Earlier or Later?

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-18-2006
Earlier or Later?
4
Tue, 11-27-2007 - 6:58pm

When is best to do this?

I have girls 9 & 12.

He verbally abuses us all- but at times can be so wonderful -

I'm wondering if I should break now - or when they're 18.

Don't know that divorcing will remove THEIR verbal abuse --- at the same time I think I could survive til 18 with HIM!




Edited 11/27/2007 7:01 pm ET by picketyfence
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-12-2007
Tue, 11-27-2007 - 7:09pm

Everyone has to make their own decision here, but if FWIW, I say now... number one... staying together for the kids is likely to make things more miserable for those who are doing it... number two... right now, your girls are learning big lessons about life--including how boys and men should treat them... is your h modeling behavior that you want your girls to think is "normal"?


Remember that verbal abuse is still abuse... it may not be physical black and blue marks, but that doesn't mean that it doesn't leave its scars... Contact the National Domestic Violence Hotline at 800-799-7233 to get some advice about getting out and divorcing someone who is abusive--this is a special case and they can help you find the help you need.

 


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iVillage Member
Registered: 03-19-2003
Wed, 11-28-2007 - 8:33am
I agree with Julie.... sure, things "can be" wonderful, but that doesn't mean that you have to take it when they're not.

Karen ~ wildlucky4me ~

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-18-2006
Wed, 11-28-2007 - 9:24am

Thanks.
I pretty much gave him the ultimatum on Sun nite.
Shape up, or I'm ready to go -
and chances are, I'd get the kids, right?
Weird thing is -
I don't think he realizes he's been verbally, emotionally abusing us.
I've been so submissive for so long -
but I have been assuming that he understands & meant to abuse us.
He has trouble seeing intangible stuff I think.
I finally got him to go to counseling last week & he kept insisting this was not about him. I think he's been thinking only physical abuse.
With his yelling & screaming at them this weekend, I decided we just can not go on like this.
Having been working with a therapist a few weeks now - she's made it clear that she is on the verge of callind DFACS if he does not stop. Also, the school is aware.
I enlightened him on Sun nite & I think it was a wakeup call.
I also told him he HAS to get help for his anger & depression- of course, the typical male ego made him say he doesn't have a prob, but he does.
He's been pretty good since I've laid down the ultimatum. Of course, I expect a response, but his ego may not let him verbalize to me that I may be right & he needs to change?

I hope & pray he can rein it in - or I think I'll have to leave - praying for strength if I have to do that. Mostly my kids motivate me - I hate to see them verbally & emotionally abused mostly. The physical abuse has been minor.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-19-2003
Wed, 11-28-2007 - 9:31am

"I also told him he HAS to get help for his anger & depression"


That means.... HE needs to be making the calls by his own conscience to get help... not at your insistence, not because you called to make the appointments.... NO WAVERING on your part to give him any more chances.


And since the counselor is considering making the call to DFACS.... that should be a wake-up call to YOU that this is serious, and that if you let him slide another time, yes.... YOU could be labeled as the "enabler" who kept subjecting your kids to this when you knew better.


Karen ~ wildlucky4me ~