Don't know what to do...(long)

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-03-2005
Don't know what to do...(long)
2
Wed, 08-03-2005 - 11:07am

Background info first...My ex and I were married for just under 14 years before getting divorced in 2002. We had a lot of reasons for the divorce. I am bipolar and have some issues from abuse, so trust and relationships are not the easiest thing for me. He, however, is definitely not the easiest person to be in a relationship with. On my side, I know that I was often in a bad mood, critical, judgemental, etc. On his side, he has never helped me with such things as housework, yardwork, and has always made me feel like I am just not very important to him. We have three children (now ages 15, 7, and 5) and while he is always there, he just won't do things like play with them. We had split up probably five times in the previous 14 years and always went back together, until the last time. I filed divorce papers, again changed my mind and wanted him to come home, but he refused and the divorce went through.

After the divorce, I went off the deep end. I completely lost control of all my own issues. I attempted suicide three times and was hospitalized three times in a psychiatric facility. My kids went through hell with all of it. They were still living with me up until the last few months of all of that. I ended up losing my house and living in my car for a month. The kids went to live with him when I lost the house. He was living with his parents. After being released from the hospital the last time, in March 2003, I finally managed to start to get a grip on things. I rented a small one bedroom apartment and really started to work on my problems. One year later, March 2004, I had the opportunity to buy a house and the kids came back to live with me full time. For the last six months up to that time, I was more stable and content than I have ever been in my life. The kids were doing well. The ex and I had hooked up a few times for sex (another one of those stupid things). He had made several comments about starting to date each other again and that he missed me, etc.

*deep breath* ...almost there...

A few weeks after I moved into my new house, I informed him that he had to start paying child support again, that I couldn't make it financially without it. He had paid support when the kids were living with me fulltime before and didn't pay any when they lived with him for that year, of course. I didn't pay him any during that time either. I was barely making it money-wise then and he was living with his parents with all his expenses paid, so I didn't. Probably not fair, I know. Anyway, when I told him that he would have to start paying it again, he refused. I told him that I would enforce it through the courts if I had to do so. A few days later, he suggested moving in with me and picking our relationship back up. My psych recommended against it, my friends and family were against it, but like a fool, I said yes. I was lonely for male company, scared of my financial prospects, feeling sentimental or something, I don't really know. He moved in. Things were good for the first six months or so.

Then things crept back to the way they were before the divorce. He wouldn't help me out anymore, wouldn't enforce rules with the kids, etc. He's always worked fulltime while he's been here and the money has gone into a joint account, so he didn't move in just to keep from paying any money. I think he was tired of living with his parents and this was his way out of there. Again, I don't know. I insisted on couples counseling and finally, after I told him that he would have to leave if we didn't try that, he agreed to go. We went to two appointments. The counselor gave us each a paper to fill out listing our needs in the relationship and what we didn't want in the relationship and told us to return them at the second appointment. I filled mine out, he claimed he had lost his paper and couldn't do it. At that second appointment, she told him that if he didn't participate, there wasn't much that she could do to help and gave him another paper to fill out, telling him to call and set up another appointment after he had done so. Needless to say, he never did it. He claims that he's been too busy, etc. and accuses me of nagging him when I ask about it. We've never gone back to counseling because of this.

He barely helps me again, stating that he is just too tired when he gets home from work. Financially, we are in a huge hole again. The money comes into the house, but gets spent on stupid things instead of the bills. We are both responsible for that, so I can't blame it all on him. I wasn't like that before he moved back in though. It's like he brings out the worst in me. I can't keep this house anymore and have made arrangements to move to a three bedroom apartment that is much better for me. We plan to move this weekend.

At first, I told him that he couldn't move with me and would have to find somewhere else to live. Then, again like a fool, I told him that if he agreed to start helping me pack and to stick to a budget, that he could come too. You can probably guess where we are now. He won't help. I work 3-11 four days a week and have been trying to do some packing/cleaning every day before I go to work. I asked him to do some when he gets home (he works 7-4 five days a week). He has done nothing to help. I could go on and on about this, but I'm sure that you get the picture.

I had to beg my father for money in order to be able to move and had to plead with the utility companies to leave the electric and water on for a bit longer. That's how bad we are with money right now. I went through days and days of emotional anguish trying to get things straightened out. He offered no emotional support at all. I think he just sat and waited for me to work things out and bail us out again.

I just don't know what to do anymore. I guess that really I do know, but don't know how to face it. I'm tired of my kids being raised like this. I need some stability back in our lives. I need for him to make an effort to help fix this relationship if he wants to stay in it. He says that he loves me and wants to be here, but when it comes down to action, he does nothing. I don't want to be alone again (although it's like I already am) and I don't want my kids to grow up without their father here, but I just can't take anymore of this. Why won't he just help?

I know that I need to just let him go and move on to this new place with my kids. It's just so hard to even think about. I'm sad and angry all the time now. I still blame myself for so much that has gone wrong, due to my own mental issues, and have to really make myself look at the fact that he has done nothing at all to fix this or help me. It's much easier to believe that if I just do better, then he will come around.

Words of advice?

Thanks,
Grace

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-14-2004
Wed, 08-03-2005 - 11:57am

Nobody is perfect and no one's life is perfect, so try to go a little easier on yourself about this. You are recognizing that you need to take a good look at your life, and that's a great start.

Ask yourself why it is that you're reluctant to be on your own. Is it because you're afraid to be alone, think you need a man, etc.? If those are any of the reasons, remind yourself that you were actually doing better in your life, both emotionally and financially, on your own. I know many people who have a tendency to overspend when they're unhappy and not dealing with what is wrong in their lives, so they waste money on frivolous things to try to compensate. Was this a factor in your situation? If you cling to the relationship because of love, well sometimes people who love each other aren't good for each other. Ask yourself whether this relationship is in any way good for you and your children. Don't fool yourself with the 'potential' you want to believe the relationship could have - it seems clear that he isn't willing to participate in change. Instead look at the reality of how things are.

Usually making yourself take an honest look at your life make the right choice for you apparent. The right choice isn't always the easy choice. If you decide to end the relationship, reach out to your friends, family, and continue your therapy to help you adjust to life on your own again. If you feel yourself losing control, don't be afraid to tell these people and ask for help. But remember that you were doing great on your own before you tried the reconciliation, so this may be easier than you fear.

-sang

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-19-2003
Thu, 08-04-2005 - 4:20pm

Hi Grace.... Welcome!


Now, you said "It's much easier to believe that if I just do better, then he will come around."--And I'll ask... do you really want him to be around????... only when things are going well.


Life has ups and downs...... and part of a relationship is sticking together to work through things.


Karen ~ wildlucky4me ~