doubting myself

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-28-1999
doubting myself
11
Mon, 03-31-2008 - 12:27pm

This weekend, my DS was at his dad's house, so DH & I were alone, except for the fact that he worked during the day on Sat.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 11-22-2001
Mon, 03-31-2008 - 9:32pm

I've been following your "story" for a few years now (on the other board) and I just want to say that, in my opinion, this is the inevitable ending. You've struggled with him for years. Sure, some can be blamed on his mental illness, but honestly, not all of it.


Sure there are going to be ok times now.....the stress of this marriage is off now-you've both decided on a divorce. That weight-or huge elephant in the room--is gone now.


The best thing you can do is separate yourself-emotionally and physically. you will always have those nagging doubts "maybe this could work". you've said before and now-your kids dont like him. I dont blame them after all he's put their mom through-and them. I grew up in a situation where I was called names, degraded, treated like crap. I worked hard for everything while my stepfathers daughters, who did nothing, got everything handed to them on a silver platter. It brews hostility......


Save yourself and your kids from this rollercoaster. Understand the doubts are normal. Remember *why* you ultimately came to the decision to divorce. Chances are, those reasons are still there....


HUGE hugs to you. Keep your strength. You ARE a very strong person.......


Deb

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iVillage Member
Registered: 07-08-2004
Mon, 03-31-2008 - 10:13pm

It is totally normally to have these doubts. People leaving abusive, horrible marriages even have them.


It sounds as if you've been considering divorce for a long time; it's not something you just dreamed up on the spur-of -the moment. Even though I was miserable with my ex for 12 years, I STILL had doubts in the end. What helped me was making a list of the reasons why I filed for divorce. I made a comprehensive list in my journal about the all of the reasons why it was better to divorce (I later created a list of the reasons to NOT get divorced...that list was very short!). Whenever I felt my resolve wavering, I would look at the list and know I was making the right choice. Sometimes, seeing the reasons in black-and-white can be very powerful.


iVillage Member
Registered: 11-28-1999
Wed, 04-02-2008 - 4:10pm

Hi Deb,


I really like your cartoon.

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-22-2001
Wed, 04-02-2008 - 4:37pm

Im not sure where the finding a man thing came from! I need to reread my initial post!! I dont think you should worry about that right now. Focus on you and your kids. Heal yourself. Find your happiness and strength again.


Like I said, the stress you've been living under for the last 4+ years is really insane. You dont deserve it. Your kids dont deserve it.


Honestly, you know in your heart this is the right thing. It's hard to do, but for you and your kids sanity, it's the right thing......


Whatever you decide, I hope you eventually find peace and happiness. You most definitely deserve it!


HUGE hugs
Deb

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iVillage Member
Registered: 04-02-2007
Wed, 04-02-2008 - 5:19pm

Wow, Liz, I've missed a memo somewhere.

Cat 

Mom to 5: DS-17, DD-16, DD-11, DD-9, DS-7

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-28-1999
Thu, 04-03-2008 - 10:28am

Hi Cat:


I didn't post anything on the Making a Second Marriage work board because 1) we just started talking about it so things really haven't progressed yet and 2) I know there are some people there who would be critical, so I really don't want to be second guessed right now.

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-02-2007
Thu, 04-03-2008 - 12:50pm

Well, I hope that things go well for you. It was hard to get my first husband to move out. I told him that the only way we could have any chance of staying together was to separate for a while. I had no intention of seeing anyone else, and in fact I didn't, but I really needed to get away from him. When he came near me, my skin would crawl. Literally. It was such an incredible relief when he moved out.


He wanted to come home some three or four months later, and in fact came back while I was out of town with the kids. I said one of us had to leave, and if necessary,

Cat 

Mom to 5: DS-17, DD-16, DD-11, DD-9, DS-7

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-28-1999
Thu, 04-03-2008 - 1:47pm

Actually his DD couldn't care less about me.

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-02-2007
Thu, 04-03-2008 - 6:00pm

I did remember that she moved out, but I had thought that those problems were more with her father than with you. I thought you were kind of a stabilizing presence there.


She sounds like an angry girl to me. I hope she is able to talk with her GM, she needs someone she can confide in. That had to be hard on all of you. Your young

Cat 

Mom to 5: DS-17, DD-16, DD-11, DD-9, DS-7

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-31-2008
Thu, 04-03-2008 - 7:24pm

I want to ofer you some comfort since you have been so kind to me.

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