Don't want a divorce

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-06-2008
Don't want a divorce
2
Sat, 09-06-2008 - 1:53pm
I am married 11 years (next month) with 3 children 8 and under. We were together for 7 years on and off before we were married. My husband informed me last week that he is not in love with me anymore. He said he has felt this way for at least a year, that we have lost our emotional connection. The last 3 years has been terribly stressful. We had financial difficulties and had to sell our house, moving into an apartment in my parent's house. He says he's not sure that the money issues had anything to do with our problems. I am a stay at home mother and seemed to have fallen into a depression/ rut for the last few years. Our friends started going in different directions and we weren't having fun anymnore. Our daughter also has some issues, possibly on the autistic spectrum. He mentioned something to me last year about us being on "different pages" and not having enough sex. But then he never said anything else. I started initiating sex more. But then it became me initiating it every time, once or twice a month. I want things to work but he says he doesn't know how he feels, that marriage should not be this much work. I don't agree and feel that if you have 9 good years out of 11 with 3 kids, you should fight for it. He says there isn 't anyone else and that that is not what this is about. He doesn't believe in counseling. I ask him what specificlly happened and he says he can't pinpoint just one thing.
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-25-2006
Sat, 09-06-2008 - 5:08pm

Am,


Hi. I think you "deal" with this by getting marriage counseling. Go yourself if he won't go. You need an objective person to help you identify what's happened and is happening and how to cope with it. I also suspect your husband claims he doesn't "believe" in counseling because he doesn't really want to own up to his half of the issues. It's easier to duck his head in the sand and pretend its all your fault.


Financial problems can dump any marriage into the water and good. It also sounds like your husband may be suffering from either depression or loss of pride due to the loss of your home, etc. He just can't admit that he couldn't "provide" for you and the children the way he wanted or thought he should.


I think you also get busy and examine the wisdom of remaining solely a SAHM. Could you work part-time and provide some income? Could you get some training or education to upgrade your skills and improve your employability? You'll need to make decisions about that later when your kids are grown and sooner if you are divorced.


I also recommend you contact an experienced divorce attorney and learn your rights and responsibilities in the event of a divorce. You need information to help you determine what to do.


I would also encourage you to get your husband to see a doctor. He may be suffering from depression or other medical issues (low thyroid, etc) that could be corrected with medication. I'd give it a shot.


Good luck.


CL-Wisdomtooth2020

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-06-2008
Sat, 09-06-2008 - 5:35pm

I believe what you say may be true.