Emotional abuse?

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-27-2006
Emotional abuse?
3
Mon, 07-30-2007 - 9:11pm

I'm kinda new to the board. I've posted before, but its been a long time. Short re-intro. I have been married for 11 years to my husband, we have 5 kids together. He can be a real jerk. I am currently a student with no job. He has been working the past 11 years. He puts EVERYTHING on his job. The reason I am considering leaving him is because he treats me badly and is terrible with the bills. We are in forclosure because he didn't pay the house bill. This is the second house we have lost because of him. I told him if we lose this house, then I'm leaving him. I'm not perfect, I cheated on him over a year and a half ago. I took full responsibility for it. He is controlling and has read my diaries and checks my cell phone text messages and even after I put a password on it, he watched me to get it, then while I was in the ER for a kidney stone, getting a CT, he went into my phone and looked into all my stuff. He is overly sensitive about everyone I talk to and when I tell him he has no business getting into my stuff, he says he can do what he wants to and can look at whatever he wants. I tell him that I have a right to privacy and then he says, he will just have the phone turned off because HE pays for it. He flips out about my text messages and who I'm talking to, but it's perfectly fine for him to go on a certain website and look at naked pictures of his friend who happens to be a girl. If the shoe was on the other foot, he would have lost his mind. He admits that that would be the case. He apologizes for flipping out, but it will always happen again. Through the years I've had some at home jobs trying to make money and help with the bills and be able to stay home with the kids. He says that all those jobs didn't add up to anything. Basically all my hard work and effort are meaningless. Would you all say this type of treatment is emotional abuse? When he gets mad he is an absolute jerk. I'm going to medical school so I can work at home and make some real money.
I feel that I have the right to my own privacy, no matter who pays the phone bill. I wonder where he would be if I didn't do his laundry and cook his meals and take care of his kids. That's not valuable?

Anyway, didn't mean to go off on a tanget. I just wanted your opinion about if this would qualify as emotional and mental abuse? To sum it up, he feels that nothing I do is valuable because I don't make money. He holds it over my head that he makes the money and everything is in his name. He doesn't pay the bills and we don't even have garbage pick up, so garbage is piling up in our back yard. It's humiliating.

He looks over my shoulder when I'm emailing and then when I tell him to mind his own business, he gets testy and starts to accuse me of stuff. I've had enough. He is a good dad for the most part and he does make sure we have food and that sort of thing. He can just be very cruel and uncaring. He likes to unleash his frustration out on me. He has never hit me, but he has shoved me before.

What do you think? What should I do?

Thanks!

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-06-2003
Tue, 07-31-2007 - 6:46am

Hi Glamfatale,

Of course it's abuse. Please go to the recognizing abuse board and start reading some of the resources to help you understand.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-19-2003
Wed, 08-01-2007 - 5:00pm

Hi,


Emotional abuse is hard because you try to convince yourself... it's not abuse.... after all, he hasn't hit me..... yet..... *that* hard.


Please check out the Recognizing & Dealing with Domestic Abuse


Karen ~ wildlucky4me ~

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-13-2007
Wed, 08-01-2007 - 8:42pm
Hi
I can relate. Any type of mental abuse is when a person is put down that one's self esteem is low. My DH mentally abuse me. which is sometimes worse than physical. Maybe your DH is paranoid because you said you cheated. and becase you have mentioned to him you will leave. his putting you down is a defense mechanism he is using cause he basically think you cant survive or live without him because he was the primary bread winner and you have kids together and your a student who isnt working. You need to set goals. If you arent happy and really dont see your marriage getting better. Start re-evaluating what's the right thing for you to do to be able to do what's right for you. Before you can make him happy you need to be happy with yourself. Try marraige counseling. Sometimes that can get to the nitty gritty of the root of the problem and why your marriage went the route it did. hope this helps. i know what your going through.