Is this emotional blackmail?

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-27-2003
Is this emotional blackmail?
5
Wed, 04-27-2005 - 4:13pm

Hi everyone

I've posted here several times the past month or so. My STBX and I separated back in January- he has lots of drug and alcohol addictions. He is also the one who recently found out he has testicular cancer. The amount of drama that goes on in his life is unbeleivable, and the fact that he keeps me informed about everything. Part of me is glad he is able to finally open up to me about stuff. I still care about him and worry about him, but I'm SO GLAD I'm not with him anymore and that I don't have to deal with all that stuff constantly like I used to. There always seems to be stuff going on with him- stuff always seems to happen to HIM! He calls me all the time to tell me too- there was the time of course about the cancer, then the time he called to tell me he sat up all night long in the bathtub with a razor and a toaster to electrocute himself, and the next time- he called to tell me he just left the hospital cause he was going to check himself in for treatment but they said he had to commit for 30 days and he couldn't leave work for that long so he left. Then there are the countless times he calls to tell me he had a bad night before wigging out on cocaine, E, etc. It doesn't stop! There is always something!! This past weekend I went away with my current boyfriend (who is so wonderful in every way) and my phone rang that morning- it was the hospital calling to tell me that my ex was just about to go in for surgery and he wanted her to call and tell me that "he wouldn't be needing me today". WTH??? I was thinking- wouldn't be needing me? Since when was he "going to be needing me??". So of course I asked why he was in the hospital and she said he got attacked by someone with a knife while he was out the night before and had a huge gash across his face- through his ear and part of his head. She said it was really bad and there was nerve damage that they might not be able to repair. I'm thinking that he only had the nurse call me cause he WANTED me to know he was in there- he wanted me to worry!! Then he called me when he left the hospital later that night just to tell me "he was ok". And he called again in the morning. He asked if I wanted to go see him. I felt bad for him, so I did go and see him after work and he looked terrible- he has about 100 stitches. He was so worried about what I thought and swore up and down he didn't do anything to initiate the guy to knife him- that he was walking with a friend and this guy came up behind them on a bike, jumped off and asked them if they wanted to die. 2 inches lower and it would have been his throat. His ear was literally slashed in half. Of course I felt terrible seeing him like that and he asked if I could put some polysporin on his wounds for him so I did. It almost felt like old times when I was still with him. I was always looking out for him, caring for him, etc whenever anything happened.
Things always seem to happen to him though!!! I don't know if its just bad luck or what. But is he trying to make me feel bad for him? I've been talking to friends and coworkers about this and they say he is trying to emotionally blackmail me. He tells me all the time how he thinks about me all the time, now more than he did when we were together. He knows I have a new boyfriend and I think he might be dating too although he swears up and down they are only friends (I don't care though- I think it would be better for him if he did have someone) but he is so adament that nothing is going on between them (I don't ask, he just tells me this constantly). I'm so confused....

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-06-2005
Wed, 04-27-2005 - 8:13pm

Honey, you are enabling him to act this way. I am so sorry to say it like that, but it's true.


He asked you to help with his wounds and you did. You have GOT TO be tough with him. NO ONE should act that way. He has some serious issues and the more you play the sympathy role the worse it will get.


You HAVE to separate yourself from him. You are with someone else now, you owe it to YOU and HIM to step back away from STBX. He has problems ( cancer etc... ) but he doesn't need you anymore. He would like you to be there for him, but he doesn't NEED you anymore. You are free to do what YOU want to do.


Please Please separate yourself from him. If you have to, admit him to a hospital. From the things you have described he has major issues within himself that need professional help.


Don't take too much on, yes it is emotional blackmail but if you don't say no, it will continue.


Good luck to you and please keep us updated.


Hugs,


Angelena

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-02-2003
Thu, 04-28-2005 - 3:37am

hugs honey! i totally agree wiht the cl here - it really doesn't matter WHAT he is trying to do - calll it emotional blackmail, call it whatever you want - you

Avatar for susieyippin
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-07-2003
Thu, 04-28-2005 - 10:18am

Hi sk1960,

I read your post, and I saw a lot of myself in there! I have been so focused on trying to get my husband to get help for his alcoholism over the past 2 years, that I've neglected my spirit. Since I've been going to counseling, I've learned how to not get sucked into DH's guilt dramas. Or at least try not to get sucked into them. ;-)

Susie

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-19-2003
Thu, 04-28-2005 - 12:34pm

Do you know if his employer has a substance abuse program?


Karen ~ wildlucky4me ~

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-14-2004
Thu, 04-28-2005 - 12:49pm
I agree with the others that your STBX is emotionally blackmailing you, and do think you're enabling him. I know how difficult it is to detach from someone when you feel like they need you, especially when you're concerned for his health and safety. But your ex knows you feel that way and is using your concern for him to manipulate you. Yes, it's important to care about others in life, but you also need to take care of your own emotional well being, and it seems to me that your relationship with him isn't healthy for you. If you're concerned about his drug use and threats of suicide, I would pass the information on to someone close to him who is part of his current life-his parents or friends. Then I would stop taking his calls and truly move on. It sounds like the new guy you're seeing is a really great, understanding guy, but even the most understanding person in the world can only take your ex being so involved in your life for so long before they say "ok, she's never going to be free to just be mine." Don't let your past ruin something good going on in your present.