An emotional Mess
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| Fri, 06-01-2007 - 2:35pm |
I am a 40 year old, married for 7 years - this is my second marriage. My husband also suffers from depression and 3 years ago started shutting me out - refused to do things he used to enjoy alone or with me. We have a 6 year old daughter that he also stopped doing things with. Because of this, I sought out the solice of another man - the biggest mistake I ever made. I only met him once and knew it was a mistake - but my husband found out. At first he had a wake up call and realized how he had pushed me away. We went to counseling and recommitted our love for one another. He stopped going to counseling saying that he had a good view on my feelings and how to have a happy marriage. Then he went back into his depression and anxiety attacks. Said he couldn't trust me and we worked on that aspect. He said he knows I would never do anything like that again and could see us growing old together. Then one day in March he went to the family physician and came back and declared he didn't want to be married any longer. Stated he loved me more than anything but didn't want to hurt me or himself any longer. He stayed in the house for the next month and every couple days wanted to make love to me and I gave in, it made me feel loved and still wanted. However afterward it just confused the situation more. I can't understand if someone loves you that much, how can they not work on the relationship and just give up.
Lonely and Confused.

Where are you now? Together? Apart? Is he taking any initiative to launch a separation or divorce. Depressed people don't usually take action.
Sounds like he needs serious psychiatric and therapeutic (not the same thing) assistance.
What would make it better for you? Together with him like this? Do you think, maybe a trial separation with him getting help might be ok? Surely, with his vulnerable mental state you might want to restrict him caring solo for your child so maybe you can make mental health care part of a separation agreement.
I can imagine he wants to be intimate because it helps him supress his depression and his depression doesn't really mean he doesn't love you.
Ah, mixed feelings ... they are confusing.
I would make sure I was getting counseling and then continue to urge him to get counseling and then ... see where it goes.
Does that help at all?
My heart goes out to you!
M
He did file for divorce and we are officially seperated, we live in PA and he drove out to Montana to see his family. The few times I spoke to him, he seemed very happy - which hurts worse. Maybe it was me that was making him so miserable. We went to counseling last year for three months and he said it really helped and he understood my feelings and knew that we could get through it together. The family physician put him on Wellbutrin and they found out that I am actually bi-polar - another reason for my actions. Of course he was not supportive that I had an actual disease. Then it all changed again and he said he just couldn't stop the anxiety and the thoughts that I would step out on him again. He could not bear to be hurt again. So as much as he loved me he thought this was the right decision. Mean while he hasn't worked since February and last year he worked a total of 4 months. He did nothing around the house and I supported the family for the last 18 months. If I complained he said I was a bitch. I love him, but the more I think about it he was not the man of my dreams. I want a true partner that will help me through the thick and thin, help me with chores and the children and love to just be with me. I feel that I have not enjoyed life in over 5 years. I used to always say I was the maid that he could f---. That sounds bitter and I know he loved me, I just don't think he knew how to show his emotions. By the way I was his third marriage and the two before me also stepped out on him. That says something I think about him - women don't step out for the sex they step out for an emotional bond.
Awe, hugs.
Sorry it is so tough.
I think you were probably right, though -- you carried the family.
I feel like that alot -- that I have carried the family.
GL to us both as we soldier on and care for our children.
Hugs,
M