together and dd being over there with them which is causing terrible conflict between dd and I. I dont understand how he can do this to her and she still wants to spend time with him.When she went over there the other night I sat and cried the whole time it just made me so sick to think of her over there with them.She said that he looks more unhappy then she has ever seen him and I know its terrible but that made me happy.Everyone has told me that he is just doing this to hurt me and that he is so needy right now that he cant be alone.I just feel like he has walked into this new perfect life and left us here trying to figure out how to pay the bills.I get child support right now and that is it I am paying for everything for dd health insurance car insurance which isnt cheap for a 16 year old, and everything else you can think of and he says he doesnt have and money he makes 3 times what I make.I Thought this was going to be a simple divorce and it has drug on forever and before he said that he wouldnt let me lose the house and now that is even a lie the only way im going to be able to keep it is if i refinance myself and im sure I dont make enough money for that.Went to the bank today to talk to them about that and they said there isnt anything they can do until the divorce is final and then I can try to refinance.Im working ot to try and even make ends meet and that isnt even working and he is living his perfect life with a new house and everything he wants.dd does nothing to help around the house and her grades have went from straight As to barely Cs if she is lucky.I feel like I have no control over her or my own life and I just dont know what to do lately I havent even been able to perform simple tasks like going to the store for groceries or to target for things we need around the house.I go to work and do pretty well keeping my mind off things and then when I get home all I can do is sit and stare into space and think what am I going to do.I have no control over my dd im trying to be realistic and look for a new place to live which by the way rent is outrageous and everyplace is a dump especially compared to what we are use to our house isnt anything fancy but it is exactly the way I want it.One minute all I can think about is where are we going to live and the next minute I go into denial and refuse to think about having to leave my house.dd keeps saying that she is going to look for a pt job to help pay for gas in her car and car insurance but then never goes and looks and when I say something to her about it she says no one is hiring anyway.She just doesnt understand that I cant afford to keep handing her money for everything and paying all these bills by myself and when I tell her that she gets mad but still thinks her dad is great.Also dd got in a car wreck over a month ago it wasnt her fault but have had to have her car in and out of the shop 3 times because they cant get it fixed right and then something mechanical goes wrong with it and it costs me 400.00 to get it fixed.I know all these are everyday things that happen but I just dont feel like I can take anymore I told dd that I dont feel like I can take care of her because I dont even feel like I can take care of myself and she would be better off staying with my parents for awhile and she got upset and started crying because she thought I didnt want her anymore just like her dad doesnt.I explained to her that isnt what I meant at all.I guess telling her that was to much info for her to handle because she is so emotional right now too.I never even thought she would take it as I was trying to get rid of her.Well better get ready for bed so I get up and go work some ot tomorrow while stbx rides around with gf on his harley.Thanks for letting me vent and any words of encouragement or suggestions would be appreciated.
iVillage Member
Registered: 01-29-2005
Fri, 04-28-2006 - 11:13pm

Hang in there, helpdev. Even though it feels terrible now, things will get better in time. I know how you feel about seeing him moving in with another woman. When I kicked my husband out he moved straight in with his gf. He told our children about her only two weeks after we told then we were divorcing. The only advice I can give you on that issue is to just try to let it go as much as possible. I do drive myself a bit nuts over it still sometimes, but I try very hard to just push it out of my mind. I have to do the same thing when I think about my children being at his place and staying the weekend with him and a woman I think is trash.

I'm not sure if this would work for you, but if you have room in your home have you considered letting someone move in? My finances are very tight as well and I have considered having a divorced female friend move into one of my bedrooms and moving my daughter into my room with me. Not ideal, but if you are scared you may lose the house, it may help until finances smooth out for you.

A piece of advice I was given after my first or second post here, when I was at my lowest, was to go see my doctor and get some antidepressants. You sound like you are at the end of your rope and need some help pushing through this. The medication and a counselor will help you immensely. Please consider it.

Take care and I hope things start going better for you soon.

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-08-2004
Sat, 04-29-2006 - 8:40am

HUGS! It sounds like you and your DD are having a very hard time coping with everything that's been thrown at you. When a divorce starts to drag on, it becomes VERY emotionally draining.


I know you hate the OW, but it sounds like she's going to be part of your DD's life now. I would just try to continue to foster her relationship with her dad, even if you despise this other woman and think she's trash. In the end, it will be better for

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-13-2005
Sat, 04-29-2006 - 9:20am

Helpdev,

It is easy to read the emotion and hurt in your words today. I am so sorry you are in the middle of this. I don't have any magic formula either. I just want to send you some encouragement.

One really important thing is this: what you are feeling is valid. You must not feel 'guilty' for spending some time feeling super angry, fearful about how you are going to manage so many challenges seemingly at once, or even for the occsional pitiful feelings --- you are in a crisis. But secondly in regards to making decisions; as many posters here will tell you --- baby steps. Face today and possibly tomorrow...do what you can proactively for short periods of time.

For me, it has been very difficult to not 'girl scout the next year'...I wanted to be able to think ahead, do what needs to be done now, and plan for every eventual 'problem' the stbx throws at us or might even be thinking of doing. Guess what good that does? Nada. There is some saying along the lines of "There is trouble enough today..." --- though that is negative, its true in some circumstances.

You are not superwoman - and you have been hurt in one of the worst ways imaginable. Now. Deep breath. I bet your daughter is wonderful. She loves you, and it sounds very much like she wants to keep loving her father too. We can choose at least to try and give that gift to our kids during the divorce process. We cannot manage the relationship they have with the other parent anymore (or shouldn't...); but we can choose to help them to have as much love as possible from both us and the other parent.

Its so hard...I find it very difficult to find ways to say positive things about 'him' or his family...and sometimes its a pretense on my part, but it helps the kids, its another part of what we do for our kids. They will form their own decisions about both of you over the years; for now try to tell as well as show them, that this divorce is not their doing, not any fault of theirs, and that you and 'it' are handling things. Its okay that she knows you think he is a scumbucket...lol she sees what he has and is doing to 'you'; but you don't need to say that in front of her or denigrate him ... show her you know its hard for her too; that he is the only dad she has, and try to find something positive to share with her about him every now and then.

In the early months of my divorce process, I read something that was along the lines of the following: if you are the sort of person who has at times operated in the guilt-realm, if some of the bad choices of your marriage or other relationships revolved partially around your making decisions based on feeling 'guilty' if you didn't put someone elses needs first...remember that is the same sort of 'guilt' your child will feel, regardless of their age, if during this divorce they have to 'choose' one parent over the other, or feel really conflicted about loving one of the parents if the other one projects onto them how 'horrible' the other parent has been to them. That was a wake-up call for me.

When my kids note something 'it' has done that is wrong in any way, either to me or the family in general, I certainly do not make excuses for him anymore or play peacemaker. But I actively make sure I don't make them feel 'guilty' for loving their dad either, or at least that is what I make myself conscious of. And with older teens its especially important, because our relationship with them is a little different. Yes, we are their parent etc, but the types of conversations and activities we have and do with them make it easier for us to mention various 'problems' of the divorce. Yet we have to choose the way we phrase things so that it is not a contributing factor of reminding them their other parent is pretty much what we think of as a 'zero' or worse.

I can imagine you have bent over backwards in regards to trying to maintain some semblance of 'normal' day to day for your daughter sake; sometimes when it gets to be too much, you need to sit down and push all ...all...all thoughts of 'it' and even of the divorce out of your mind for a few minutes. Do a rewinding film in your head of that girl of yours...remember your pregnancy with her, her birth, remember childhood milestones, think of sweet times with her...think of her future hopes and dreams she has shared with you. Then know this; even though you are mired down in a lot of tough, tough problems...you do not have to have answers and results for them all by 6 pm tonight. Make some kind of priority list; and begin to seek help in the community, work on the challenges you can. Find a few answers. Get someone to talk with or a counselor.

And know, just because you don't have 'all' the answers right now and are feeling weak and sad, those are real 'feelings' but you do not have to think of 'giving' up your daughter. You may have to make quite a few hard choices when it comes to finances and things. But "the best things in life is not made up of things" and you know that. You don't have to deny your pain about what 'it' has done to you, but as you work through it...you are going forward to a new life for yourself and your daughter. You can do it, you are a decent, loving person who has a really hard thing to deal with right now, its just a part, a time you are going through now; it will not look or feel the same 6 months from now or two years from now. You can do this helpdev.

Are you taking some time to take good care of yourself occasionally? With little money its hard; but even just good reading, long walks, exercise, a little time with friends, hot bubble baths etc. ---these things help us to unwind a little. Also many parents in our community have said how really, really helpful it was for them to talk with a doctor who could prescribe an interim anti-depressant med; might be something to consider.

And even though its really hard to allow our kids to love the other parent, we have to try and see as much as possible that doesn't take away from their love of us! Many months ago I reminded myself that despite how hard everything seems, and some problems I face just still have no answer I can find... Despite the circumstances right now; the world is full of abundance. If I look at my life as something that is slowing eeking away...I feel lost and unmotivated to go on. When I see kindness in other people, when I find a little joy for myself sometimes, when I read something helpful or just funny, when I allow myself to forget about this insane, stupid divorce for a couple of hours (which is about the most amount of time I have yet been able to not 'think about unfortunately!) I 'feel' a little more relaxed, ready to come at some of the problems from a different angle etc.

I will send positive thoughts and prayers to you and I hope this pain lessens and you find yourself choosing to be strong. Its in you Helpdev...you just have to reach down inside and grab ahold of 'you' again. The hurt part isn't going to go away, but it will slowly become a part of our tapestry, which is not made up only of the good times in life; but rather I think of how we enjoy the goodness, the other people in our life, and how we feel as we look back at the hard parts and see how we got through those times and what sorts of solutions we found.

I still wish I could just look at a problem, draw two columns on a piece of paper and write down all the pro's and con's, then choose the 'best' answer. Unfortunately for me, literally there is not always an answer that is at all acceptable...or so I think at first. Then answers do come; I have to make the best, most imformed choice I can. Make sure you note the part where I say the 'best, most informed choices I can' -*smiles, as that is the task for some of us. To realize that your best at any given moment IS YOUR BEST...and its great, its okay, that is the answer you found, that is your decision...don't do the 20-20 hindsight thing forever!

In your posts here on our board I have found tips and things you shared, you have a generous spirit! I pray you look at yourself, love yourself in the middle of this crud, and love your 'big' girl through this, all the way through this to the other side of your life as you go through all these changes.

P.S. (*I have five rowdy, wonderful kids -- four younger, and one bright, assertive, loves-music-with-a-passion, idealistic, sometimes-lazy, sometimes-less-than-responsible, sweet son of 16...the challenges faced in a divorce with older children can definitely be harder. I guess I have just finally realized, I think that its for HIM to get to have the most of whatever is the best relationship he can have with his father. I am trying hard to figure out how to separate myself from 'it', without making them lose him completely.)
Be good to yourself today. Peace, Annah

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-07-2006
Sun, 05-07-2006 - 6:06pm

Helpdev,

my heart and thoughts go out to you. i am in the same boat as my stbx has moved on seamlessly with his new life w/new gf of 4 months, after our 11-year marriage and 14 total years together. it is indeed rough and oftentimes you feel desperately miserable and alone. but what i can agree to a similar post, it takes "baby steps." so, i have a few suggestions that have helped me considerably between the extreme range of emotions from significant bouts of crying to unexpected laughter.

1) Make a list of the things the ow/new gf will inherit from your ex (cause you know ain't nothing changing about his behavior, except it's in a new zip code), which has nothing to do with the things that you are thinking about while imagining their time and new life together with your dd. my personal list for my stbx included: "selfishness" "controlling" "inflexible" "emotionally distant" "absent from marriage" etc. this will help you balance and put into perspective what you have "lost" and focus on why you separated in the first place; it helps take away so much emotion that we women feel in relationships and began to understand "reality," a positive reality.

2) Make a "divorce" journal. this is a bless-send for me. And give it an overall title, and subequent titles for each day you write in it/each entry. i've even created my own "emoticons" to indicate my range of emotion for the day and write according to that emotion. And write in this journal as much as you need to, until one day, there is no need to do it at all. then, you possibly can turn this journal into a book--a raw emotions type of book to help women going through what you will have gone through.

it's not your fault for the way that you feel, but it is your future; let no one take that away. turn pain into power & trials into triumphs.

may i suggest a title for your future journal-to-become-book: "yesterday, it was the worst of times ... today, it is the best" -- i'll be the first to attend your booksigning & look forward to all us women going through these challenging times, smiling together ...

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-19-2003
Sun, 05-07-2006 - 6:18pm

"cause you know ain't nothing changing about his behavior, except it's in a new zip code"


Karen ~ wildlucky4me ~

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-07-2006
Sun, 05-07-2006 - 6:31pm

thank you,

i'm sooo happy to be "here" rather than in misery; i found the boards after googling "divorce support". thank you for the welcome & the realization that i'm not alone in this--context loves company :)

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-08-2004
Mon, 05-08-2006 - 8:37am

<(cause you know ain't nothing changing about his behavior, except it's in a new zip code)>


I agree with Karen. Man, that is a good one!


Great advice! I think making the list is an excellent idea. It's great to have something to refer to when you're in one of those periods of time where you're romanticizing what really went on in the marriage.


Also, journaling has worked wonders for me, too. I've been kind of lax about it lately, but you've inspired me to pick it back up again.




How wonderful it is that nobody need wait a single moment before starting to improve the world.
- Anne Frank