Dreading what's to come

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-02-2003
Dreading what's to come
4
Thu, 04-20-2006 - 10:54am

Hi all,

Well, I think it's pretty clear to me that I am unhappy in my marriage and that after giving it all I have for 4 years, I'm think I'm done. Now, the ominous task of telling H that I'm done. It's soo hard to even contemplate, but things are not going to change...I've given it plenty of time to 'sort out', and I'm wasting my breath and time.

H loves me, I love him. But the stress that we've been through has taken a tremendous toll on me. I think it has him too, but I can't speak for him. All I know is that it seems that we have to make an effort not to fight. He snaps at me, threatens me with divorce, and is just plan rude and disrespectful at times. I can't take it anymore. Appologies are empty after awhile, and I really don't want to keep hurting, everytime he cuts me with his words.

I'm not perfect, but I don't deserve to be spoken to the way he speaks to me, whether he's mad at me or not. And he's gotten in the habbit of putting blame on me for things that are really his responsibilty to take care of....this really aggrivates me. It seems like he's trying to intimidate me in a way. All it does is make me angry. He's quit listening to reason in some instances....I don't understand where he's coming from.

Right now, we are not fighting, and I hate to rock the boat. But I know we are bound to get in another argument where it will get ugly, from his side. I don't know when it's best to tell him that I'm done...now, when everything is calm or wait until the next blowout and call him on his bluff of divorce...but mean it.

I'm just dreading the emotional roller coaster that will come with actually going through the divorce. The finacnial implications are great too...these fears are what has kept me still for quite sometime...not to mention I keep holding out for something to change. What is the best way to start the ball rolling? I don't want to fight with him, I don't want to hurt him (which is impossible). I feel like such a failure, for the second time. It's makes me so sad....but I know that this is not how a marraige should be. Something's very wrong with him...he has so much inside that is eating him up, yet I'm powerless to help. He turns to alcohol to escape, which has become a big problem.

Anyway, any words of advice? I could use a lot of support...it's goig to be hard...it's breaking my heart just writing this.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Thu, 04-20-2006 - 11:41am

issuesongoing...

2 questions from Pianoguy:

1. Does your husband use the "I'm going to divorce you" line as leverage for his anger, or does he REALLY MEAN IT? How many times has he brought the subject up?

and

2. Would YOU be happier without him in your life? If you count on him financially, you're going to have to make a major adjustment...even if you're awarded some form of spousal support!

There's no way to avoid "an emotional rollercoaster" (your term) once the divorce process has begun. Some couples can try to be 'civil' to one another...but others will often go ballistic because of all the stress!!! So you might want to consult with a legal expert regarding the least painful way to proceed? Not knowing how complicated your financial situation is, I can't really comment. But it's clear that the 4 years you've been together...along with his attitude...are your 'cues' to get the ball rolling?

You can always consider 'marriage counselling' first...but I doubt your husband will agree to it?

Pianoguy

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-02-2003
Thu, 04-20-2006 - 11:59am

Pianoguy,

In response:

1. I would say that he uses the "Divorce card" as leverage...he claims he doesn't mean it afterwards. However, when it's said, probably, 10 times in the last 2 months, one begins to wonder if he means it. Regardless whether he means it or not, it is so hurtful and I just don't want to deal with it anymore.

2. I am financially independant...I make more than he does. I actually supported him for 3.5 years of unemployment. He only recently went back to work. I've posted about that whole mess in the past, so I won't get into it now. But we just moved and bought a new house, 7 months ago. This move was my last ditch effort to help him get on his feet. We will loose our shirts selling the house this soon. I would NEVER take support from him or anyone else...I think that's rediculous...and I don't need it. I will survive just fine, but it's going to be a huge mess intitally, splitting everything up.

Marriage counceling is out. He would not go, nor do I think it would help. And honestly, I'm really not into it myself at this point. He would have to give up his crutch, alcohol, and I think that would scare him more than getting a divorce.

I'm done asking him to sacrifice for me...I don't want him or anyone else to have to 'sacrifice' something so important to them, just for my sake. He is who he is...if I don't like it, then I can leave. That's what essentially he's told me. So, there you have it.

I can see life beyond, but it's difficult to think about...hard to see beyond the pain right now.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-19-2003
Thu, 04-20-2006 - 3:46pm

It's pretty obvious that you're both unhappy (or not as blissful as a married couple should be)!


Karen ~ wildlucky4me ~

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-15-2006
Thu, 04-20-2006 - 8:38pm

I'm just a little farther ahead of you on this pathway...maybe I can give you a few things to consider.

If nothing else these lyrics turned on the lights for me.

"I TRIED SO HARD, AND GOT SO FAR, BUT IN THE END IT DIDN'T REALLY MATTER"
Linkin Park

There are many others who have gone ahead of me on this road to,"being single" and they helped me, so I feel that I have an obligation to look over my shoulder and help the people coming along behind me. If anything I say helps, then just promise to guide the person behind you, even if it's just to hold the lamp a little higher for them to see the way...OK?

So here here it goes.

1) You have been given a single life to live, that's it, you get to do this once. 40-50 years from now there will be no customer service counter to walkup to and say "I'd like my years back please, I didn't have a good time"

2) At least try counseling. It's awkward at first, it helps, it doesn't always "save the marraige", it didn't save mine, but the damage had all been done before we got that far anyway. In the end, a good counselor will not tell you what to do, but they will help you find the answer that is within you. That answer is within you right now, as you read this, you only need to uncover it to know what you must do.

3) Your son will learn most of everything he will ever know about male-female relationships from observing you and your H. If he takes on all of his fathers bad relationship traits...what will you tell your son's wife someday when she come to you asking for help and understanding with your own son? What if your son came to you 25-30 years from now asking for help? How will you undo the misconceptions of what a relationship and marraige should be for them? This is more then just you alone.

4) The move from married to single is not one giant mountain to be climbed in a day. That's the good news. It is a seris of individual challenges and yea sometimes battles to be dealt with, more good news, it gets easier and you get stronger.

5) When it comes time to deliver the news to H, speak in terms of how you feel. Use the words "I feel" as much as you can. Don't say "you this" or "you that". On that day, it is going to be 'all about you'. But, when you say you are leaving, you must leave. No threats, no giving in, and staying, because if you do, you will find it 100 x harder to do it again, and you will have no credibility the second time. Prepare ahead of time, money, car keys in your pocket (really), place to go, kids out for the weekend, whatever, have a plan and follow through step by step.

6) It's hard to leave someone you like. It's harder to leave someone you love. But, and here's the reality check...some people can never ever change. Look for a book called "Uncoupling" it's about leaving relationships, it's very good.
You might also try "Too good to leave, to bad to stay" I might have that reversed, ask any clerk in a book store, they'll know the book.

6a) Don't be deceived by the "not fighting right now" times. They are like bad peace treaties right now. The fact that you know it's just a period of "not fighting" and not a case of the problem having been fixed, should tell you that it's just a matter of time before the next conflict. Fooling yourself in this way could cost you years of pain, only to end up in divoce later....but older. I did, don't you. Not leaving leaving sooner is my only regret in life, so many wonderful young women married other guys while I rotted away.

6b) When you leave, visualize yourself as having just run out of a burning house, would you ever consider going back in? No. Don't look back. Even if you feel the metaphorical chill, and need to warm-up, going back into a burning building is not how you warm up....just keep walking. It gets beter. Some days suck...some days suck out loud! It's a journey....keep walking, don't look back, don't sit down, don't go back...keep walking.

7) Lastly, know this...........you will find friends you thought you never had, people you hardly knew, total strangers who will help you, they will extend a hand and give good advice, tips, tricks or just start your car in the morning, they'll lend you $100.00, they'll pick your kids up from school. Don't be afraid to tell someone, even stranger that you are going through a divorce.
There are many people like myself who have gone ahead of you who will help, we just need to know you need the help, you just need to say something. These people may have watched their mothers, sisters, brothers suffer and will gladly help you on your journey.

If you reach the decision to leave, you will survive, it will get better everyday.

If this helps at all, look back and help someone else when you can.