ds first overnight with stbx and ow...

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-02-2006
ds first overnight with stbx and ow...
1
Sun, 06-24-2007 - 10:26am
I have been dreading this day since the plans were made for it back in January. DS, 5-1/2 is going on his first overnight with his dad...a previous attempt was made in February, but ds wigged out and stbx had to bring him home...so this is the "summer vacation" week from hell that stbx, his ho, her spawn and my stbx mil are going on...stbx fil, didn't show, he is not approving of the whole, "left your wife, knocked someone else up and living in sin" kinda thing that my stbx is living...anyway, ds is scared to death, doesn't want to go, he's never been away from both me and my mom ever...he's always had either one or the other of us around. I have been trying to reassure him that he'll have fun, but he just doesn't want to go.
Stbx is picking him up at 2:30 today and bringing him back 2:30 on Saturday...how I am going to do this all week with the worrying if he is ok, if he's eating, if he's sleeping, if stbx is watching him at the shore?
How did you guys do it the first time your kids left for a week with a spouse that was not an active parent while in the marriage and now that he's gone....well, the doubts are still there...I just need some pointers on how to cope, any ideas?
Thanks for anything you can give me...
Lisa
iVillage Member
Registered: 11-22-2001
Sun, 06-24-2007 - 1:24pm

My kids have never been gone with their father for a week....but this past December, they started going over night (they are now 13 and 11).

What I would do in your situation is: remember that your stbx is still your sons father. He has a right to a relationship with his dad. Let him know when he'll be coming home-maybe get a calendar for him (print one online) and mark the days. Call him every night to see how he is-did he have fun? What did he do? etc. Make sure he has your telephone number to call whenever he wants. If need be, go buy a cheap pay as you go phone for your son to use to call you. They arent expensive. Show him how to use it-program your # in it. Dont' bad mouth your stbx or any of the people he's going with-that will scare your DS. When you talk to him, sound excited for him.....

You should talk to your ex and tell him your expectations (ie, DS can and will be allowed to call you whenever he wants, etc).

I know this is SO hard for you. My kids were with me 24/7 from day 1 (with the exception of overnights at my moms). But, I have recently realized that I never gave my ex a chance to be a dad...sure, he had plenty of opportunities and blew them....But now that I've kind of forced him to being the father and being responsible, he's doing OK.

Make sure you continue to teach your son right vs wrong. Teach him about choices and consequences....so that he wont emmulate his father. You will have the biggest influence on your son. You have the majority of time with him.

One more thing, make sure you son knows that he is not betraying you by going. Make sure he knows that it's OK to have fun wiht his dad. Your son is probably worried about making you mad if he has fun. He probably wont say this to you--but believe it, he's feeling it. He's afraid of hurting you if he: 1. goes with his dad, and 2. has fun with his dad, 3. ends up liking the girlfriend of his dad. My kids felt this. I tried to not put pressure on them and act excited for them, but they felt an alliance with me for their own reasons. They didnt want to hurt me. But they said "Mom, (dad's girlfriend) is nice". They said this with sadness in their voices. I told them "That is GREAT! I'm glad she is nice and treats you well". Was this hard? Yes! But now, almost a year after he resumed a position in their lives, she (the new wife now) IS good to my kids. That is all I ask for. And honestly, she is a nice person-I never gave her the chance in the past.

Try to look at this week as your son having MORE people to love him and take care of him. During this week, do things for YOU-that you wouldnt be able to do with your son there. Go out and have fun, let loose and relax!

Weekends for me just started 6 months ago-now I count down the time until they go with their dad. It gives me my much needed and deserved break and it gives the kids a chance to be with their dad and fix the broken bond between them. When your son is old enough, he WILL understand. He WILL understand the sacrifices you made for him. He WILL remember *who* was there for him the majority of time, he WILL continue to have a bond with you-even if his dad decides he now wants to be a dad.

You're a great mom. No one will EVER replace you. Your son KNOWS YOU are his mom. He will always love you no matter what. Try to embrace this week as a chance to regain you-relax, have fun, sleep, watch tv, Eat cereal for dinner, whatever!! Yes, you are going to miss him. After a few days, you will miss him so much it'll hurt. But remember-he'll be home soon!!!

Hope this helps!
HUGE hugs-try to enjoy your week!

Deb

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