Don't know what to do!!

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-25-2005
Don't know what to do!!
3
Mon, 04-25-2005 - 9:46pm
I'm new to these boards, so bear with me. Ok. Here’s my story. About two months ago, my husband of eight years said that we needed to split and spend some time apart because we both have things we need to work on. My communication issues and his short temper. So, I agreed. We found out that he needed to go to Arkansas and pickup his grandmother and bring her back to Texas. None of his guy friends could go, I had things with one of the kids that had been planned, so he took his ex with him. I didn't think anything of it because she had 'attached' herself to his granny in high school because she didn't have a grandmother. Then, about two weeks later he told me that 'he had feelings' for her, that he couldn't be miserable with me and stay because of the kids (we have 3), and that he wanted to get a divorce. He stayed here in our house, on occasion, and when he was here, we slept together (and it was wonderful, I don't know what I was thinking). He's officially moved out as of today, and started 'dating' the ex. They've slept together, once that I know of. He keeps telling me things that I really don't need to hear, like the fact that her dad is buying them a trailer so they can live together. WE'RE NOT EVEN DIVORCED YET! I called her last Friday morning when I was taking the kids to school and hashed it out with her. I didn't, however tell her anything negative until after the kids were out of the car, because I don't want them to hear any of that. I told her that if she had any heart, and if she was as caring and loving as he said she was, she'd step away and let him figure this out on his own. She told me that she asked him over and over if he was sure about what he was doing. I told her that's not letting him do this on his own. The last thing she said to me was 'face it, you lost, get over it'. Like it's all a game to her. And I told him that tonight. He told me that he wasn't coming over this Friday to watch movies because of what I did that morning. That he didn't want anything to do with me anymore except 'to deal with me because of the kids'. He came over to see the girls, and when he left, after he kissed them goodbye, I peeked out the window and saw him walk out the back door. He was in tears, lips quivering, tears rolling down his cheeks. I love him with all my heart and this hurts so badly, and if he wanted to come back tomorrow I'd take him back. He’s a great guy, a wonderful father, and a wonderful husband. What do I do now? I can't let go.
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-06-2005
Tue, 04-26-2005 - 9:35am

First thing, HUGS to you. This isn't an easy situation.


I have found myself in that spot before. It stinks! Royally!...lol.


I think what you have to realize is that every "OW" is being told things that make her "hard and less feeling" towards you. I think we all ( everyone who has had infidelity ) can relate that XH ALWAYS lies about the current situation to make his situation seem like it's ending so the OW will bite and be ok with what she/he is doing. The OW will never, ever see the light no matter how much we tell them or how angry we get. I had to realize this after months of fighting and months of trying to convince this OW how much XH has lied to her about me and how much I wanted him to figure things out on his own. That conversation that you had with her, sounded just like one I had with OW. lol.


The more time that goes by, the worse it will get. That woman will hate you for no reason. Mostly because she feels guilty for breaking up a family. I am sitting here, after the divorce, and she still hates me. I have no idea why, other than the guilt and jealousy.


You have to be the better person. She was wrong about one thing, you didn't lose. You will be better off, because any man that "has feelings" for another woman while he is married and acts on them, is lonely and has issues deeper than we know. He is only looking out for himself and that, to me is wrong, especially when there are children involved. You have to learn to separate yourself. I know it's too soon and I know you are angry..... You have to do what is best for you. Talking to that woman and trying to make her see your point will not do what is best for you. It will make you angrier and angrier and pretty soon you will be consumed with it. Remember everytime you come in contact with her that YOU are the better person.


That's my best advice. I wish I could help more. Hugs to you and if you ever need anything please let us know.


Angelena

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-25-2005
Tue, 04-26-2005 - 9:34pm
Thanks Angelena for the words of wisdom. I have an appointment on Thursday with a counselor to work out my issues. I had to call him when I got home because there was a message on the answering machine for him from his uncle. I called and told him, and that was it. Yea me for not saying anything else. He sounded beat after his first day of work in 3 years though. Ha ha. I guess he forgot what that’s like. After he told me yesterday about not wanting to deal with me other than to get or call the kids, he still sat on the couch and talked to me like he wanted to be friends. What is up with him? Told me about the 4 fights they had this past weekend (3 of which were about the fact that she kept asking him if he was sure about what he was doing, and he told me that finally he told her that ‘yes, I’m sure...drop it’. The other was 20 minutes about a saddle that she told him she bought for $2300, when she doesn’t have any money. Her sister-in-law told him that she was just ‘yanking his chain’ and drop it. He got mad and they fought about her yanking his chain for another 30 minutes. Do I believe him about this? I’m still confused and think that he still doesn’t know what he wants. He said that if things don’t work out with her that he still wouldn’t come back to me. At this point, I really don’t know if I would want him back (at least right now). I still don’t know what I’m doing.
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-06-2005
Wed, 04-27-2005 - 10:38am

I think you have to look at what is happening here..... I used to have this same problem. Ex would come over and tell me all sorts of "stories" about him and her and 90% of them, were lies. I didn't know that then and at that time I wanted my husband back too, I believed him.