DS going through a rough time

Avatar for susieyippin
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-07-2003
DS going through a rough time
7
Wed, 10-26-2005 - 10:42am

My youngest DS is really having a rough time lately... Screaming, swearing, destroying things in his room, anger... the other night he had his lamp taken away because he kept turning it on when he was supposed to be going to sleep. I took the lamp out (He'd already destroyed the shade previously), and put it outside his bedroom door, and took the bulb out. He comes out to the living room about 10 minutes later... in tears because he'd shocked himself my putting his finger in the bulb socket. Night before last, older DS pointed to the cord on the LR lamp. Someone (likely younger DS) had cut 1/2 way through the cord.

So, yesterday was younger DS's annual physical. I took his ped. aside, and told him aabout all this behavior, and that I was EXTREMELY worried. DS has also mentioned to me that there are people who live inside him and tell him what to do (he's 9 btw), and he has some imaginary friends. I tod the ped. about that, so he spoke with DS privately during the exam, and I went back in after. The ped. told me that it is normal to some degree to have imaginary friends, and so far the friends are not talking to DS in school. The ped. was going to call DS's counselor late yesterday afternoon, to give her a heads up on this latest behavior. DS & I see his counselor later today, so I will definitely speak with her about this behavior, as it has escalated significantly in the last week.

It has gotten so stressful around here with DS and his outbursts and tantrums about EVERYTHING. My older son is under huge amounts of stress as well, and my health issues are getting worse because of it. Younger DS has destroyed a lot of older DS's collectible toys, and with the light bulb and cord incidents, I'm very worried. I spoke with STBX about possibly having him take DS 3 or 4 days a week, and then we switch, just to ease some of the stress. He's all for it, and he's quite troubled about DS's behavior too. DS doesn't act up to the degree that he does here when he's at his father's. I don't like the thought of him going over to his father's, but I won't be able to function much longer in an effective way if I don't get some relief. My health care providers are quite concerned as well that I may have another adrenal relapse if I don't get some rest.

Personally, I think this is DS's way of showing that he's upset about us moving, and it's always gotten a reaction out of his father, so he's acting out. I just got a book about something called ODD-- Oppositional Defiant Disorder, and DS has all of the symptoms associated with this. I'll discuss it with DS's counselor, and see what we can do to ease the stress on him and all of us. I'll keep you all posted.

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-02-2003
Wed, 10-26-2005 - 2:22pm

hi and hugs. i am very sorry for this and hope you will keep us updated. my DS (he is 19 now) was also going thru a lot of issues before i got divorced - he still has a lot of problems but he is healing. slowly but surely. it was rough - he was suicidal, he was depressed, etc. you know - some kids are more sensitive than others, and react differently to stressful situations.

Avatar for susieyippin
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-07-2003
Wed, 10-26-2005 - 2:35pm

My younger DS has had a lot of issues with destroying his toys... it's been going on for years, and no one's been able to put a finger on why. My theory is that his father started having seriosu passive-aggressive behaviors, and drinking became more of an issue when DS was a toddler. DS saw his father behaving like a madman, and go stomping off, never apologized or was accountable for his actions (despite my trying to get STBX to get help), and this has been a major influence on his life and personality. DS was diagnosed with ADD last year, and the meds have not helped much at all.

I went to a court mandated seminar on parenting and divorce, and they spoke about passive-aggressive behaviors. I started looking online at info regarding PA, and found a site about kids and PA, and things began clicking. From that site, I found a book on kids and PA, then researching THAT book, I found a link to the ODD info site, and another book. I got that book from my library, and I swear, it could have been written about my son. I'm only 1/3 of the way through the book, but it's been so insightful. I don't want to label my son "he's XYZ this, or ABC that", but if he IS, he is. I'm hoping that the info in the book will help, and that we can teach him some skills to get through this. He hasn't ALWAYS been this violent-- only in the last year. Here's a description. Maybe it can help others dealing with this. :

"In children with Oppositional Defiant Disorder (ODD), there is an ongoing pattern of uncooperative, defiant, and hostile behavior toward authority figures that seriously interferes with the youngster's day to day functioning. Symptoms of ODD may include:

frequent temper tantrums
excessive arguing with adults
active defiance and refusal to comply with adult requests and rules
deliberate attempts to annoy or upset people
blaming others for his or her mistakes or misbehavior
often being touchy or easily annoyed by others
frequent anger and resentment
mean and hateful talking when upset
seeking revenge

The symptoms are usually seen in multiple settings, but may be more noticeable at home or at school. Five to fifteen percent of all school-age children have ODD. The causes of ODD are unknown, but many parents report that their child with ODD was more rigid and demanding than the child's siblings from an early age. Biological and environmental factors may have a role."

Avatar for susieyippin
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-07-2003
Wed, 10-26-2005 - 8:48pm

UPDATE:

Went to the counselor's with DS today. His counselor did confirm that DS has all 8 of the 8 major symptoms of ODD, and only 4 positives will get the diagnosis. It MAY be transitional, and it can coexist with the ADD. At least I knwo what it is, so I can learn about it.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-19-2003
Thu, 10-27-2005 - 10:37am

I'm glad that you mentioned that he has ADD..... iVillage has a great support board for ADD/ADHD Teens and Adults.


Karen ~ wildlucky4me ~

Avatar for susieyippin
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-07-2003
Thu, 10-27-2005 - 1:05pm

Hi Karen,

Thanks for the info about the ADD board. I was looking around for it, and I wasn't able to locate it for some reason. Anyway, I'll check it out. :-)

SusieY

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-02-2004
Thu, 10-27-2005 - 1:19pm

Gosh I'm sorry he's going through so much emotional trauma right now. I just wanted to send you a cyber "attagirl" for being so observant and pro-active about helping him out. He's lucky to have a mom who will work to help him instead of just punish bad behavior. I'll bet he's not deliberately causing trouble, if it's an identifiable psych. disorder, then he needs more than a time-out or grounding and good for you for seeking professional assistance. I hope he starts feeling better very soon. Good for Dad, too, for being willing to help out.

Cupcake

Avatar for susieyippin
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-07-2003
Thu, 10-27-2005 - 1:39pm

Hi Cupcake,

It's been hard, but I'm just trying to understand the problem, so we can work on it. I told STBX about the book that I got from the library about ODD, and he's interested in it-- to an extent-- he always tries to personalize everything, and reflect on how he's been such a wonderful guy, etc. I told him that it's very probable that he, older DS & I will need to adjust how we deal with younger DS, so that we don't end up enabling the behavior. STBX goes for the parenting class this weekend, and I suggested to him that he might want to take the doc giving the seminar aside, and tell him that he has a son who was recently diagnosed with ADD/ODD, and could he suggest any websites or literature. STBX was open to the idea, so I'm keeping my fingers crossed.