Emotional Div? Years of Decision? OKBad?

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-18-2006
Emotional Div? Years of Decision? OKBad?
20
Fri, 07-11-2008 - 5:30pm

Can anyone tell me ---
are there any definitive signs of when someone's emotionally divorced - like DONE WITH IT?

Also -
how many years did it take you from really thinking about DIV. to the final call?

Also -
I've been advised not to do it til it is REALLY REALLY bad - would you agree?

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iVillage Member
Registered: 04-10-2008
Fri, 07-11-2008 - 8:17pm

You may want to separate for a while, and wait to get divorced say, in 6 months.

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-12-2008
Sat, 07-12-2008 - 11:05pm

Sorry, a lurker who feels like responding to this one. Hope it's ok.

a)For me, I told him I wanted a divorce when there was no more anger left, when everything had been said that could be, when I knew in my heart of hearts that nothing would change. When the only reaction I felt when he pulled his stunts was "OK, whatever." and I honestly did not care anymore. I waited until I had tried every possible avenue to fix things.

b)I started thinking of divorce 7 years before I left. I took that long because we have two kids and I had to be sure that things were not fixable. I didn't want them to see mom and dad split, then get back together, then split again. They didn't need that roller coaster.

c) Define really, really bad. One person told me I shouldn't leave because he wasn't beating me up so it wasn't that bad. Yet, someone had been wanting me to leave for years because of his subtle manipulations, controlling ways and how depressed I was. It depends on when you've had your fill of everything. Some things should be given a chance to be worked out and yet somethings should be a signal to leave right away.

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-18-2006
Sun, 07-13-2008 - 10:28am

Thanks for your well-defined answers.

Sounds like a lot of people take a long time to do this -

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-17-2001
Mon, 07-14-2008 - 10:57am

are there any definitive signs of when someone's emotionally divorced - like DONE WITH IT?


When I made the decision to divorce XH, I felt nothing but calm and relief.

~calla~  mom to rosie and gracie

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-28-1999
Mon, 07-14-2008 - 11:41am

I think that if you're unsure, then some counselling might help.

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-18-2006
Mon, 07-14-2008 - 3:10pm
I am AMAZED how many folks are told ------
HE DOESN'T BEAT YOU ----
so you should stay - or it's not so bad#
iVillage Member
Registered: 11-28-1999
Mon, 07-14-2008 - 4:01pm
Yeah, as if that's the ideal marriage.
iVillage Member
Registered: 01-18-2006
Mon, 07-14-2008 - 6:21pm

I hate that you shake -----
My prob. is I CRY when in conflict - not just w/him, but also w/anyone!!!!! I HATE it - but can not control it.

My hubby - has not hit me - --- but, one time, I got so pissed when he turned his back on me when we were arguing/I was saying something important ----- that I hit him in the back with a dish towel. He turned around & grabbed me around the neck. And the kids heard all this going on.......

He later asked me why I did that - and I said DUH!!! B/c you walked away from me & that made me mad. Evidentally, his hands around my neck bothered HIM a lot!!!!

Then last fall, he would SCREAM & pinch the kids. A bit of this & we DID get this stopped - so it is possible. I warned him that the school & psych knew & if it didn't stop he'd lose his bizness & go to jail. He has stopped cold. That's good. Bad part is he has no interest in getting together w/me on a program of discipline for the kids that's humane. I'm now the only disciplinarian. THAT does not make me happy either!

We've been sorta "emotionally separated" for a few years now ---- I'd say me more than him. We've been married 15 years & I've never much felt like telling him I loved him. Not like my previous boyfriend! He would tell me he did - up til about 3 years ago. Then he stopped.

Anyway, I can tell that if he LOVED me, he'd participate in the therapy that the 3 of us ( me & the kids are doing ) ---- but since he really only cares about the kids ---- He won't do it. And I'm going to have to make an ultimatum soon.

Counseling about the kids is one thing. But I'm fairly sure if we do NO marital counseling ---- I'll be gone ........... Maybe in 8 years when the youngest is off to college????? Lordy can I survive the DISCOUNTING for 8 years?

Our lives are not terrible. That's the thing!

But I wonder if I've long had disappointment in him - if I've ALREADY emotionally divorced him or not. What's the final straw? Obviously, there are still some good times & I do care & am willing to try.

Our psych - wonderful, but having been Dx2 --- says wait til it is HORRIBLE!

ALSO****** She says teen girls (boys too?) tend to live w/the dad in their teens - b/c the Dads let them get away w/more. I know Hubby WOULD indeed let them get away with anything-----so it would kill me &&&&& I feel it may be a real reason to hang in there atleast til college ----- you all agree??

Anyway, that's most of my story!!!!

Pickety.

Avatar for iladyja
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Mon, 07-14-2008 - 7:10pm

For me, I struggled and struggled.

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-28-1999
Tue, 07-15-2008 - 11:15am

If you are saying that basically you're unhappy, you don't really love your DH & he is unwilling to go to counselling to work on the marriage, even though you have asked, I really couldn't see staying in that kind of unhappy but not totally miserable situation for 8 more years.

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