Easy Come... Easy Go...
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| Mon, 05-22-2006 - 10:08pm |
Well, first of all, let me start by saying that Joey really enjoyed his weekend with his father... they had a great day together and xh was, accorinding to my xmil, slow to leave this time, spending lots of extra time with Joey just talking and being father and son... which is really cool...
But (I know you saw it coming...) my xh is preparing to get married in October... he told me a couple of weeks ago and I am fine with it... I hope it works out better for them than, well, you know... but one thing that concerned me when he told me about the wedding was that he never mentioned Joey at all...
Now, I truly try to take the high road and that means that I choose not to have certain conversations, especially when I feel they would fall on deaf ears, but this weekend, after he left, I was talking to my xmil and asked her about Joey and the wedding... she told me that when she asked xh about the exact thing, she was informed that there would be no children at the wedding... to which she responded something along the lines, of, but Joey isn't just a child, he's YOUR child... but then xh apparently went into a long line of excuses and reasons why Joey wasn't being included... xmil admitted that she could hear pieces of xh's gf in the entire conversation...
I have to say that I had feared that her influence was not making it easier on xh to spend time with Joey... there for a while, pre-separation, pre-divorce, xh and I and this chick went out a couple of times... she was in the process of divorcing and mentioned on a couple of occaisions that she didn't want to "do the step-mom thing."... OK, no problem in my mind... just don't get involved with someone with children--after all, it is on my list of qualifiers for the future when I do start dating... if it gets to a certain point, any man that I bring into my life will have to accept Joey as his own and love him as his own... or it won't work between us... the reason why I mention hearing this from her is just so you know I've heard it directly from her...
To top it off, xh and new chick are getting married at Disney... Now, I can't imagine going to Disney and not taking the kidlets... chick's mom is apparently paying for the entire thing, including for xmil's hotel and all that...
I know I can't control others actions... and I know that it will be what it will be... I have told xmil to just let me know if Joey will need to be traveling around the time of the wedding, so that I can get him prepared... I do not plan on mentioning it to xh as I feel it is easily one conversation where I could get emotional... In my opinion, Joey should be there... bottom line... I can't imagine getting re-married without my own son being there and feel that it is a slap in Joey's face...
xmil commented almost like he has this brand new life in this new city and every now and then, he chooses to come back and visit the old life and his family... I equate it to the whole, he plays Dad when he wants to... and then puts Joey back into his box until he's ready to play again... 3, 6 or 9 months later...
I don't know where I'm going here... I cannot change their minds, but there is a part of me that cannot believe that there are people who actually cause larger wedges to form between people and their children... in my xh's case, he's never been super dad... but having a "don't want to play step mom" thing tells me that she wants nothing to do with Joey... now, that's fine, but Joey DOES exist... and down the road, it makes me wonder if summer vacation visitation and other things such as that will even happen... I tend to doubt it...
I would hope that xh would stand up for his child... wanting him at the wedding, wanting to have him visit him, wanting to see him on holidays, wanting to be more a part of his life... not that I should be all that surprised when he doesn't... but if a child's own father won't, what the heck is wrong with them... it really is a sad state, isn't it?
Anyway, so I'm a bit disheartened about all of this... xmil was even worried that I would be mad if she went to the wedding... I assured her that I wouldn't be... just to make sure that she brought Joey back a souvenir... Joey will never know the difference... he'll never hear any of this from me, which is why I'm typing it all out, as a way to purge this from my inner thoughts... If you've made it this far, thanks for reading... xmil says she is going to continue to try to get Joey involved (at least so he can go to Disney for a couple of days with Dad... I mean, that would be amazing... they have child care at the hotel they'll be staying at, so that's not an issue, for the wedding and reception)...
Again, like the bigger message I'm hearing from work, I don't like the bigger message that not including Joey is definitely sending...
*hugs*
Julie

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Oh Julie... I CANNOT IMAGINE getting remarried and not including my kids... just can't even imagine it.
I'm glad that Joey has you!... but you're right.
Karen ~ wildlucky4me ~
If I was getting remarried (and the reception would include a snowball fight in Hell.....) and my husband-to-be said, "I don't want any kids at the wedding...including YOUR kids," you can be sure that there would be NO wedding at all! Seriously, how on earth can you go to Disney and not take your own child???!!!!! How could you not want to see his little eyes light up when he first sees Mickey?!!! And I bet Joey would make the most handsome little ring-bearer ever!
The scary thing to me is that I can totally see my ex doing this. Last year he spent every holiday with The Skank and her family. I told him that he was welcome to take the boys with him, or even one of them if he didn't feel he could keep up with all three of them. His response was, "But that wouldn't be FUN!" He's gone away on several vacations, two really big ones, but has never taken his children anywhere other than to his parents who live about 2 hours away. Now he's moving several hours away because The Skank graduated and is moving back home and he's following her like a sick puppy. Odd thing is, when we were together he would have NEVER done anything like that. The boy had a freggin' backbone! He had no problem standing up to me and I found that to be a GOOD thing! I wouldn't want a man that I could just walk all over! And what kind of woman dates a man that just walked away from three little boys and rarely sees them??? Obviously, one just like The Skank! I just feel so awful for my boys. They HATE being with their dad and The Skank and always come back very sad and angry. I'm afraid that this might be due to the fact that perhaps they feel unwanted.
Sorry to hear about all that. I feel that my stbx's girlfriend has a big say in how much interaction he has with myself and our daughter. It's pretty sad that they let these women come between them and their flesh and blood. It's easy to say it's the ex's loss, but it's our kids loss too and that hurts us.
I hope that things all work our for the best. I'm sure I'll be going through this same thing one day. I fear my daughters future step-mom will continue to control my ex and cause him to lose out on so many things with our daughter. He barely calls and doesn't visit so far. He once promised he'd visit every other weekend and call everyday. Now his days and nights are consumed by his #1 girl...his GIRLFRIEND.
Hugs to you, I wish I had some advice...
Mel
I agree with that. It's one thing if you're having a ring-exchange ceremony at city hall, but to not include yur child in
Julie, I am so sorry to hear your ex is behaving that way. I can imagine it is just breaking your heart to be able to forsee how Joey is going to be treated (or not treated). I don't have any advice to offer, except that having been a child on the receiving end of what your son is getting, I was happy to have my father's family there when they could be.
This is just generally speaking though. I have no idea of your relationship with his family, but it sounds like his mother gets it that her "boy" is an arse.
Take care of yourself and Joey. Your son will be okay with or without his dad because he has a good mother who is doing everything in her power to take the best possible care of him.
Thanks Karen... I appreciate your support as always :)
Yeah, this is one conversation that I just will not have. I let go of that aspect a long time ago--for my mental sanity. MIL is wonderful and knows that my concerns come from having Joey's best interests at heart. I do hope that she will eventually be able to talk some sense into him, but let me just say that I'm not holding my breath...
In the meantime, I know that she is as heartbroken as I am about her own son's choices regarding Joey.
*hugs*
Julie
Hey Samantha...
It's really scary isn't it? I swear xh treats Joey like a toy that he can take out and put away whenever he feels like it/chick allows it... And as much credit as I try to give him, for coming to his graduation, it has really been dampened by this conversation and the reality of the situation.
I think I'll try to start planning a small little fun weekend for Joey that weekend... whether its a trip to the zoo in town, or perhaps up to the TN Aquarium (KAREN!), or to the US Space & Rocket Center, I think I'll try to take him on a day trip that weekend, to make sure that, if he's not involved (not that he'll know), but he'll have something to do that he loves and will look forward to... yeah, I think that's going to be the direction I need to take on that one...
*hugs* It just plain sucks sometimes, doesn't it?
Julie
I completely agree with you here... my xil's have had issues with some of the decisions their son has made ever since we separated (and perhaps before)... and while some of the bridges that had burned have been mended a bit, this certainly isn't helping anything...
Yes, I am glad to be rid of him... I deserve better than him, but at the same time, the one place where the divorce, etc. really still breaks my heart is the way xh treats Joey...
I could tell in speaking with her on Sunday, that she was truly upset about the situation as well... she wants the best for all involved... for all of us, but especially Joey.
*hugs*
Julie
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