Embarrassment

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-10-2007
Embarrassment
8
Tue, 07-10-2007 - 6:51pm

My husband left a few months ago, we tried therapy, but he has no decided he is done trying. I have been having a hard time telling others about our separation and pending divorce. I feel so embarrassed and humiliated, and am dreading telling family members, co-workers, etc. Only my closest friends know.

How did you get through this?

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-14-2007
In reply to: summergirl7
Tue, 07-10-2007 - 7:36pm
I have no idea. I am in exactly the same place right now and I don't know how to get over the shame of it all. My husband won't even go to counseling and he is just "done". I am sick over all of it. I wish I had the answers. Just know you are not alone.
iVillage Member
Registered: 07-07-2007
In reply to: summergirl7
Wed, 07-11-2007 - 1:38am
I am struggling with the exact same issue (among other issues!) right now. I wish I could offer you some advice, but I can't. What I can offer you is the assurance that you're not alone. It's not much, but knowing that someone, somewhere, knows exactly how you feel just may give you some semblance of comfort in this very difficult time. I wish you strength and courage to speak your truth without shame, without apology, and without hesitation. You can do it!
iVillage Member
Registered: 07-11-2007
In reply to: summergirl7
Wed, 07-11-2007 - 1:09pm
I totally know what you're going through. I've been separated from my husband for three months now...but the situation was the same: we had tried therapy (together, separately, more than once, etc.) and he eventually said he was done trying. Very frustrating. Telling my friends and family was very difficult...but I found that once I did, the outpouring of love and support was WELL WORTH the difficulty in telling them. Just do it, these people will love you, be there for you, support you, etc. I know it's hard. In your (and my) case, when he won't make an effort to fix things - there's nothing more you can do. (which works in your favor when you do tell others about the situation.) Hang in there!
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-31-2003
In reply to: summergirl7
Wed, 07-11-2007 - 2:24pm
Only tell close friends and family, people that you can count on for support. At least that's what I did, it's really nobody elses business, and if anyone asks, I'm single, lol.
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-25-2006
In reply to: summergirl7
Wed, 07-11-2007 - 5:14pm

Hi Summer,


One reason it's so difficult and embarassing to tell others that we're facing a divorce is denial. We think, "If I don't tell anyone, then it can't be true." However, human nature being what it is, people start figuring out something's wrong. They guess and some will start gossip about it.


So, my advice is pick who, what, and when you tell your situation. Remember, you are never obligated to give everyone all the gory details. It's best NOT to, especially when people will speculate, gossip, and take sides. (And there's nothing you can do to prevent them doing any of that.)


Frankly, once you get the news out there, you'll feel some relief. Then it's out there and you don't have to worry about whether it slips from your own lips (and it will!) or someone tells for you. The longer your situation goes on the more "public" it will become regardless. So, one way to take control, is to tell people yourself.


From my personal experience, the initial surprise of my news to others was short-lived and then everyone got on with their lives. (I had one person I hardly knew write me a letter telling me how awful I was for divorcing my first husband. I did write back and told her to mind her own business. :)


You may be surprised by who is supportive and who is not. You never know who will be either one, and don't try to guess. Avoiding it won't change anything.


Good luck and let us know how it goes for you!


CL-Wisdomtooth2020

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-10-2007
In reply to: summergirl7
Wed, 07-11-2007 - 8:36pm

Thanks for all your responses.
I think I'm going to *try* and tackle this head on, just tell people the basics and be done with it. I guess my biggest fear is all the gossips at work, but I guess if it wasn't me they'd find other things to gossip about.

It's only been over a year since we were married...I'm so embarrassed that all these people got us gifts, traveled so far for our wedding, etc.

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-12-2007
In reply to: summergirl7
Thu, 07-12-2007 - 11:44am

Just a suggestion - tell people who may gossip that "you are getting divorced. you both tried hard to make the marriage work and care about one another, but you are not well suited." It doesn't matter if this is true or not (in my case, with my X, wasn't true). If you stick with this line, and don't badmouth the stbx, it kills the gossip. There are no juicy details, and after a week or two, if they don't get anything out of you, there will always be something else to gossip about. Best thing I ever did in the divorce was not provide any material for gossip - two years later, I still work with my X, and we are on pleasant terms (tho not close).

Best of luck and be strong. You will make it!

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-08-2007
In reply to: summergirl7
Fri, 07-13-2007 - 8:35pm

Starting to tell everyone was very hard - especially since I wasn't sleeping well and thus was on the verge of tears for about a month. However, I found that once I told a few people it started to get easier. It is also good to have people check up on me so that I don't feel all alone anymore. Besides which, people really love to talk about themselves more than anything. I've found that by just putting the information out there I'm getting back a ton of survival stories. Including helpful advice, pitfalls to watch out for, and lots of offers of help whenever I need it (moving, finding a lawyer, finding an apartment, etc.).

Obviously, some people really don't need to know unless it comes up, and then "just the facts ma'am." Also, if it is too hard to tell everyone you could ask a close friend to help smooth the way. For instance, I told my parents, but they broke the news to my siblings, so I didn't have to answer the tough questions three times. I just got the calls of support, love and "whatever you need we'll be there."

However, the absolute best part of telling people is that I don't have to hide anything anymore. For years I've been putting on a positive face. I've had to hide the fact that my husband didn't find me to be worth his time and effort. Now it is out in the open and all sorts of people have let me know that I am worth their time and effort. I don't have to pretend that everything is normal. It is really freeing.

Best of luck. I hope things get easier for you.
J