Easy Come... Easy Go...

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Registered: 03-26-2003
Easy Come... Easy Go...
25
Mon, 05-22-2006 - 10:08pm

Well, first of all, let me start by saying that Joey really enjoyed his weekend with his father... they had a great day together and xh was, accorinding to my xmil, slow to leave this time, spending lots of extra time with Joey just talking and being father and son... which is really cool...

But (I know you saw it coming...) my xh is preparing to get married in October... he told me a couple of weeks ago and I am fine with it... I hope it works out better for them than, well, you know... but one thing that concerned me when he told me about the wedding was that he never mentioned Joey at all...

Now, I truly try to take the high road and that means that I choose not to have certain conversations, especially when I feel they would fall on deaf ears, but this weekend, after he left, I was talking to my xmil and asked her about Joey and the wedding... she told me that when she asked xh about the exact thing, she was informed that there would be no children at the wedding... to which she responded something along the lines, of, but Joey isn't just a child, he's YOUR child... but then xh apparently went into a long line of excuses and reasons why Joey wasn't being included... xmil admitted that she could hear pieces of xh's gf in the entire conversation...

I have to say that I had feared that her influence was not making it easier on xh to spend time with Joey... there for a while, pre-separation, pre-divorce, xh and I and this chick went out a couple of times... she was in the process of divorcing and mentioned on a couple of occaisions that she didn't want to "do the step-mom thing."... OK, no problem in my mind... just don't get involved with someone with children--after all, it is on my list of qualifiers for the future when I do start dating... if it gets to a certain point, any man that I bring into my life will have to accept Joey as his own and love him as his own... or it won't work between us... the reason why I mention hearing this from her is just so you know I've heard it directly from her...

To top it off, xh and new chick are getting married at Disney... Now, I can't imagine going to Disney and not taking the kidlets... chick's mom is apparently paying for the entire thing, including for xmil's hotel and all that...

I know I can't control others actions... and I know that it will be what it will be... I have told xmil to just let me know if Joey will need to be traveling around the time of the wedding, so that I can get him prepared... I do not plan on mentioning it to xh as I feel it is easily one conversation where I could get emotional... In my opinion, Joey should be there... bottom line... I can't imagine getting re-married without my own son being there and feel that it is a slap in Joey's face...

xmil commented almost like he has this brand new life in this new city and every now and then, he chooses to come back and visit the old life and his family... I equate it to the whole, he plays Dad when he wants to... and then puts Joey back into his box until he's ready to play again... 3, 6 or 9 months later...

I don't know where I'm going here... I cannot change their minds, but there is a part of me that cannot believe that there are people who actually cause larger wedges to form between people and their children... in my xh's case, he's never been super dad... but having a "don't want to play step mom" thing tells me that she wants nothing to do with Joey... now, that's fine, but Joey DOES exist... and down the road, it makes me wonder if summer vacation visitation and other things such as that will even happen... I tend to doubt it...

I would hope that xh would stand up for his child... wanting him at the wedding, wanting to have him visit him, wanting to see him on holidays, wanting to be more a part of his life... not that I should be all that surprised when he doesn't... but if a child's own father won't, what the heck is wrong with them... it really is a sad state, isn't it?

Anyway, so I'm a bit disheartened about all of this... xmil was even worried that I would be mad if she went to the wedding... I assured her that I wouldn't be... just to make sure that she brought Joey back a souvenir... Joey will never know the difference... he'll never hear any of this from me, which is why I'm typing it all out, as a way to purge this from my inner thoughts... If you've made it this far, thanks for reading... xmil says she is going to continue to try to get Joey involved (at least so he can go to Disney for a couple of days with Dad... I mean, that would be amazing... they have child care at the hotel they'll be staying at, so that's not an issue, for the wedding and reception)...

Again, like the bigger message I'm hearing from work, I don't like the bigger message that not including Joey is definitely sending...

*hugs*

Julie

Avatar for momtojoeybear
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Registered: 03-26-2003
Tue, 05-23-2006 - 6:44am

Yeah, I cannot understand how someone can come between one and their child... but it happens and you're right, we're hurt because it hurts our children (or in my case, would hurt, if he knew)...

I will keep this from Joey as long as I can... but one day, from xmil or someone, Joey will see pictures and know this wedding happened at Disney and he'll also know that he wasn't there... I'll be there to support Joey when that day comes, but the hurt that I imagine he'll feel will not be good for the relationship with his father and I will be the first to say, call your father and talk to him about it...

I will try to shield him from the hurt while I can, but when the day comes when realizations are made, I will not make excuses for xh's behavior...

*hugs*

Julie

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Registered: 03-26-2003
Tue, 05-23-2006 - 6:46am

Thanks for the hugs Mel... they are appreciated!

*hugs*

Julie

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Registered: 03-26-2003
Tue, 05-23-2006 - 6:52am

Exactly my thoughts...

I don't see how someone who treats his children the way my xh treats Joey can be attractive to anyone for anything more than casual crap... I mean, what happens if this chick gets pregnant (now I've heard that they don't want children, and cool... good luck with that)... I mean, well, let me just say that I hope history will not repeat itself with another innocent child.

xh has red flags all over him as far as I'm concerned... does not want to be involved in child's life, does not take responsibility for his child (even just by paying child support), and those are just the two biggest ones I see... but we breathe in and breathe out and somehow make it through...

and yes, I am thankful every day for the family support that Joey and I both have... my xil's, even though they are x are still very much a part of our lives. xmil said before the divorce was finalized that I would always be her dil... it was so sweet. And even though xh's choices have been less than admirable (aren't I being diplomatic this morning), I know that Joey gains so much by having xil's in his life that I can't imagine it any other way...

*hugs*

Julie

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Registered: 03-26-2003
Tue, 05-23-2006 - 7:03am

Thanks Gwen...

that is the truly heartbreaking part of it all... how Joey is being treated or ignored, as the case may be... and your words about having your father's family there really affirm my decision to keep them involved (and they want to be, no question) in Joey's life as he needs to know and be involved with his family even if his father has chosen to pretty much extract himself from Joey's life.

As for my relationship with his family, it is good... yes, there have been some strains (like when they found out that I filed for child support enforcement... and I wouldn't dream of telling them that xh's drivers license is suspended), but all in all it is good. We see them every weekend and talk several times a week outside of that...

xmil is aware of the bad decisions her son makes and feels stuck in the middle a lot of the time... I know when we were first separated, she felt much more stuck there... but at that point, it wasn't just about Joey... it was both Joey and I... but now, things have changed with time and she knows that it is all about Joey in my mind... I wouldn't take this guy who I affectionately call Jack (leaving off a syllable) back if I was paid all the money in the world...

I think she feels helpless, like I do at times, because she knows that Joes deserves so much more than he gets from his father... just simple things that he just doesn't get at this time... and when it comes to Joey, xmil is not the only one in the family who feels this way... xfil and an aunt feel similarly... we are all trying to do the best we can for Joey...

Thanks for your support... I can't tell you how much all of these posts have meant to me this morning!

*hugs*

Julie

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Registered: 03-19-2003
Tue, 05-23-2006 - 8:29am
I've got the dates penciled in.... just waiting on Debs to be sure she can get time off work and we'll make some reservations ;-)

Karen ~ wildlucky4me

Karen ~ wildlucky4me ~

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Registered: 03-26-2003
Tue, 05-23-2006 - 12:23pm

My ex got married last year-in a foreign country. Because the whole thing was a big huge rush (they only new each other about 4 months) my kids did not go to the wedding. In fact, they never even met their new stepmother until 8 months later. May DD (16) and DS (12) were extremely annoyed because their father told them specifically they would get to know whomever he married, and if they did not approve he would not do it. Supposedly they were going to have a ceremony in this country when she moves here. HAH! The marriage probably won’t even last that long!

I also remarried last year (not because my ex did). Although our wedding was impromptu ( backyard, cookout, pool & DJ (my new SIL)), my kids AND my new husband’s kids were an integral part of the day. They had an absolute blast. I would not have wanted it any other way.

I think your son should definitely be at the wedding. And, I wouldn’t dream of trying to keep my husband from his children. I can’t believe your ex is actually marrying someone who would.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-19-2003
Tue, 05-23-2006 - 1:32pm

Now see... that sounds like fun!


*If* I ever get remarried, it will be a very small, close friends and family.... AND MY KIDS... sort of thing.


Karen ~ wildlucky4me ~

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Registered: 04-19-2004
Tue, 05-23-2006 - 2:00pm

Uggh. You know I think it's disturbing for anyone to get involved with someone with children and to say "I don't want to raise anyone elses children" Or to say "I don't want to do the stepmom thing" Because quite frankly then DONT DATE SOMEONE WITH CHILDREN.

My exhusbands mother dated a guy who said the same thing. I don't want to raise anyone elses children and he drove her children right away and it f'd up my exhusband he has huge abandonment issues and I suspect its why he has cheated on all his girlfriends and me his wife because of it, why people who don't want to raise other peoples children get involved with men and women with children is beyond me.

And again, why would you get married at Disney and say No children allowed. SOOOO BIZARRE.

*sigh*

It's tragic that someone would choose to be with someone like this.

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Registered: 03-19-2003
Tue, 05-23-2006 - 2:11pm
This is my EX's mother..... when she's involved with a man, she practically is non-existent... too blissfully happy with her partnered life to see her kids, much less her grandkids.

Karen ~ wildlucky4me ~

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Registered: 03-26-2003
Tue, 05-23-2006 - 7:45pm

I wasn't talking about that trip... but I'm glad to hear we're penciled in for it... I'm thinking of an Octoberish trip, perhaps...

*hugs*

Julie