The doubts start to creep in!
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|Wed, 08-13-2014 - 10:29am|
I finally, after almost 6 months of being separated and making the decision that divorce IS the right answer, went to talk to my DH 2 days ago and tell him I'm ready to move ahead and contact a lawyer. I tried to keep minimal contact with him over these months and to be honest, I'm doing just fine for the most part. Do I miss him? Of course. Do I miss some of the things we had and our little "family unit"? I do. But as I said, I've been ok and enjoying the freedom....enjoy the drama free days and have been working on myself and getting to know myself better. I felt so sure of the decision. Then when I talk to him though, it screws with my head.
This is our 2nd separation in the 5 years we've been married. Logic would say- end it...it's not going to end up in a good direction. But when I see him and I hear him talk about the "good" that was between us, a part of me really feels like there is/was something special between us. We are 2 people very similar in a lot of good ways. There are many good traits about him that I love. However, there are many not so good traits that I can and could never seem to learn to deal with and accept which is what always brings me back to this point. Our relationship also lacks respect...more so on my end towards him. I don't respect and admire him as I would want to feel towards my husband. In many ways, he hasn't grown up. He's very emotionally immature...often can't control his reactions/emotions...is very needy....has a "victim" attitude and seeks pity...always needs praise and recognition- even for the smallest things (which makes me often feel like his actions aren't genuine, they're just for that praise). I so often thought to myself if I had a child with him, it would really just be gaining another and I'd have 2. I hardly ever viewed him as an equal. In many ways, I feel I've grown and changed but yet, his growth is stunted in many ways. He also has a lot of family issues (don't we all!) that he just suppresses and has for the past 20 years. I know those ghosts are part of his stunted growth and he's never been interested in seeking therapy on his own to try to heal. So, in so many ways…I feel we're both unhealthy (I'm trying to better myself) as is the relationship all together.
With all that being said, there's still something inside that questions and wonders if I’m ready to let him go. It's so hard to imagine this really being IT and him not being in my life. The crazy thing too is that after we reconciled after the first separation about 2 years ago, things DID change and get better. We started to communicate better and have more fun together. When it came to sex though, I was still so far out of reach. It just wasn’t there. There’s that spark that’s missing that separates us from husband and wife to best friends.
The other part of me says about him- WHY IS HE STILL HOLDING ON??? I have put this man through the ringer, even before we were married (even cancelled our wedding the first time around). But yet- here he is, still waiting and holding on and hoping we can get back together (again!) and make this work. That's when I say to myself "wow...does he love me THAT much? I just don't know what to think! He’s my first love and as I said, I do feel there IS something special about US. In a lot of ways, we just GET each other, he gets me and we mesh well together. And then in many other ways, we clash. Certainly if it's the latter, that's even more of a reason why I should just stick with the decision to divorce because I want better for myself and for my future kids (God willing).