DS 1st haircut - Me, Ex and the GF there
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| Mon, 05-15-2006 - 1:16pm |
Friday I called ex and asked him what he thought about getting ds haircut. He agreed and we agreed to meet at the barber shop at 10am. Now way back when I would have wanted an experience like this to be between us. Since it is our son. But I was expecting gf to be there. Well sure enough she was. When we saw ex she was still in the car, ds went over to him, ex picked him up, she was talking to him. I stayed away from the car. She snapped a picture of him. Ex walks over and asks about taking him to his barber. I said I dont have time to go there. He says do you want to come with us. What f'ing planet is he own. I simply said no, lets just stick to what we planned and do it at this barber shop. Like I would want to be in the car with them, picture me sitting in the back seat and him and her in the front. Jesus.
She gets out, she smiles and knods her head hello, I smile and say hello. We get there and 1 guy is ahead of us so were waiting. I kept my cool. She goes to the store, we exchange brief conversation about what kind of cut to get. She calls him, he answers "hi babe" same thing he used to say to me, I just cringed inside. I didnt let it show though. She gets back, they call ds. They're talking and Im just standing there. It felt really weird. She's snapping pictures of him. Then she tells him that "Angela asked her how DS was and she told her fine" this is some girl she works with that he used to work with also. Who the f does she think she is. This isnt her son. It just made me sick but I just focused on ds. I was going to see a movie and had to leave before the cut was over so I said well I gotta go I'll see you guys later, gave ds a kiss and left. I took a deep breath when I got outside.
This was a big deal for me, the first time to be in a situation like this. The 3 of us present for something going on for ds. I dont see why she had to be there but I handled it graciously, that Im proud of. But it did hurt a bit. I never thought I'd be able to handle something like this but I did. When things were coming up with ds in the past I would ask him to let it be something that the three of us could share and ofcourse he would act like a jerk about it. This time I didnt dare ask for that and Im sure he was expecting me to. So even though I was expecting her to be there you never know exactly how you will feel until you actually go through it. This one I came out on top. Towards the end I had my hands in my pocket and pinched myself a couple of times because it was getting to me a little and I just said a little prayer thinking it's almost over with.
But here's the thing with him I dont get. He calls me later that day to say he wanted to bring over ds bike he bought him b/c he'll get more use out of it with me. I agreed and said okay. Then he asks me if I ever got back the car seat we bought ds when we were together. I said why, dont you have one. He says yes then says how he dont want me losing the bike like I did the car seat. I said how am I gonna lose a bike? He says well what happened to the car seat. I said that is irrelvant, you have one, why talk about something thats over and done with. He was arguing with me still about the damn car seat. I said I see you want to argue and Im not going to. Are you bringing the bike or not? He still goes on and on about the car seat and how if he leaves the bike with me he wants to be able to get it back if he wants to use it with ds etc. He dont have no money to waste and so on. I said look I gave you my word that it wont be a problem. When I told you I'd give you extra time with ds i did didnt I. He says "whoopty doo". Then he says forget it he's not bringing the bike. I said keep your damn bike and hung up. He got to me. He can such an ungrateful s.o.b. I didnt have to give him that extra time but I was trying to be nice. What pisses me off with him is it's like once he gets what he wants then it's to hell with you and he acts like the extra time was no big deal. I could have been a B***H about it and flat out said NO! Sorry, I just needed to get that out. He drops ds off, no problems.
Then sunday which was Mother's Day, in the back of my mind I wondered if he'd even acknowledge me but told myself he wont so dont dare expect it. He arrived empty handed ofcourse and I wasnt surprised. He spoke THEN.... pulled out an envelope from his back pocket and gave it to ds and told him to give it to Mommy. It took a bit of time getting it from ds as he thought it was for him LOL. He gave me a card, the front said I love you Mommy and it was a heart with a pic of ds in the middle. It was great, there were flowers that were stuck on the card, and it was colored in some areas and he wrote I guess with his hand to mommy love jaylen, it bought tears to me eyes, and he said happy mother's day. I didnt let the tears fall in front of him. That I wasnt expecting. Later that evening he brings the bike. I just dont know what's up with this man. He called me twice after he left about stuff with ds and that was that. Sorry it's so long but.... geez what a weekend.

Yes, you did!! I am so proud of you. I know it's a very difficult situation, but you handled it with grace and dignity. Hold your head high, girl! This could be the beginning of a peaceful time.
Follow me to my partner in the siggy exchange....
Yeah girl, it was really hard but I knew making a scene would only upset ds and ex and I have done enough of that.
But what do you make of him calling me back later and arguing about the car seat and bike, then bringing the bike anyway and giving me the great card. It's like he'll be a jerk, then show a side of decency. I dont get it. Maybe he was shocked that I didnt complain she was there. Why do the back and forth crap? Why does he still have to do things to get a rise out of me.
Don't engage him in arguing, let him rant...and then say "so are you bringing the bike or not?" and then if he starts ranting...you know put the phone down go make a sandwich while he's ranting about how you lose things blah blah blah and then come back and when he has taken a breath long enough to get a word in say, okay well a friend is here, so I guess I'll see you when you bring the bike by, see you later. LOL
Don't even engage in an argument...let him rant, go make a sandwich...don't engage.
Yay!!!!! You did so well!!!!! STBX doesn't bring his gf anytime we're doing anything that has to do with the boys. For some reason he's afraid I'll make a scene, he actually asked me once if I saw them together out somewhere if I was going to beat her up!!! That is TOTALLY not me and he knows it. So, even though this woman is around my children, he won't let me meet her at all even though I've asked to. I think part of him is still embarrassed that he left his two sons and preggo wife for her. Oh well, that's his issue, not mine. I honestly don't know how I'd handle this whole thing if I were in that situation. I'd *hope* to handle it as well as you did. I'm sure it must be hard to see this other woman in your ds's life. however, it does sound as though she loves your DS. Try to think of it that way, that the gf is just one more person to give your DS love. When my boys come home and the oldest tells me all the stuff they did with dad and his gf it KILLS me! That should be ME, that is MY FAMILY, NOT HERS!!!! But, then I just have to remind myself of the fact that it's one more person to love them. It doesn't make it all go away, but it's better than just hurting.
On the whole bike thing, he was trying to get you to argue with him. I agree with a PP, just ask him straight nout if he's bringing the bike or not. If he goes on and on about the car seat then just say that you'll talk to him when he's ready to say whether or not he's bringing th ebike over.
I've got to tell you, Samantha, I love your advice and observations! I think initially, it's almost impossible to look your STBXs/Exs love interest in the eye and have anything but contempt for them. But you bring up and excellent point...these are additional people to care for our children. In the end, it's probably not such a bad thing. Of course, we all want to think, "This man/woman doesn't deserve to be around my children!!!" But honestly, if they treat them well and honestly care for them...it can't be all bad.
Follow me to my partner in the siggy exchange....
Good question! But I think that the two of you have made really good progress in terms of communicating, so I would just forget about this one. Even ex couples that get along very well have unpleasant exchanges from time to tome.
Follow me to my partner in the siggy exchange....
It sounds like things went very well.... yea!
If he brings up the bike thing again, I would just tell him... you are going to take reasonable action to take care of it, but things do happen, and if he's uncomfortable with you having the bike, then perhaps he should keep it at his place.
Karen ~ wildlucky4me ~