Easy Come... Easy Go...
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| Mon, 05-22-2006 - 10:08pm |
Well, first of all, let me start by saying that Joey really enjoyed his weekend with his father... they had a great day together and xh was, accorinding to my xmil, slow to leave this time, spending lots of extra time with Joey just talking and being father and son... which is really cool...
But (I know you saw it coming...) my xh is preparing to get married in October... he told me a couple of weeks ago and I am fine with it... I hope it works out better for them than, well, you know... but one thing that concerned me when he told me about the wedding was that he never mentioned Joey at all...
Now, I truly try to take the high road and that means that I choose not to have certain conversations, especially when I feel they would fall on deaf ears, but this weekend, after he left, I was talking to my xmil and asked her about Joey and the wedding... she told me that when she asked xh about the exact thing, she was informed that there would be no children at the wedding... to which she responded something along the lines, of, but Joey isn't just a child, he's YOUR child... but then xh apparently went into a long line of excuses and reasons why Joey wasn't being included... xmil admitted that she could hear pieces of xh's gf in the entire conversation...
I have to say that I had feared that her influence was not making it easier on xh to spend time with Joey... there for a while, pre-separation, pre-divorce, xh and I and this chick went out a couple of times... she was in the process of divorcing and mentioned on a couple of occaisions that she didn't want to "do the step-mom thing."... OK, no problem in my mind... just don't get involved with someone with children--after all, it is on my list of qualifiers for the future when I do start dating... if it gets to a certain point, any man that I bring into my life will have to accept Joey as his own and love him as his own... or it won't work between us... the reason why I mention hearing this from her is just so you know I've heard it directly from her...
To top it off, xh and new chick are getting married at Disney... Now, I can't imagine going to Disney and not taking the kidlets... chick's mom is apparently paying for the entire thing, including for xmil's hotel and all that...
I know I can't control others actions... and I know that it will be what it will be... I have told xmil to just let me know if Joey will need to be traveling around the time of the wedding, so that I can get him prepared... I do not plan on mentioning it to xh as I feel it is easily one conversation where I could get emotional... In my opinion, Joey should be there... bottom line... I can't imagine getting re-married without my own son being there and feel that it is a slap in Joey's face...
xmil commented almost like he has this brand new life in this new city and every now and then, he chooses to come back and visit the old life and his family... I equate it to the whole, he plays Dad when he wants to... and then puts Joey back into his box until he's ready to play again... 3, 6 or 9 months later...
I don't know where I'm going here... I cannot change their minds, but there is a part of me that cannot believe that there are people who actually cause larger wedges to form between people and their children... in my xh's case, he's never been super dad... but having a "don't want to play step mom" thing tells me that she wants nothing to do with Joey... now, that's fine, but Joey DOES exist... and down the road, it makes me wonder if summer vacation visitation and other things such as that will even happen... I tend to doubt it...
I would hope that xh would stand up for his child... wanting him at the wedding, wanting to have him visit him, wanting to see him on holidays, wanting to be more a part of his life... not that I should be all that surprised when he doesn't... but if a child's own father won't, what the heck is wrong with them... it really is a sad state, isn't it?
Anyway, so I'm a bit disheartened about all of this... xmil was even worried that I would be mad if she went to the wedding... I assured her that I wouldn't be... just to make sure that she brought Joey back a souvenir... Joey will never know the difference... he'll never hear any of this from me, which is why I'm typing it all out, as a way to purge this from my inner thoughts... If you've made it this far, thanks for reading... xmil says she is going to continue to try to get Joey involved (at least so he can go to Disney for a couple of days with Dad... I mean, that would be amazing... they have child care at the hotel they'll be staying at, so that's not an issue, for the wedding and reception)...
Again, like the bigger message I'm hearing from work, I don't like the bigger message that not including Joey is definitely sending...
*hugs*
Julie

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I agree... it is pretty pathetic, isn't it? Forget about me, the xw if you must, but you cannot forget your children, or expect an adult to put another adult as a higher priority than their own (small) child... then again, my xh and I always disagreed on priorities, so this is no surprise that there is no agreement here...
Thanks for sharing your story... I appreciate your support!
Julie
I agree with you Karen... he does deserve one huge whomp! Hm... we could add that to our little trip, each of us sending him a big Whomp... (away from Joey of course!)
Thanks for your compliments regarding Joey... he sure is a smart cookie and it is a shame that xh doesn't realize the beautifully bright little boy he has... or could have if he only well...
stopping right now... no wasting breath!
*hugs*
Julie
Oooohhhhhhhhh...... ..... I get it.....
Karen ~ wildlucky4me ~
Exactly... if you don't want to do it, don't get involved with someone with children... seems simple enough to me... after all, you can go ahead and screw up your own life (however you may choose) but don't screw up an innocent child's life...
This is truly affecting me... I've had people today come up to me and ask what is wrong... they say as if I look like someone just killed my best friend... I suppose I'm in mourning at this point... but better me than Joey... I just hate that one day Joey will start putting the pieces together...
One of the reasons they've said no children is so that xmil won't have to watch him... um since when was this her job, shouldn't that be YOUR job as the father? hmmmmm... anyway, the hotel they're using for this has childcare so if there was an adults only function that they needed to attend, they could, using that service...
We are going to Disney ourselves in September and I have invited xmil to go, if she can... she doesn't think she can afford both trips, but she did say that she would rather be there experiencing Disney through Joey's eyes, which is truly a magical thing...
*hugs*
Julie
The ripple effects that these decisions leave never seek to amaze me... sending hugs to you and yours as you battle this disease head on...
*hugs*
Julie
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