Doubts
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| Tue, 07-04-2006 - 7:22pm |
After seeing the ex's nice, new house today (he was half-way moved in before I got the new address - so much for the agreed upon giving each other 30 days notice of a new address before moving), I am back to wondering if maybe my ds would be better off being raised by his Dad. Do any of you go through that? I feel bad that I am never going to be able to afford the things ex can. My ds had a horrible melt-down this a.m. and I know he doesn't do that kind of thing around my ex - maybe ex could handle the misbehavior better than I seem to be able to do. Just seems like things are so tough for me sometimes....I think maybe it would be better for my ds to be someplace that seems more stable and a better life than I can give him.
I am telling myself that what I see isn't necessarily the complete picture. Maybe things aren't as stable and wonderful as they look..... It is hard not to worry about the future, though. I hope that the ex and the nw don't decide to get custody so that they don't have to pay cs. That's one thing that flashed through my mind. When I was married to my ex, we couldn't get by on one salary and he made good money!!
Oh well, I am going to try to hang in there and focus on the positives.

Hello Abby,
If you are wondering about who is best for the child, you need to have a serious discussion with your ex. Before switching residences, your son should live with your ex, full time, for 4 to 6 months. That amount of time would give everyone involved the full picture of what life would really be like. And while the switch is on, your son has to stay there -- that is to say he's not allowed to run back to your house if a fight or disagreement occurs.
One statement you made did bother me -- about child support. Its almost sounds like you would maintain custody because you are dependent on the child support. I hope that is not true. If this is true, you should be getting spousal support (which is deductable to the ex) instead of child support (which is not).
My ex demanded child support, when in fact it was spousal support. The money went to support her life style, which included our son, rather than supporting the child.
Thanks for your reply... I think switching things should be done slowly and definitely I would want to make sure my son did better with his Dad than he would with me. I worry about my ability to raise a son well on my own. I keep thinking maybe he would do better living in his Dad's house....however, when I really think about it, I am pretty sure that my ex would not really be interested in having our son over there more than 50% of the time. Currently he has him 15% of the time and he is not all that involved with our son and says he likes it that way. But things could change.
I can see where your concern comes from on the cs. On the cs, my ex is bad with money and has complained about how much he pays in cs. He makes about 100k a year, so I think what he pays is fairly reasonable, he just has always had a hard time managing money. When we were married and I was a stay-at-home mom, we couldn't make ends meet without dipping into savings due to his spending habits.
BTW, the cs pays for about 1/4 of our monthly expenses - does that seem too much to you???? I am not being sarcastic here.... seems like anytime the subject comes up, its a difficult topic on this board. Whoever is paying the cs seems to think it is too much and the person on the other end doesn't think it's enough. : ) My expenses are a bit high right now because I am working part-time and going to school - college costs a lot - but I am paying for that with *my* savings.
Housing costs in our state are also skyrocketing. I really don't want to live in a dump or a bad neighborhood, but I may have to someday because I am not sure what housing costs are going to end up being in the next few years! A decent home in a nice neighborhood is something my ex *can* give our son.
I guess my fear is more about losing my ds or not being able to give him a good home. I have a co-worker whose ex was perfectly content to let her raise their daughter for 10 years. Hardly ever saw the kid. He gets a new wife, she decides she doesn't like how much they pay in cs, so she convinces the guy to sue for full custody - and they got it!
In my case, if I didn't have my son a majority of the time, I would be better able to get back into my career and make better money that I do now. The career I left is not very family friendly. I have a special needs child that needs a lot from his mom and dad - I just can't see trying to get back into a stressful career and having to hire a babysitter all the time in order to be able to do it.
I didn't ask for spousal support even though my career was basically gone because I'd been a stay-at-home mom for quite awhile. I felt that my ex had done some really awful things, I was very afraid of him and I just wanted out. I wonder now if he is really as bad as I thought back then - I was so emotional that it was hard to see things clearly.
Questions - lots of questions and no answers. I figure I just need to be patient and see how things play out. Meanwhile - I need to be the best mom I can for my kiddo.
Thanks again!